Editorial: Incredibly Hot Virtual Babes

Yes, I’m going there.
I’ve been playing games since before I hit puberty, and nobody can deny that in those awkward transitional years, every boy begins to find almost anything resembling a female body to be the hottest thing in the universe. So of course video games are a haven for such boys to drool at unrealistic bodies, unrealistic servitude personalities, and unrealistic skimpy outfits. But is it really a surprise? These games are mostly made by the same horny man-children that play them – myself included – so I thought I would take this opportunity to celebrate the hottest girls that will never be real.

So free-spirited!
So free-spirited!
Adult Malon/Cremia
(The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time/Majora’s Mask)

Not only is this red-head the only attractive model the doomed-to-blocky-graphics Nintendo 64 could pull off, but she is spunky and free-spirited. She has a stronger connection to Link than Zelda does in Ocarina of Time, and unlike Saria, she grows up. That’s a line even for creepy gamers. She’s also independent and smart enough to run the ranch while her incompetent father dozes off. Her Majora’s Mask character perhaps isn’t as deep and co-existing with her younger counterpart waxes bizarre, but she’s still the hottest thing the N64 ever pulled off.

Her excellent Advent Children model captured her computer generated beauty
Her excellent Advent Children model captured her computer generated beauty

Tifa
(Final Fantasy VII)

Did you really think a list like this would be made without mentioning Tifa? Her breasts rival the fame of Lara Croft’s in the video game world, but her slamming body is that much more attractive because of her kickass abilities in battle. Add that to her sweet and perceptive heart, childhood friend status, and it’s a little wonder that’s she’s wildly regarded as one of the hottest babes to grace the virtual world. While her exaggerated proportions were slightly muted for Advent Children, that version perfectly represents how I pictured a more realistic Tifa to look. Anybody who denies they didn’t picture the same thing before the arrival of the movie is very likely lying.

Holy Crap
Holy Crap
Lightning
(Final Fantasy XIII)

While there are many Final Fantasy beauties, this is the only other one to make the list and the game isn’t even out yet! Maybe it’s personal preference, but never before have I seen a character design that I want to exist in real life quite as badly as Lightning’s. She is agile, brooding, strong, and an undeniable badass. She even clocks the hulking Snow in the face a few times in the extended Japanese trailer. Maybe it’s my love for strong women, and maybe it’s her perfect face, but if I had any visual artistic talent, I feel like Lightning is exactly what I would create if asked to draw the perfect woman. I am aware she is not real, and that every word I type makes me more and more of a sad human being, but I can’t help it. Just look at her kick ass in any trailer, and I feel my drooling is justified.

It might as well be a mirror in the middle
It might as well be a mirror in the middle

Sheena and Judith
(Tales of Symphonia and Vesperia)

Let me be honest. These two characters are exactly the same. They are both the token buxom babes who aren’t as passive as the protagonists, but still hide their pasts to put up a hard front that hides their soft heart. Still though, they add the much needed adult eye candy to the cast of usually way-too-young-looking girls that litter the Tales series.

So that’s it! An honourable mention goes to Kairi of Kingdom Hearts who is only 15, but will probably be appropriately slamming hot when she grows up.
I could definitely go on, but there’s only so much embarrassment I can put myself through in a single day. Where do you guys stand? Agree with some or any of my list?
Maybe you prefer the bouncy girls of Dead or Alive? Or perhaps you feel Rinoa, Dagger, or Rikku should have made my Final Fantasy shortlist instead? Let me know in the likely-to-be very creepy comments below.

41 comments

  1. When you mentioned that you were writing about boobs I naturally thought you meant Oliver and yourself, but this is much better.

  2. …after so many jokes I actually really started to wonder if Ethan was gay or not. So he’s not. OK.

    There’s probably a ton that deserve mention but off the top of my head I thought Jeane from Suikoden IV and Rutee for nowadays lesser known Tales of Destiny were really hot when I played those games.

    I never got the whole thing with Rinoa, even with the urban legend of that dude in Japan that killed himself because he could never be with her… or something.

  3. Well need to employ Nate to seduce Ethan this weekend when he’s in Michigan, then we’ll know for sure one way to the other.

    Personally, I’ve always prefered Aerith over Tifa, but to each his own. I did think it was kind fo funny that everybody in AC has the same outfits as the original game except Cloud and Tifa. For Cloud, it looked like they just wanted to redesign the costume, but I think they realized that nobody would take Tifa seriously if she was wearing a white 1/2 T-shirt and hot pants the whole time. I do think the redesign came out great, so I’m glad they did.

    On a different note, I actually thought Naughty Dog did a great job with Elena from Uncharted. She wasn’t as traditionally “hot” as some of the examples (well, really, you couldn’t take a JRPG character and put them in Uncharted. That would have just been weird), but I really liked the character and the interaction between her and Drake was always fun to watch.

  4. Yeah I adored Elena to the extent that I was a little sad that Nate seems to have a new female sidekick for Uncharted 2.

    I also preferred Aeris to Tifa.

  5. I really didn’t like Aeris one bit. I didn’t think she was good looking, and her passive attitude and way-too-nice personality just turned me off.
    And Epyon, it’s just because Lusipurr (perhaps justly) confuses EXTREMELY FLAMBOYANT AND FEMININE with gay.

  6. You’re a huge nerd for writing this.

    On a side note, I would totally jack off to some Tifa hentai, but only if she was having a dyke sesh with Aeris from FF7.

  7. Yeah, that’s fine, scs. I can take Aeris in that context, but I’d be loathe to call her incredibly hot on her onesies.

    @SN – If classy means boring, then yes, she is too classy for me. Passive women do nothing for me.

    @scs – Also thank you! These comments weren’t creepy yet and I was worried.

  8. It is kinda insane how there are so many things made for guys that are sensually appealing in the gaming world. To be like “you know when I played that game I thought those pixels sure were titillating” is such an abstract concept to me. I do not know if I am alone in this.

  9. @seereeously – Well it’s like a movie star. You really only see those people as pixels as well excepting the rare case in which you meet one. Or like a book. I’ve definitely fallen in love with a girl from a fiction book. It’s just good character work more than the art. Hence why I usually describe physical and character attributes in the article.
    But true, it IS an abstract and bizarre concept.

    HOWEVER, do not forget, the male stereotypes are just as ridiculous and just as common. The male commander Shepard, Dante from Devil May Cry, Kratos from God of War, I could go on. These are all GORGEOUS, ripped heroes with not only incredible brute strength but usually also strength of character. It’s just easier to point at female objectification and simplification and ignore when the identical process happens on the other side of the gender coin.

  10. when this bob post went live i thought u were going to talk about McCain and Palin!! WTF DUDE!

  11. @seereeously: For me it’s not so much that I find the model appealing or the art or anything, like Ethos said, it’s more the personality of the character, same as with any other form of entertainment (specifically for books, where there’s even less of a visual element). I’ve found when games try to over-play the sensual element of that and ignore the character part, it gets down-right creepy (The DOA series jumps to mind). And, while I’m not passing judgement on scs’s hobbies, I don’t think that’s really the kind of thing I’d ever enjoy (although, scs, the people over at 4chan probably have several such pictures for your viewing pleasure).

    @Ethos: Regarding the Tifa/Aeris split, I think they were both kind of designed to kind of portray those two female archetypes. Personally, I more tend to go for the “nice girls” in games (although, ironically, the girl I’ve been doing out with for 5+ years is much more Tifa than Aeris, but life’s funny that way). Same can be said for the male examples you brought up. Like any medium, video games have a ton of characters based on kind of the “standard” views of both genders. I think the best characters are ones that play that role, but still tend to be believable.

    @Blizmage: *confused head tilt*

  12. @Darth – Really? Hentai hits the spot every so often, and while I agree with what we collectively said about the attractiveness, I’m not going to deny that Lightning has a rocking bod and face.

    Re: the “nice” girl. Yeah, while “nice” is nice – har har – it needs to be mixed in with some confidence and spunk or else I’m not interested. Real life and games!

  13. @Ethos: It’s not so much a hentai vs. IRL porn thing, it’s more seeing characters I know from other things in porn breaks my fragile little mind. Great thing about the internet, though, plenty of porn for any occasion! (how’s this for creepy comments!)

    @Blizmage: Link? Apparently I fail at googling and all the stuff I’m seeing doesn’t really look relevant to McCain or Palin

  14. ah hentai. thank you japan, thank

    I’m a yuffie man myself. quick question, if your about the same age as an underage character and you think she’s hot, and then you grow up and you still think she’s hot, do you become a pedophile or are you grandfathered in?

  15. @breaka666: If you’re looking for awesome Japanese stuff, I give you RoboGaisha (probably NSFW):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo-gGes6qig

    As for the Yuffie thing, I think you’re legally required to pick Aerith or Tifa once you pass 18 otherwise Chris Hansen shows up at your house and drags you away himself, sorry.

  16. @Ethos Kratos from God of War? He’s tied with Marcus Fenix for the Tough Ugly Trashtalker award.

    What’s with the lack of love for obscenely top-heavy fighter females? Mai Shiranui? Ivy from Soul Calibur? (Or in the case of bottom-heavy… SFIV Chun Li?) I mean, who needs backstory when you’ve got victory pose jubblies?

    My pick for hottest female in a video game: The Boss. You want backstory, you want character, you want spunk, she’s got it.

  17. The hell? Did Lusipurr.com get bought by SpikeTV? Is Manswers next?

    @Adongo – The Boss is a good example, actually, though perhaps more classically beautiful than sexually appealing, which is what EVA’s function in MGS3 was.

    @Ethos – I noticed a single-minded focus on Japanese designed characters in this list. Certainly you have SOME western-designed women in games you like?

    I think I may have a topic for my next post. Topics have been a bugbear for me, so remind me to send you a cake with a Tifa cosplayer in it.

  18. you forgot Ming Numara from lost odyssey.hottest female character ever.

  19. Isn’t Lightning supposed to be modeled after Cloud? I guess Ethos is ‘Soft Gay’ for Cloud, as opposed to ‘Hard Gay’.

  20. “An honorable mention goes to Kairi of Kingdom Hearts ‘who is only 15’, but will probably be appropriately slamming hot when she grows up.”

    Ethos you sick bastard!

  21. Heh, funny thing is no one mentioned a single western designed female character until SN’s “The alien chick from Mass Effect was really hot.”.

    I myself can’t think of any…. and Lara Croft or her clones never did much for me.

  22. @mc – I was thinking of putting in Liara, actually. Elika from the new PoP almost made the cut too. There are certainly women from western games I find attractive, they just didn’t happen to make the shortlist. Other honourable mentions include that busty holographic chick from Halo Wars and that co-op chick from Resident Evil 5. I know that’s a Japanese game again, but that does represent the vast majority of games I play, so it really does make sense that the women ratio would spill that way. Roselina is also way more hot than Peach.

  23. @juan – Nah, Ming was super-cute and I loved her freckles, but her broad shoulders threw me off.

  24. @MC: I think you should base your Tifa cosplay cake off this:

    http://media.photobucket.com/image/tifa/alqaeda_04/Tifa.jpg

    @Epyon: Not true! I mentioned Elena from Uncharted waaaaay back at the beginning of the thread, but yeah, it seems like things have been mostly Japanese-character dominated. Probably, like Ethos said, since most of the games we play are Japanese, especially when talking about RPGs. Personally, I never really understood what the big deal was with Laura Croft, but I’ve never played any Tomb Raider games past the first 2 levels, so maybe I just didn’t give her enough of a chance, who knows.

  25. *Gives DarthGibblet a round of applause for some truely disturbing cosplay*

  26. Best Tifa cosplay ever.
    And nice post, evil paul! I don’t care that Lightning looks likes like Cloud because Cloud’s hot.

  27. I think the best part of that cosplay is the cigar. It pulls the whole ensemble together so nicely.

    @EvilPaul: Does this mean that FFXIII is really just a drawn-out version of the cross dressing portion of VII? I think an excellent twist ending would be Lightning spins around and is suddenly Cloud again.

  28. Well we know who Ethos will choose if he ever stays at Don Corneo’s Mansion “you look so cute miss Cloud”.

  29. @Evilpaul – HAHAHA Fantastic!

    @Darth – All the characters look at him like ‘WTF?’. The camera zoom’s in on Cloud’s face. His lips move.

    “Lets mosey.” Instant cut to black.

    FFVII PS3 Remake confirmed! :D

  30. They ARE backing themselves into a bit of a corner by counting up all the remakes. If they continue in this pattern and make V and VI for the DS, the pressure will be immense!

  31. Personally I think they do it just to keep themselves in the headlines. There is nothing that FFVII fanboys love so much as speculateing about about a remake, there is nothing game journalists love so much as another easy story about remake rumours, and there’s nothing SE love more than the brand awareness this gives them.

Comments are closed.