Yes, I’m going there.
I’ve been playing games since before I hit puberty, and nobody can deny that in those awkward transitional years, every boy begins to find almost anything resembling a female body to be the hottest thing in the universe. So of course video games are a haven for such boys to drool at unrealistic bodies, unrealistic servitude personalities, and unrealistic skimpy outfits. But is it really a surprise? These games are mostly made by the same horny man-children that play them – myself included – so I thought I would take this opportunity to celebrate the hottest girls that will never be real.
(The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time/Majora’s Mask)
Not only is this red-head the only attractive model the doomed-to-blocky-graphics Nintendo 64 could pull off, but she is spunky and free-spirited. She has a stronger connection to Link than Zelda does in Ocarina of Time, and unlike Saria, she grows up. That’s a line even for creepy gamers. She’s also independent and smart enough to run the ranch while her incompetent father dozes off. Her Majora’s Mask character perhaps isn’t as deep and co-existing with her younger counterpart waxes bizarre, but she’s still the hottest thing the N64 ever pulled off.
(Final Fantasy VII)
Did you really think a list like this would be made without mentioning Tifa? Her breasts rival the fame of Lara Croft’s in the video game world, but her slamming body is that much more attractive because of her kickass abilities in battle. Add that to her sweet and perceptive heart, childhood friend status, and it’s a little wonder that’s she’s wildly regarded as one of the hottest babes to grace the virtual world. While her exaggerated proportions were slightly muted for Advent Children, that version perfectly represents how I pictured a more realistic Tifa to look. Anybody who denies they didn’t picture the same thing before the arrival of the movie is very likely lying.
(Final Fantasy XIII)
While there are many Final Fantasy beauties, this is the only other one to make the list and the game isn’t even out yet! Maybe it’s personal preference, but never before have I seen a character design that I want to exist in real life quite as badly as Lightning’s. She is agile, brooding, strong, and an undeniable badass. She even clocks the hulking Snow in the face a few times in the extended Japanese trailer. Maybe it’s my love for strong women, and maybe it’s her perfect face, but if I had any visual artistic talent, I feel like Lightning is exactly what I would create if asked to draw the perfect woman. I am aware she is not real, and that every word I type makes me more and more of a sad human being, but I can’t help it. Just look at her kick ass in any trailer, and I feel my drooling is justified.
Sheena and Judith
(Tales of Symphonia and Vesperia)
Let me be honest. These two characters are exactly the same. They are both the token buxom babes who aren’t as passive as the protagonists, but still hide their pasts to put up a hard front that hides their soft heart. Still though, they add the much needed adult eye candy to the cast of usually way-too-young-looking girls that litter the Tales series.
So that’s it! An honourable mention goes to Kairi of Kingdom Hearts who is only 15, but will probably be appropriately slamming hot when she grows up.
I could definitely go on, but there’s only so much embarrassment I can put myself through in a single day. Where do you guys stand? Agree with some or any of my list?
Maybe you prefer the bouncy girls of Dead or Alive? Or perhaps you feel Rinoa, Dagger, or Rikku should have made my Final Fantasy shortlist instead? Let me know in the likely-to-be very creepy comments below.