Editorial: My Fantasies Tend to the Bizarre

The universal fantasy, according to the great sages and eminent philosophers at Penny Arcade, consists of repeatedly using the clunky controls of the PSP to kill Tidus. Over. And over. And probably once again, just in case someone happens to be hanging around with Phoenix Down.

That is all well and good; Tidus is annoying and deserving of violent, gruesome death upon the ôdachi of Sephiroth. But Final Fantasy: Dissidia contains only a few Square-Enix characters that it is actually a pleasure to shred into pixellated bites. Here are the ones they forgot (in case someone at Square wants to make a sequel).

5. Robo

Robo:  Ten Tons of Suck
Robo: Ten Tons of Suck

Robo comes from the future, speaks in barely intelligible jibberish, and provides only one useful service in the entire game: he spends four hundred years or so restoring a forest. In all other respects, he is an unfunny version of Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Deserving of death: absolutely. Or at least violent reprogramming. With an axe.

4. Dwarf King

Final Fantasy IV is one of the greatest games ever, for any system. It contains several notable flaws, chief among them being dwarves.

Dwarves are annoying in most any media. From dwarf-tossing jokes in Peter Jackson’s interpretation of the Tolkien classic, to every drunken, vaguely Scottish stereotype populating D&D campaigns worldwide, they are second only to the gnome in their vileness.

The Dwarves in Final Fantasy IV are worse, and their King is responsible. It is easy to imagine that they might be an otherwise peaceful and industrious society without his reprehensible leadership. Nothing more need be said than to repeat his endless cheer of “Lali-ho!” Deserving of death: lali-lali-ho!

3. The Turks

They are terrible villains.  Terrible villains must die.
They are terrible villains. Terrible villains must die.

They are supposedly the elite military wing of Shinra, a globe-spanning corporation with vast, unlimited resources. But like all henchthings in role-playing games, the Turks are bumbling, incompetent, and barely passable as slapstick comic relief. Despite being repeat antagonists, the player is never given the satisfaction of watching their blood drip down the honed edge of a Buster Sword. Dissidia 2: Turk Killin’ Boogaloo could remedy this.

Deserving of death: for sheer incompetence.

2. Warmech

One in sixty-four. One in sixty-four. Many enterprising first time Final Fantasists memorized these words from the Nintendo Power Guide. Much like the “Numbers” in LOST, this simple ratio represents the chance that the Warriors of Light, along their way to slay the Wind Fiend Tiamat, will encounter the most powerful boss in the game, woefully undergeared. Warmech heralds the creation of later evilly-difficult ultrabosses like the WEAPONs in Final Fantasy VII. If the worlds of Square’s imagination follow the laws of Darwinian evolution, the quick and painful death of Warmech in the past will prevent headaches for heroes in generations to come.

Deserving of death: for great justice.

1. Palom and Porom

Oh sweet Lunarians... no... no!!!
Oh sweet Lunarians... no... no!!!

Imagine: you are a disillusioned dark knight, cast upon the far shores of a hostile nation, set upon a quest to face your darkest nature. From the great land of wizards, many of the mighty might join with you to ensure your victory. But no! You are given the Square-Enix equivalent of the Wonder Twins.

In a rare move of poetic justice, Square had these ignoble tykes sacrifice themselves so real heroes could make an escape… only to return them to life just when it all seemed safe.

It is not difficult to imagine that even Tidus would wish painful and violent death upon Palom and Porom.

Deserving of death: a thousand times over, please!

Should any Square executives happen to browse by, please make it so. Or at least Palom and Porom. Even a YouTube video of their death scenes will suffice… for now.

0 comments

  1. Anyone else ssurprised that orthros/ultros didn’t make an appearance in this?

  2. Choices had to be made. Ultros, Siegfried, and several others were on my list. Especially Odin from Final Fantasy Legend II.

  3. Wow.

    This is most unfortunate, Lane.

    I have to kill you. Preferably with fire or acid. Or acidic fire.

    Don’t fuck with the Shinra.

    Otherwise I mostly agree with you. I wanted to backhand those twins to the fuggin’ moon. >.>

  4. WHO DARES INSULT THE TURKS? WHO!?

    Palom and Porom are obnoxious. Strangely, they are not nearly so bad in the original game. In the 3D version, they are horrible.

    Nevertheless, PA is right. The whole point of making Dissidia is to give people the opportunity to kill Tidus over, and over, and over again.

    At least, that’s what I’ve used MY copy for.

  5. I love the Turks, too, but it always did confuse me how these were the best Shinra had to offer.

    I’d also like to add Penelo to the list from FFXII. Most of the characters in XII I enjoyed or were at least unoffensive, but for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, I’d love to impale her repeatedly with Masamune (before you ask, no, that’s not a euphemism).

  6. Van’s worse than Panello, though they both felt tacked on in order to appeal to demographics.

  7. @Ginia: X Yuna or X-2 Yuna? Apparently somewhere between the two games, she got a pretty extensive lobotomy. X Yuna I actually really liked (minus the voice acting).

    @SN: Yeah, I’d agree that Vaan seemed tacked on, especially for a main character. It seemed like he was really just along for the ride, as opposed to other FF mains who actually have motivation and a reason to be constantly putting their lives at risk. For some reason he didn’t bother me, though, mostly because he just kind of blended in with the scenery (I’d love to see a video with a palm tree just constantly superimposed over his character model for all the cutscenes. I bet you couldn’t tell the difference if he’s not talking). For some reason I really found Panello annoying, though. Thankfully, she really wasn’t that important to the plot, so I was safely able to focus on the other, better characters.

  8. -Yeah I really liked Yuna circa FFX (sans wooden voice acting), conversely her character irked me somewhat in X-2 (mainly because everything she did was so out of character), yet at least her VA had markedly improved.

    -Also, Basch was originally intended to be the main character of FFXII, but he didn’t test well so Wada decided they needed someone younger and angstier.

  9. – Yeah, I think if they would have just released X-2 as a completely different game, with all new characters, it would have been good. The problem was just about everything was inconsistent between X and X-2, ESPECIALLY Yuna. I’ll defend that game for it’s battle system and the overall story, but the characters completely lost me, which was a real disappointment.

    – You know that would make a LOT more sense. It also explains why Vaan’s character model only has one animation he makes over and over again (*shirtless flex*).

  10. I didn’t think X-2 had a very good story … I couldn’t stand what it did to FFX’s ending by bringing Tidus back at the eleventh hour as a completely unjustified deus ex machina. Some of the smaller pieces of plot were ok, but the overarching story was just dreadfull.

  11. Well, I didn’t get the best ending when I played it (I think that’s the one that brings Tidus back, right?), so I can’t really comment on that part. I didn’t think the plot holds up to the higher-tiered FF stories (IV, VI, VII, X), but I seem to remember enjoying the Vegnagun story arc more than most of FFV or VIII’s plot (even with the Tidus clone, which I’ll agree made it seem like the FFX story team was running out of ideas).

  12. I thought the whole Vegnagun storyline was just attrocious, as far as I’m concerned the only things going for it are the battle system, dress sphere system, and the fact that it’s packed full of content. FFVIII had a few things wrong with its story, but it was still a far better narrative than X-2.

  13. @DG: I did not play X-2, so it’s the FFX Yuna I dislike.

    I just … I dunno. I’m tired of the typical “Oh woe is me, I am a helpless girl” thing. Chick needs to learn to look after her damn self. I felt like a babysitter playing FFX. :P

  14. @Ginia – I completely and entirely agree. It wasn’t just the voice acting that made me want her dead.

  15. @darthgibblet – yeah, what the hells wrong with penelo?
    @ginia & ethos – “woe is me”? Yuna never seemed that way to me. yeah she acted all soft spoken but she was pretty strong willed. I believe when a character spends the entire game getting ready to off herself for the good of everyone else she’s allowed one breakdown.
    @Lusipurr – not cool
    I’d like to add [MYSELF] to this list. I realize I’m risking getting banned by typing this but I’ve got this thing about characters who [MOLEST] small children.

    [redacted by Lusipurr]

  16. @break – Sure she’s allowed a breakdown, but I’m not talking about that. It’s the constant apologizing and cowering in conversations. Also, she was weak and quiet about the whole true purpose anyway. Keeping a problem all to yourself isn’t strength, it’s weakness.

  17. She was supposed to play the martyr, and play the martyr she did. I liked her because she was good and kind. Yuna was a strong person, but she was able to do it without being in your face about it. I think the main sticking point for you is that, for whatever reason, you like to identify with assertive women. Yuna is obviously too demure for that, I wouldn’t confuse that with weakness though.

    BTW I fully expect that Lightning will be one of your favourite FF characters ever.

  18. If Yuna had any weakness it was an inability to think outside of the orthodoxy of Spira’s status quo the way that Tidus was able, though that weakness was shared by more party members than Yuna alone.

  19. @SN – Well stated! I think I might agree with you on all counts, especially about Lightning. But because I DON’T relate to Yuna, for whatever reason, she pisses me off. But I suppose that’s a preference thing.
    She’s not nearly as bad as Colette from ToS, though.

  20. @SN – Absolutely. Estelle is like a slightly less annoying Colette. Their names are basically the same too.