The universal fantasy, according to the great sages and eminent philosophers at Penny Arcade, consists of repeatedly using the clunky controls of the PSP to kill Tidus. Over. And over. And probably once again, just in case someone happens to be hanging around with Phoenix Down.
That is all well and good; Tidus is annoying and deserving of violent, gruesome death upon the ôdachi of Sephiroth. But Final Fantasy: Dissidia contains only a few Square-Enix characters that it is actually a pleasure to shred into pixellated bites. Here are the ones they forgot (in case someone at Square wants to make a sequel).
Robo comes from the future, speaks in barely intelligible jibberish, and provides only one useful service in the entire game: he spends four hundred years or so restoring a forest. In all other respects, he is an unfunny version of Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Deserving of death: absolutely. Or at least violent reprogramming. With an axe.
4. Dwarf King
Final Fantasy IV is one of the greatest games ever, for any system. It contains several notable flaws, chief among them being dwarves.
Dwarves are annoying in most any media. From dwarf-tossing jokes in Peter Jackson’s interpretation of the Tolkien classic, to every drunken, vaguely Scottish stereotype populating D&D campaigns worldwide, they are second only to the gnome in their vileness.
The Dwarves in Final Fantasy IV are worse, and their King is responsible. It is easy to imagine that they might be an otherwise peaceful and industrious society without his reprehensible leadership. Nothing more need be said than to repeat his endless cheer of “Lali-ho!” Deserving of death: lali-lali-ho!
3. The Turks
They are supposedly the elite military wing of Shinra, a globe-spanning corporation with vast, unlimited resources. But like all henchthings in role-playing games, the Turks are bumbling, incompetent, and barely passable as slapstick comic relief. Despite being repeat antagonists, the player is never given the satisfaction of watching their blood drip down the honed edge of a Buster Sword. Dissidia 2: Turk Killin’ Boogaloo could remedy this.
Deserving of death: for sheer incompetence.
One in sixty-four. One in sixty-four. Many enterprising first time Final Fantasists memorized these words from the Nintendo Power Guide. Much like the “Numbers” in LOST, this simple ratio represents the chance that the Warriors of Light, along their way to slay the Wind Fiend Tiamat, will encounter the most powerful boss in the game, woefully undergeared. Warmech heralds the creation of later evilly-difficult ultrabosses like the WEAPONs in Final Fantasy VII. If the worlds of Square’s imagination follow the laws of Darwinian evolution, the quick and painful death of Warmech in the past will prevent headaches for heroes in generations to come.
Deserving of death: for great justice.
1. Palom and Porom
Imagine: you are a disillusioned dark knight, cast upon the far shores of a hostile nation, set upon a quest to face your darkest nature. From the great land of wizards, many of the mighty might join with you to ensure your victory. But no! You are given the Square-Enix equivalent of the Wonder Twins.
In a rare move of poetic justice, Square had these ignoble tykes sacrifice themselves so real heroes could make an escape… only to return them to life just when it all seemed safe.
It is not difficult to imagine that even Tidus would wish painful and violent death upon Palom and Porom.
Deserving of death: a thousand times over, please!
Should any Square executives happen to browse by, please make it so. Or at least Palom and Porom. Even a YouTube video of their death scenes will suffice… for now.