Editorial: Sir Not-Appearing-in-This-Film's Review of "Demon Souls" Is Not Appearing in This Post

I meant to review Demon’s Souls today; I really did. But Gamefly did not deliver it in time. You may curse the US Postal Service if you wish.

So you are getting an “OHSWEETTHORWHATDOIWRITE!?” filler column this week… and you are going to like it.

Some mention was made during the off-the-record commentary on the last podcast about the eternal struggle of Alliance versus Horde. I am an Alliance warrior, because I bathe regularly and do not possess tusks. I despise most of the Horde on general principles. Thrall is a poofter, Garrosh is uppity, the Blood Elves… well, you know what they say about humanoids with large pointy ears and green glowy eyes.

In light of the Gunship Battle coming between the Alliance and Horde in the Icecrown raid, I thought I would do my part to foment discord in the ranks. After all, it is going to be a hollow victory against the Lich King if after we kill him Garrosh steps up and takes his place as a bloodthirsty faction leader bent on world domination.

Also, I am on vacation, so I am (literally and figuratively) mailing this one in.

So, I present: Amrytale’s Five Reasons To Never Join the Horde!

Seriously, when did Horde take on a positive connotation?
Seriously, when did Horde take on a positive connotation?

5. Trolls

Seriously, racist much? Why are all trolls faux-Jamaican? Why is it we can’t have a nice troll that likes Kenny G and mayonnaise? Also, every freakin’ expansion has to have a troll instance where I will have to kill Bob Marley’s violent troll cousin, Zul’guru’gunda’hebra’jin’marley. It might involve “mojo.” Only Austin Powers gets to fight with mojo and walk away cool, Blizzard.

4. Goblins

Goblins are small, green and ugly. They are like a more annoying version of Gnomes, and believe me, I would willingly sell every last Gnome straight into the claws of the most bloodthirsty Orcs for nothing more than dinner garnish. For fun. I have no idea what it is about these diminutive monsters that makes me froth with rage, but I look forward to the day that I catch one of them in a PVP setting so I can hit it with my shield.

3. Garrosh Hellscream

LOKTAR OGAL! Why did Daddy never love me?
"LOK'TAR OGAL! Why did Daddy never love me?"

Seriously. Stop. Every time my guild gets to the Faction Champions, I dread hearing the words, “Lok’tar ogal!” I just know Garrosh is about to make Erin FREAKIN’ Misthoof drop down and start HOTting up the place. Druids. Ugh.

Because I am a Protection Warrior 3/10ths of the time and an Arms Warrior the rest, my job is very nearly only: “Hey Amry, go grab that healer and keep her DOTted and stunned.” On the one hand it is rather easy; on he other, I freakin’ hate druids.

Beyond that, Garrosh is testy, offensive, smelly, green-skinned, and violent. Many of you Horde types will no doubt say that he hearkens back to the glory days of the Horde, before Thrall civilized you (hey, he may be a poofter, but at least he’s a decent poofter), but I say that the “old” Horde never really went away, just underground. Remember, this is the same Horde that gave rise to Ner’zhul, who would become part of the Lich King’s essence. This is the same Horde that hired the half-orc Garona to kill King Llane Anduin (my namesake!), the same Horde that, at the direction of Gul’dan drank the blood of demons to become bloodthirsty killers. And rest assured, this is the Horde that Garrosh Hellscream idolizes.

I realize it must be hard to hear that your heroes are really bloodthirsty, genocidal maniacs bent on dominance, but there is hope. Stormwind brie simply was never as good as it was before we stopped using Tauren milk, so the Tauren are always welcome back in our stables creameries society. Blood Elves are just misguided Highborne, and as I understand elf politics, that’s just gravy with the Darnassians. Trolls, Orcs and Goblins will be sequestered in Desolace and forced to mine ore, however, so that they can remain of some use to polite society. The Undead will be exterminated, of course. The lessons of the Wrathgate will not be forgotten.

2. Winning Every PvP Match Ever

Seriously, do you guys have a better version of raid chat for Alterac Valley? How is it that no matter who the Alliance chooses to go against, the game is only about three minutes long before the Horde has steamrolled over every graveyard and started face-raping the Alliance general? I call hacks.

Hi, Im Deathzlolshadowmagyk, a Forsaken warlock. Wanna cyber?
"Hi, I'm Deathzlolshadowmagyk, a Forsaken warlock. Wanna cyber?"

1. Lame People

The Horde is made up entirely of two types of people: overly-testosteroned teen boys that want to play something bloody, gory and “bad-ass!” and wannabe pseudogoths that want to play something dark and evil, and let’s just face it, a gnome warlock is more comical than fear-inspiring. That’s cool, I guess. It’s why people have gravitated toward playing “bad” or evil characters in games before, such as Bioware’s morality system games. I personally do not understand the drive to be evil; not that I want everyone to be as righteous a freakin’ paladin as Tirion Fordring, but c’mon… people seriously want to be a member of the faction that drank the blood of demons under the influence of Kil’Jaeden, Archimonde and the Old Gods to try to destroy the world? When was the last time an Alliance member did something like that? Oh yeah, never. If you play a heroic fantasy game, why not do something… heroic? The Horde creates bloodthirsty reavers, destroyers of all that is beautiful and holy. The Alliance creates nobility. Drop that red banner, and pick up the blue.

27 comments

  1. I’m a Horde. Reason being, before I decided to pick up the game (right before BC), I did a little research as to which faction I should choose. I stumbled upon the video of the Alliance wreaking havoc upon the Horde funeral. My decision was made. I’ve hated the Alliance ever since.

    Oh, and I definitely don’t fit in any of your categories. I’m a Tauren Warrior because they looked the most sane. I leveled on a PvP server, and repeatedly got ganked by Alliance. I never ganked any Alliance unless they started it first.

    Also, on my server, the Alliance own us in AV. I hate AV. It’s Lethon on the Battlegroup Nightfall.

    I do, however, agree with you with trolls. Wtf blizz?

  2. Lest it be forgotten who the notable heroes of the Alliance are, allow me to recap a few of their more luminous and memorable personalities to come from their noble ranks:

    1) Medivh, the Last Guardian of Tirisfal, who opened the Dark Portal to allow the Burning Legion to begin its conquest of Azeroth.

    2) Daelin Proudmoore, Admiral of the Alliance, Lord of Kul’Tiras, who rather than forge an alliance against the Burning Crusade and the Scourge with the free orcs under Thrall chose to pursue a blood vendetta and attempt an act of genocide.

    3) Kel’Thuzad whost lust for power led him to the service of the Lich King. Founder of the Cult of the Damned, herald of the Lich King, and chief architect of the spead of the plague; later, a Lich, and a chief amongst the Lich King’s forces.

    4) Abbendis Sr., First High General and Founder of the Scarlet Crusade, a zealot and madman consumed with a desire for vengeance.

    5) Isillien, the first High Inquisitor of the Scarlet Crusade. See above, but with inquisitorial torture thrown in.

    6) High Inquisitor Sally Whiteman, also of the Crusade, who ordered the torture and murder of anyone not a card-carrying member of said order.

    6) Renault Mograine, who murdered his own father with the sword Ashbringer so as to become leader of the Crusade. Best buddy of High Inquisitor Whitemane. The murder of his father led to Alexandros Mograine being raised as a Death Knight in service of the Lich King, with his sword being employed as a weapon in the arsenal of death.

    7) Baron Rivendare, a wealthy landowner, who pledged himself to Kel’Thuzad and was rewarded with power–as a death knight, and command of a large part of the Lich King’s forces. Now, commander of the Four Horseman of Naxxramas, a position formerly occupied by the aforementioned Alexandros Mograine.

    8) Lord Daval Prestor and Lady Katrana Prestor–both dragons, it is true–but nevertheless, heroes of the Alliance despite the fact that their intentions and actions were wholly evil, malicious, and cruel.

    9) Not all Alliance heroes are Human. We must not forget the power-mad Illidan Stormrage, Night Elf of renown, who allied himself with demons, destroyed the well of eternity, absorbed the skull of Guldan to become one himself, and now wages war against Shattrath.

    10) Arthas Menethil, By the Grace of the Light Prince of Lordaeron, Knight of the Silver Hand, and leader of the Alliance. Zeal drove him to murder his own subjects in Stratholme, burn his own ships with mercenaries in Northrend, and then murder those same mercenaries for burning his ships.
    In his lust for the sword Frostmourne, he left his ally Muradin Bronzebeard for dead, and killed his own troops in Northrend. Returning after some months to Lordaeron, he killed his father Terenas with Frostmourne. He then allied himself with Kel’Thuzad’s Cult of the Damned. After killing three Paladins, he then killed his own tutor, the truly legendary Uther the Lightbringer, so that he could steal the urn containing King Terenas’ ashes.
    No filial devotion here: the ashes were cast aside so that Kel’Thuzad’s remains could be stored in the urn. Ranging to Quel’Thalas, he then destroyed the elven camps and killed their Ranger General, Sylvanas Windrunner, raising her as a banshee. Undeterred, he then killed the king of Quel’Thalas, Anasterian Sunstrider. Then, he used the Sunwell of the High Elves to turn Kel’Thuzad into a lich.
    Not content with this substantial litany of atrocities, Arthas and his Scourge forces sacked Dalaran, killed the Archmage Antonidas, and stole the Book of Medivh. He then used this book to summon the Demon Lord Archimonde.
    Returning to Lordaeron, he killed all the humans in the area. His power weakening, he was ambushed by Sylvanas who was no longer under his control. At Kel’Thuzad’s advising, he fled to Northrend.
    Hacking his way through Blue Dragons and the dwaven compatrionts of Muradin Bronzebeard, he strove for the Frozen Throne in the citadel of Icecrown. On its steps, he cut down Illidan, and upon reaching it, he destroyed the throne with his sword, Frostmourne. He then picked up the helm of Ner’zhul and put it on, becoming one with the Lich King.
    Now, he rules over his forces of death, bringing war against every living thing in the world. Truly, a hero of the Alliance: Prince Arthas!

    Need I go on?

  3. @SquallDane: Having played Alliance to 60 in the original release, I eventually joined the Horde because the Alliance players are a bunch of twelve-year-olds who use ‘I’m a hero” as justification for being the worst assholes I’ve ever seen in a multiplayer game. I have seen Horde players occasionally ganking people, but the Alliance is where true assholes reside. Attempting to reason with members of your own faction to ‘leave the L.20s to their questing’ eventually tires one out.

    Having levelled to 70 as a Horde character on PvP servers, I never, ever attacked allies unless they attacked me first. I have been ganked so many times that it doesn’t bear thinking about–and attacked by alliance players of every level; some of them, five to ten levels beneath me. This is either zeal of the sort that is representative of the Whitemane/Abbendis variety, or it is arrogance to the point of lunacy.

    That said, I have never once lost in a battlefield. The alliance players are generally worse at everything, so I’m not really surprised about this. I think that may have to do with twelve-year-olds making up 98% of their population.

  4. Ah, Oliver makes another appearance in another article! Good to see he’s still cybering.

  5. Lane is so fired. And if he’s in my battlegroup, ganked to hell.

    How can you talk smack about Garrosh when your people have Jaina “I’m a whore” Proudmoore to contend with? My gosh, that woman is a nuisance and an embarrassment. Not to mention all of the other pathetic, annoying, xenophobic and evil wretches that Lusipurr outlined. I would like to emphasize, bold, underline and italicize Arthas Menethil. Seriously. Seeeeeeriously.

    And Allies are jerks. Period. I just finished the Battle for the Undercity quest on my new character and geeze louise, I had forgotten what complete assholes those people are. Rude, that’s all I can say. R-u-d-e. Now I understand that they were pissed, that they thought the Horde was trying to screw everyone over, but the racist, bigoted, xenophobic tirade of your King was just over the line. Everyone knows the Alliance, humans in particular, are racist, cruel xenophobes who’d sooner enslave you rather than open up diplomatic talks. Jerks.

    The Horde have been horribly mistreated by the Alliance. Vilified, enslaved, shunted to the most remote and desolate parts of Azeroth. All we want is to live in peace, dagnabbit.

    Oh and we don’t have Gnomes. I mean, do I really need to say more? Sure Goblins will be short, and squeaky, and mildly annoying. But they cannot have pink combovers, or lime green porn star moustaches. *shudder* Gnomes … god.

    Also, Night Elves. Just about everything that has ever gone wrong in Azeroth was all their goddamn fault. You didn’t see any Horde races practically blow up the planet, drowning half the world, didya? Noooo.

    Oh and my Tauren will warstomp you into the ground before she’s lead into a stable, kthnx.

  6. @Lusipurr:

    (1) Medivh was corrupted before birth by Sargeras, so his evil is not of his own agency.

    (2) History will prove Lord Daelin’s correctness in seeking to exterminate the Horde from Kalimdor.

    (3)-(7) I am not saying individual humans have not committed evil acts, or been evil themselves. But the Alliance does not support in any way the actions of those who have joined the Scourge or the Scarlet Crusade. In fact, the Alliance has struggled against them at every turn. We police our own mistakes; the Horde glorifies theirs. You don’t see us living in towns named for Ogrim Doomhammer.

    (8) The Alliance’s strongest heroes have already banded together to destroy the Broodmother. Deathwing shall be next. And while they may have claimed human identities and attempted to mislead the forces of the Alliance, their subterfuge did not bear out.

    (9) I make no excuses for non-humans; Illidian was a great failure of the Alliance, but our amends were made atop the ruins of Karabor.

    (10) Arthas too abandoned the values of the Alliance, seeking unholy power to combat the Scourge invasion. Rather than trust to the Holy Light as his paladin training under Uther should have taught him, he sought to find more power in bloodlust and darkness than in the Light. When the Wolves of Theramore join Tirion Fordring in the assault on the Frozen Throne, it shall be the Alliance that finally puts anything that remains of Arthas Menethil to rest.

    @ Ginia:

    Lady Proudmoore herself commissioned her loyal Wolves to be the forefront of the Alliance forces in this world or any other. Should you venture into the battlefields of the Bloodlust battlegroup, we shall meet upon the frozen ice of Alterac Valley, and it is her honor I shall defend.

    King Wrynn’s actions will be borne out by history. Do you really expect Saurfang the Elder to suffer any more noble a death than his son? You cannot fight the evil that is the Lich King with the violence and bloodlust of the Horde. Only the purity of the Knights of Silver Hand is capable of resisting the Lich King.

    I do, however, agree about the Gnomes. Should the Horde wish to raze Gnomergan to the ground and salt the earth, well, I’m sure that Magni and Varian can be persuaded to look the other way. For ecological reasons, we’ll need to leave Darnassus intact, but I’m quite sure his high holiness Velen would like some new real estate in Darkshore and Auberdine.

    And bring on that sweet, sweet Tauren-milk brie. It’s very creamy, you know.

  7. Lane,

    1) The bloodlust is not of the Orcs’ own agency either.

    2) That’s what Neo-Nazis say about the Holocaust, Lane.

    3-7) When an Alliance member does something bad, it is an individual act, but when a Horde member does something bad, it is represenative of the whole? Mhm.

    8) I wonder who will get to Deathwing first. Methinks it will be the Horde. As usual. Play Alliance: last in, first out.

    9) Who was it that dealt with Illidan? Oh, another member of the Alliance. Good old Arthas. We can thank him for that.

    10) Who swept in to save Fordragon’s arse at the wrathgate? Oh, that’s right. The horde. Considering he couldn’t manage that fairly easy task by himself, I somehow doubt the Alliance is going to manage Arthas single-handedly.

    As for your challenge to battle in Alterac Valley: do you like losing? I mean, really, is it something you truly, deeply, and wholeheartedly enjoy? Think on it. Hasn’t the Alliance given us enough easy victories so far? Not that I’m against one more, but winning all the time does start to get a little boring.

    Aw, who am I kidding? It never gets boring.

    As for King Wrynn: back to that ‘borne out by history’ line again. Is this elaborate re-phrasing of ‘you’ll see!’ the best the Alliance can offer as justification for its cruelty, bigotry, and intolerance? Apparently so.

    Meanwhile, the Horde flag will continue to fly uncontested in battlefields and cities, and the Alliance will no doubt continue to prop itself up with idealistic delusions about how noble and wonderful they are; whilst reality is, as we have seen, quite another thing entirely.

  8. Oh, Good ol’ Monty Python. You’ll be doing a lot of running away in Demon’s Souls. Indecently, I die try to leave a message once but got killed before I could finish. If only the game could make that message end in a “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………”

  9. HAHA, Part of my post is gone… I wonder if it will happen again…

    I can’t wait for Fable III!

  10. Nope, that self-convicting line can remain right where it is! Now the entire world knows of your love for complete and utter rubbish.

  11. True fact: Darth Vader bankrolled the development of the Fable series. He’s in cahoots with Emperor Palpatine (actually Peter Molyneux in disguise!).

  12. What, This means… Peter Molyneux is really… Lusipurr’s father!

  13. @Lusipurr:

    (1) Horse patooty. No one made them drink the demon blood. Gul’dan said, “Hai guize how about we drink this nummy nummy demon blood!” and the Horde said, “Increase our killing power, eh?”

    (2) Every RPG system in the world supports the genocide of some (quasi)-intelligent race. I used to run an AD&D game called the “Goblithon,” which is a crown-sponsored goblin hunt in the Mountains of the Misty Vale. Why is it wrong in the Warcraft universe to support orc-icide? Or troll-icide?

    (3) etc. — I think my major problem is that the Horde doesn’t seem to reject these people as members of the Horde. Obviously Arthas, Kel’Thuzad, Rivendare, the elder Mograine, etc. were once members of the Alliance, but they forsook the Alliance and its values when they became Scourge. Garrosh Hellscream, Orgrim Doomhammer, Saurfang, etc., are not only still members of the Horde but venerated heroes. The capital city of the Orcs is named after Doomhammer! Gul’dan, Blackhand, and the Shadow Council aren’t embarrassing members of the Horde’s past, but heroes to people like Hellscream, who will lead the Horde post-Cataclysm.

    All I’m saying is that the world is set up as a fight between the nobility, virtue and honor of the Alliance, and the courage, fierceness and loyalty of the Horde. You may play whichever faction reflects your values… but if one wishes to be a hero, one should choose the one with noble, heroic values.

    Also, I don’t associate with Gnomes, except to punt them into my enemies.

  14. @Lane

    1) No one made various members of the Alliance go along with the people outlined in my post: but they did anyway.

    2) Why is it wrong in Warcraft to support human-icide? Or Ally-icide?

    3) Gul’dan isn’t anyone’s hero so far as I know. Not even Hellscream’s.

    4) As for your association with Gnomes, we have pictures.

  15. Also, how is Doomhammer a mistake? You’ve said this several times. He was one of the few who didn’t listen to the lies of Gul’Dan. He held Garona to account. He freed his people from the influence of the despicable Shadow Council. He then freed his people again from the prison camps of the Alliance. It was he who mentored Thrall. These are very good reasons to name two cities and a battleship after him.

    Meanwhile, you have a lovely harbour still named, inexplicably, Menethil. Better get on that.

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