I meant to review Demon’s Souls today; I really did. But Gamefly did not deliver it in time. You may curse the US Postal Service if you wish.
So you are getting an “OHSWEETTHORWHATDOIWRITE!?” filler column this week… and you are going to like it.
Some mention was made during the off-the-record commentary on the last podcast about the eternal struggle of Alliance versus Horde. I am an Alliance warrior, because I bathe regularly and do not possess tusks. I despise most of the Horde on general principles. Thrall is a poofter, Garrosh is uppity, the Blood Elves… well, you know what they say about humanoids with large pointy ears and green glowy eyes.
In light of the Gunship Battle coming between the Alliance and Horde in the Icecrown raid, I thought I would do my part to foment discord in the ranks. After all, it is going to be a hollow victory against the Lich King if after we kill him Garrosh steps up and takes his place as a bloodthirsty faction leader bent on world domination.
Also, I am on vacation, so I am (literally and figuratively) mailing this one in.
So, I present: Amrytale’s Five Reasons To Never Join the Horde!
Seriously, racist much? Why are all trolls faux-Jamaican? Why is it we can’t have a nice troll that likes Kenny G and mayonnaise? Also, every freakin’ expansion has to have a troll instance where I will have to kill Bob Marley’s violent troll cousin, Zul’guru’gunda’hebra’jin’marley. It might involve “mojo.” Only Austin Powers gets to fight with mojo and walk away cool, Blizzard.
Goblins are small, green and ugly. They are like a more annoying version of Gnomes, and believe me, I would willingly sell every last Gnome straight into the claws of the most bloodthirsty Orcs for nothing more than dinner garnish. For fun. I have no idea what it is about these diminutive monsters that makes me froth with rage, but I look forward to the day that I catch one of them in a PVP setting so I can hit it with my shield.
3. Garrosh Hellscream
Seriously. Stop. Every time my guild gets to the Faction Champions, I dread hearing the words, “Lok’tar ogal!” I just know Garrosh is about to make Erin FREAKIN’ Misthoof drop down and start HOTting up the place. Druids. Ugh.
Because I am a Protection Warrior 3/10ths of the time and an Arms Warrior the rest, my job is very nearly only: “Hey Amry, go grab that healer and keep her DOTted and stunned.” On the one hand it is rather easy; on he other, I freakin’ hate druids.
Beyond that, Garrosh is testy, offensive, smelly, green-skinned, and violent. Many of you Horde types will no doubt say that he hearkens back to the glory days of the Horde, before Thrall civilized you (hey, he may be a poofter, but at least he’s a decent poofter), but I say that the “old” Horde never really went away, just underground. Remember, this is the same Horde that gave rise to Ner’zhul, who would become part of the Lich King’s essence. This is the same Horde that hired the half-orc Garona to kill King Llane Anduin (my namesake!), the same Horde that, at the direction of Gul’dan drank the blood of demons to become bloodthirsty killers. And rest assured, this is the Horde that Garrosh Hellscream idolizes.
I realize it must be hard to hear that your heroes are really bloodthirsty, genocidal maniacs bent on dominance, but there is hope. Stormwind brie simply was never as good as it was before we stopped using Tauren milk, so the Tauren are always welcome back in our
stables creameries society. Blood Elves are just misguided Highborne, and as I understand elf politics, that’s just gravy with the Darnassians. Trolls, Orcs and Goblins will be sequestered in Desolace and forced to mine ore, however, so that they can remain of some use to polite society. The Undead will be exterminated, of course. The lessons of the Wrathgate will not be forgotten.
2. Winning Every PvP Match Ever
Seriously, do you guys have a better version of raid chat for Alterac Valley? How is it that no matter who the Alliance chooses to go against, the game is only about three minutes long before the Horde has steamrolled over every graveyard and started face-raping the Alliance general? I call hacks.
1. Lame People
The Horde is made up entirely of two types of people: overly-testosteroned teen boys that want to play something bloody, gory and “bad-ass!” and wannabe pseudogoths that want to play something dark and evil, and let’s just face it, a gnome warlock is more comical than fear-inspiring. That’s cool, I guess. It’s why people have gravitated toward playing “bad” or evil characters in games before, such as Bioware’s morality system games. I personally do not understand the drive to be evil; not that I want everyone to be as righteous a freakin’ paladin as Tirion Fordring, but c’mon… people seriously want to be a member of the faction that drank the blood of demons under the influence of Kil’Jaeden, Archimonde and the Old Gods to try to destroy the world? When was the last time an Alliance member did something like that? Oh yeah, never. If you play a heroic fantasy game, why not do something… heroic? The Horde creates bloodthirsty reavers, destroyers of all that is beautiful and holy. The Alliance creates nobility. Drop that red banner, and pick up the blue.