News: Deformed Lolis Need Love Too!

Now presenting the New-and-Improved Saturday News! …What, today is Friday? So I already fucked up? DAMMIT!

Actually, this was a deliberate action. Due to a temporary schedule rearrangement, the news of the week will be posted today, Friday January 29th. All future Saturday news posts will be made on (duh) Saturday. Sorry for the interruption to your usual schedule, now on to the news!

The Posture and Bone Structure of the Average Gamer

Bringing Sexy Back

Assuming by “sexy,” you mean bow-legged with a crooked spine. Rickets, a debilitating bone disease caused by a Vitamin D deficiency leaving the body unable to absorb calcium, is typically only seen in impoverished countries and formerly Victorian-era Britain. But no more! The Telegraph is reporting that there has been a resurgence of rickets, and are pointing fingers at the internet and the video game industry. With more and more young people shunning the outdoors in favor of their couch, the lack of sunlight leaves the body unable to produce the necessary vitamin. The obvious solution to this is for video game developers to make a system that you could take outside, a portable device if you will. But alas, I do not think they will ever make such a fantastical device. Enjoy your mangled limbs.

Stop Masturbating About the iPad Long Enough to Read This Article

Despite its appearance, it is not the prototype for Apple's iTampon.

Seriously, you have been yanking it since the press release on Wednesday, your exhausted dick will thank you. Do you want a portable music player with half the functionality of an iPod, a frustrating interface, and OMFG pretty colors? Then good news! Samsung debuted the TicToc at the 2010 Consumer Electronics Show earlier this month, and tween girls rejoiced at the thought owning one in bright pink. This device looks like a bullet vibrator, and its method of operation is the same as a bottle of ketchup: you shake it to get a result. Shake it down to change the volume, shake it up to change the song. The only versions announced so far are 2GB and 4GB, presumably because adding more songs than that would cause you to hurt yourself by continuously shaking your MP3 player like a whore giving a dry handjob. The only thing I believe I would want to do with this device is upload the intolerable Ke$ha song of the same name, and introduce it to Mr. Sledgehammer. …Alright, it is now safe to resume your furious fapping frenzy.

Unfortunately, the adorableness makes the loli police force rather unsuccessful.


Unless you fap to lolis, then you should continue to hold back for just a few moments longer. Christopher Handley, the Iowa man who plead guilty in May of 2009 to possessing loli hentai, was supposed to be sentenced on Monday, but the defense and prosecution jointly decided to push the hearing back to February 8th. He was originally charged with the crime in July of 2007 when the United States Postal Service determined that the manga he had ordered depicted underage females engaged in sexual activity. Apparently the mailman was not an otaku and didn’t realize that lolis are the number one export of Japan. Handley faces up to fifteen years in prison and a US$250,000 fine. Thousands of Pedobears anxiously await the court’s decision so they can weigh whether or not its worth it.

Most Pathetic Story of the Week

Her biggest fans, all of whom will never have a chance with her.

On Wednesday this week, the 2010 Taipei International Book Exhibition opened, and there are at least twenty fanatical men who are glad they no longer have to sleep on the pavement. They are not homeless, but instead are obsessed with the anime voice actress Rie Kugimiya, known best for her roles in the popular series Toradora!, Shakugan no Shana, and Full Metal Alchemist. Though they knew she would not show up until the 27th, they started lining up as early as the 3rd in order to get the autograph of the tsundere queen, with one man even driving 367 kilometers (229 miles) every day to hold a spot in the queue. The authorities have tried driving them away, but this group is determined to see their seiyuu princess. Gentlemen, take my humble female advice: if you have sat outside waiting for us for over three weeks, it does not matter if we think you are romantic or just a stalker. Either way, you will still smell like ten kinds of rotten ass and, unless this woman is ridiculously kinky, chicks do not dig the smell of rotten ass.


  1. – To be fair, I live in Chicago. Even if I were outside, I wouldn’t be getting any sunlight. I think I’m just doomed to rickets (or maybe all gamers just live in the midwest). I do wonder if there were similar outbreaks when television first came to prominence, though. I mean it could be said to cause people to stay indoors just as much, you know?

    – I have two screens, I’m perfectly capable of masturbating over the iTampon AND reading your article! iPad rule 34!

    – If I were more motivated, I’d look up the pedobear ascii art that’s constantly posted to Digg, but I’m a lazy douche, so I won’t. These kind of stories always irk me a bit, though. I always hate classifying things as crime when nobody actually gets hurt. Arresting people with child hentai seems a little like cracking down on piracy by outlawing bittorrent to me (OK, so that’s kind of a crappy analogy, but you know what I mean :F).

    – That story may very well be in contention for “saddest story of the year.” Then it would have to compete with some of Ethos and Riddles posts, though :D.

  2. Oh? The story of fans lining up for the Haruhi movie didn’t make the news?

  3. Hold on… I’m all for pedophiles getting justice handed to them. But how did the mailman know? Was the manga not packaged? The postal service just can’t open other peoples mail unless they have a reason (IE. Drug sniffing dogs go berserk on it.) And how does the US legal system view drawn pornography?

  4. @darthgibblet: After having spent all last year in Chicago, I will agree that finding sunlight this time of year is like finding an honest politician there. But I did get a sunburn during the summer, so it does exist.

    @Epyon: Haruhi is just too polarized for me to report on it without getting flamed from either side. They are the die-hard fans who probably believe this anime girl truly is God and would suck Kadowaka’s collective dick dry, then there are the fans that are so bitter about the Endless Eight scandal that they’d rather chop the corporate penis off, or the fans that never liked it in the first place. Personally, I liked the first season, and I’ll eventually download the second season so I can see what new things have been added. I’ll watch the movies eventually too, but I don’t want to get involved until the rabid fans have already left behind their trail of death and destruction. I’m a scavenger picking off the remaining spoils of battle.

    @Oyashiro: I assume the package broke open, that’s the only thing I could think. I’ve gotten things shipped from Japan before that looks like they just wrapped it in toilet paper and put a stamp on it. And as far as the US legal system is concerned: “Title 18, United States Code, Section 1466A(b)(1), which prohibits the possession of any type of visual depiction, including a drawing, cartoon, sculpture, or painting, that depicts a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct that is obscene.” It wasn’t necessarily that it was drawn pornography, but that it was portraying underage girls in sexual situations.

    And Lusi brought up a good question: what about artistic license? I thought of the perfect example to counter any ‘artistic’ arguments. We’ve all seen the Coppertone sunblock bottles for years, with the little Shirley Temple look-a-like on the beach with the puppy pulling down her bikini bottom, exposing bare loli ass. While its not art worthy of being in a museum, its a graphic design for a company and therefore still a form of art. Is it pornographic? If you have a serious fetish with underage buttcrack, then yes, but for the rest of us normal people, no it is not pornographic. Now what if the dog was mounting the loli and trying to make inter-species babby? Then yes, that would be highly pornographic. Would it be considered art? Well you tell me, would you buy a bottle of sunblock that had a young girl being raped by a dog on the front? The answer is no. If your answer is yes, please give me all of the money that you would spend on pornographic sunblock and go jump off a very tall building. Don’t worry, I’m just keeping your money warm til you get back.

  5. -Funny that all the problems of the world should always come back to video games …

    -People that spell their names with dollar signs should all be shot!

  6. @Lusipurr – Sounds riveting!

    @Darth – They..They have dog that can do that? *Acts nervous*

    @SN – Even little old me? :(

  7. Oh Lu$ipurr! You and your ban hammer. The only one you’ll ever need… Is in your heart.