News: Passion, Compassion, and Pillow Fucking

GuildWars2Screen
Four New Races, Four More Ways to Get Your Money!

Ways to Get a Gamer’s Money Without Releasing a Game

Do you love MMOs but hate that you have to pay for them? Do you want to be part of my guild? …Please? I really need someone to pick my pathetic ass up off the ground all the time. NCSoft’s Guild Wars released five years ago with three expansions since, and for the past year, they’ve been pulling at the heartstrings of their fans with teasers about Guild Wars 2. This week, they announced more about it! Except it wasn’t about the actual game. ‘Ghosts of Ascalon’ is a book set to be released this summer, set two-hundred years after the events of the original series and in the current time line of the upcoming game. Unfortunately, the folks at NCSoft clearly did not think this through: even if we do buy your promotional novel in the summer, the speculated release date of the game is 2011, so while fanatics like me will not forget, more casual fans certainly will in the passing months. A novel idea (pun totally intended) would be to stop teasing us and release the actual game.

ColorBlindTest
Just to fuck with any readers that might be color blind, you're welcome.

Out Of Eye Drops To Cure the ‘Blind’ Status Effect

While this week’s PS3 day-long apocalypse was not exactly in Sony’s favor, they do have the up-side that the Central District of California courts this week threw out a suit against them filed by a blind gamer. Plaintiff Alexander Stern, who is legally blind, sued Sony for creating games that did not meet federal mandates about making public accommodations to handicapped individuals. While his enjoyment of the game may very well have been hindered by their lack of accommodation, the courts always want to rule in favor of public policy, stating that if they had determined Sony’s games to be a place of public accommodation, the ramifications for the industry as a whole would be too widespread and open the floodgates for other suits. However, if you are a game and highly visually impaired, there is still hope for you. Just ask Jordan Vernon of Canada, who posted a video on YouTube of himself struggling through the classic Zelda game for Nintendo 64, Ocarina of Time. While most of the evil people on YouTube probably responded with comments so pathetic that it makes Nate Liles seem mature, Roy Williams and three other Zelda fans wrote out step-by-step instructions for their fellow gamer.  After a huge transcript and many, many hours, Vernon finally beat the game, and owes it to the few people left in the world that have compassion.

FFXVfanart
Probably accurate.

What Heartless Corporation Has Absolutely No Compassion?

On this week’s “Why We Hate Square Enix,” we will talk about…  what was the name of that game again? Oh right, Final Fantasy XIII. During this week’s Great PS3 Crisis of 2010, the knee-jerk reaction of the gaming community was that the next in the Final Fantasy series would potentially see higher sales on the XBox 360 because of Sony’s blunder. Well, that apparently got someone’s panties in a knot because the following day, a week before the scheduled international release date, the 360 version of the game found itself leaked all over the internet thanks to several industrious little pirates. While this is surely devastating to the folks over at Square Enix, it probably does not matter all that much, seeing as XIII’s producer Yoshinori Kitase is already planning for the future. In a new interview, Kitase stated he is already thinking up ideas of Final Fantasy XV, despite previous statements that XIII would be the last of its kind.

AnimePillow
That linen slut was just asking for it, just look at how full of cotton she is. What a dirty girl.

Do You Take This Pillow in Holy Matrimony?

This week, as a show of just how pathetic the world can be, a Korean man married his pillow. No, ladies and gentlemen, I only wish I were kidding. After a Japanese man married a character from the DS game Love Plus, this particular man took the logical next step that he should marry a physical representation of his beloved 2D wife, Fate Testarossa from the series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha. These body pillows, called dakimakura, feature the helpless anime girls, oftentimes in provocative positions, much to the delight of lonely otaku all over the world. So you can comfort yourself to sleep at night knowing that someone somewhere is enjoying their honeymoon by pumping down feathers out of their beloved.

0 comments

  1. 360 FFXIII was leaked? Wow, I didn’t know till now. Not many sites even covered that story.

  2. -NATE LILES is mature!

    -Koreans should just be banned from existing …

  3. -from what I understood when Squeenix said that XIII would be the last of it’s kind they meant things like how long it took to produce and how much money it took, not the gameplay. efficiency, not design.

    -I’m imagining all of the poor mothers of otaku that have to clean those pillows…

  4. Oh? I read an article the other day which seemed to suggest that Wada was open to the prospect of his newly acquired Eidos studios developing Final Fantasy games …

  5. @Noob – I’m not entirely sure myself but if you go to industry gamer and some of the xiii fansites there was a lot of retconning about that.

    http://www.industrygamers.com/news/final-fantasy-xiii-developers-explain-how-the-rpg-is-the-last-of-its-kind/

    I’m not entirley sure why people are so upset that this FF is so linear, they’ve been like this since the first one, the only ones that weren’t were FF6 and FF12.

    and regarding Eidos if they were to make a final fantasy it would probably be a spin off, like fortress. as traditionalist as the japanese are seeing them give a main FF to the west isn’t even feasible to me.

  6. I heard about the possibility of them letting the West take a Final Fantasy project too, didn’t know it was Eidos. But I’ve gotta agree with Breaka here, it would probably be a one-off and not a full FF.

    tl;dr Coming soon, yet another Chocobo Racing game! -.-

  7. Personally I’m less upset about the linearity than I am about the complete lack of towns!

  8. @jenifer – people are speculating that they got that Fortress game which has me worried. Eidos aren’t bad developers but they’re not great either.

    @noob – the towns, really? is that really a big part of the final fantasy experience or is it just tradition?

  9. It’s a hugely important aspect! And my favourite part!

  10. – As much as I agree that it’ll never happen, I would love to see a western take on a traditional FF game. Like Breaka said, though, I don’t know if Eidos would be the company to do it. Whatever Wada meant by his “last of it’s kind” statement, I’m sure there will be a game called “Final Fantasy XV” at some point in the future. That franchise is WAAAAAAY too big a cash cow to just make spinnoffs from now on.

    – The last story reminds me of the episode of 30 Rock with James Franco. Probably my favorite episode this season.

  11. No FF has ever been as linear as FFXIII is. Towns and NPCs are important in RPGs to establish the world its set in. I don’t want to be told there is a world filled with people that need saving and not be able to go see it.

  12. I hadn’t heard of that term until reading Lane’s article, after I posted mine. I rather do like it, but with how bitter and resentful and angry most gamers (especially opposing console fanboys) are, I like The Great PS3 Crisis of Leap Year 2010, since you know every leap year to come is going to be accompanied by the annoying cries of “IS YOUR SYSTEM GOING TO BREAK THIS YEAR TOO, SONY?!”

  13. @Oyashiro – I think the Gametrailers podcast put it best when they said that XIII didn’t so much take freedom away but took away the illusion of freedom. it makes no difference if there’s a world map if you still have to go from a to b to c with no deviation. you raise a good point though about seeing the people you’re trying to save. XIII does have a lot of NPCs though, perhaps not the (to be frank) unnessacery number they had before but defenintly enough to get a feel for the world.

  14. @Darth – they’ve already trademarked XV so, yeah, it’s gonna happen.