News: Hooray for Violence!

Girl in Bikini with Chainsaw
You know, I was looking for an entirely different picture of bikini violence, but this is too adorable and awesome.

Pummel Your Way Into a Swimsuit!

Its summertime, meaning its time to be vaguely arousing in a bikini, but what if you cannot possibly spare any time from gaming to exercise? Seeing as we here at loathe the Wii Fit, it would seem that there is no hope and that we are doomed to be disgusting fatasses forever. But no more! After releasing the Move last week, Sony decided that they should continue stealing ideas from Nintendo, and thus created their own way to feel the burn. Motion Fighter, a fighting game in the loosest sense of the word, will display on the screen how many calories you have burned while playing it. But what is the method of interaction in Motion Fighter? Busting faces! Yes faithful readers, you can bring your Grand Theft Auto experience to life by smashing people in the face, all while melting away the ‘big bones’ in your fat ass!  Of course, with most everything involving the Sony Move, there is no scheduled release date, but try not to die from a cheeseburger-induced heart attack before then.

Bartz (FFV) NailBat
The Nail Bat: Weapon of Sophisticated Gentlemen

Because We Cannot Go A Week Without Mentioning Them

Another company whose faces we would like to punch in, Square Enix! Luckily, they also enjoy you punching in faces, because that brings them lots of money. Final Fantasy Dissidia sold rather well, and this week, Tetsuya Nomura stated that he would love to do a sequel to it. Whether this means a new round of Cosmos versus Chaos or to rehash it with a new set of characters is left completely to the imagination, ad the rather vague producer only said “I will do my best!” Way to be uplifting, Nomura-san. Square also continued yanking our collective dicks with the weekly “we would love to do a remake of FFVII,” but that is no surprise. Listen to the podcast to hear Lusipurr, Ginia, Nate, and Oliver discuss this dick-yanking. It goes up on Monday!

I wanted a Darkstalkers picture with clothing...does not exist, so have Street Fighter maids instead!

Dark Street Stalker Fighters!

More face punching! Yoshinori Ono has wrapped up production of Super Street Fighter IV, due late April in North American markets, and recently gave an interview about what he would like to do from here. Obviously, after finishing one game, the last thing he wants to do is immediately make another of essentially the same exact game, saying that Hyper Street Fighter IV is not going to be his next title. Instead, he would really like to try his hand at a Darkstalkers game. This would of course require the right permissions and the right amount of money, as well as a new game engine to handle the various transformations of the characters, but he called it his next dream project.

Blue eyes, blonde hair, huge tits, phallic thing in mouth... America is not a stereotype at all!

Video Games Make People Fat and Violent!

Because three articles about face punching really are not doing any favors to an already vilified gaming community, here is one to tell Hillary Clinton to shove it up her ass. At the 2010 Game Developers Conference, the United States Chief Technology Officer made an address about his hope for the future of, you guessed it, video games. Aneesh Chopra encouraged developers to create games that would help children learn their core curriculum, as well as offering a contest to develop games and apps that would enforce Michelle Obama’s fight against childhood obesity. The only problem, as Georgia Institute of Technology associate professor Dr. Ian Bogost reports, is the shallow political move being made. A video games designer himself, Bogost knows that games are complex, expensive things that are not easy to create and, even more importantly, market. The Wii Fit and its various clones are the only games with any popularity that promote a level of social responsibility, health in their case. There are hundreds of games out there that promote these concepts, but if they are not picked up by the big names, they are drowned out and not played outside of the developer’s local school district. Instead, he says, this announcement is the White House’s way of blending in with the younger crowd, and while they may have good intentions and would be generally pleased if a healthy game got widespread release, all they care about is the votes of those just turning eighteen. So I want to ask, our loyal readers, what do you think?


  1. -Motion Fighter looks so awesome. people have been saying that there’s lag but that could be fixed by release. I hate being poor.

    -If Auron, Balthier, and/or Delita ain’t in it then I don’t care.

    -That’s very good news, actually. this should get many people in the fighting game community very excited. I know a Darkstalkers fan who will be ecstatic about this.

    -I’m with Bogost. it really shows that these politicians don’t know much about the gaming industry. or rather, the entertainment industry as a whole. or perhaps because they’re games they don’t see them as part of the entertainment industry proper. nice picture, by the way.

  2. -Unite in poverty! That’s why I’m one of the only site members not splooging over FF13 right now, no money for it.

    -Sadly, Auron and Balthier probably have no chance, seeing as 10 and 12 were already accounted for in the first Dissidia. But it could be rather interesting if they add Ramza and Delita for a Tactics-based level. The only concern I would have for expanding it to non-main FF games would be the possibility of throwing Kingdom Hearts in there. I genuinely enjoyed Kingdom Hearts, but the fangirls are rabid, and I don’t think my eyes or my heart could bear to see the horrible, horrible fan creations that would come from that.

    -Sadly, I agree with Bogost as well. I’d like to believe that the whole “violent games = violent players” idea has been replaced by the notion that they can be used for good, and that the federal government is pushing this idea as well, but its just not true. *sigh* One day, one day…

    And I originally wanted to use this picture but the orientation doesn’t work well with the layout of the site. Hooray for Axis Powers Hetalia and their oh-so-accurate portrayal of America. ….And no, the irony is not lost on me that I will be having cheeseburgers and hot dogs for dinner this evening.

  3. If the US government wants games about curriculum and Michelle Obama’s fight against obesity, why don’t they just take out a mortgage on their deficit and throw good money after bad? I chalk this up to a facepalm, there’s no market for these laughably half-baked ideas. This one has obscure flash game written all over it!

  4. yay poverty!

    @jenifer – shit. fangirls. thanks for reminding me. fuck. gonna go watch porn to get the images outta my head.

  5. Don’t do that! The fangirls want you to go watch porn so you can become part of their army. Finding the above picture of Bartz with the nailbat required I sift through several pages of Cloud/Terra porn, I wanted to weep. Sure, its better than the multitudes of Balthier/Basch yaoi, but still.

  6. @jenifer – did it not occur to you to put -sex in the search?

  7. But that ruins half the fun! Like I said above, Darkstalkers and clothing are incompatible, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

  8. fun like hell. I’d rather play russion roulette. bullet wounds can heal and even if they don’t one has death to look forward to. I looked up FF VII on Gelbooru once. no minuses. the image of Tifa’s huge bouncing testicles shall never leave my mind. never again. oh… the horror… and foreskin 0_0

    found a badass picture of Cloud though.

  9. …M-maybe her huge bouncing breasts just relocated? *shudder*

  10. Wait, Canadian bacon is the source of evil, or BET is the source of Canadian bacon? …Is Canadian bacon made up of the wasted minds of America’s black youth?

    Thanks, now my entire day will be spent imagining a BET van that goes around inner city ghettos picking up uneducated kids off the corner, sticking a vacuum up their noses to extract the underutilized thinking-meats, then frying them up to create Canadian bacon. If I didn’t hate driving in Baltimore, I would go searching for this van too.

  11. It makes perfect sense! Canada’s GREAT POTATO embodies everything good and pure in this world, and so it follows that Canadian Bacon is a malign wellspring of unremitting evil!

  12. @jenifer – it’s the last one. I’ve seen it happen. I miss my brother Tyron…

    @Noob – but of course. Lusi’s refusal to accept the GREAT POTATO as his lunch and savior are a result of the VILE BACON’s corruptible ways.

  13. Best Theological Debate Ever: Is it heresy to eat potato and Canadian bacon in the same meal?

  14. yes. the GREAT POTATO is a jealous and vengeful deity and would cause a lack of starch for seven generations.

  15. @Jennifer: No, it is the way that one achieves a functional balance. People that elect to consume one end of the spectrum or the other are intolerable, much better I think to take the bacon grease of shame and villainy into ourselves, but mitigate it with the blessed starch of forgiveness and salvation.

  16. blasphemy! Heresy! would you destroy the very foundations of the House of SPUD!

  17. Nothing of the sort, do you truly think that so many bacon pieces should be consumed with his sacred starchy flesh were it not part of his grand design?! Those who question these holy truths do trespass against our spudly saviour! Do you seek to pervert his celestial recipe?!

  18. Do not confuse the will of the wicked with the will of His Starchiness. even a child knows that He tests his children to separate the damned from the well fed. any and all who suggest otherwise are Baconists. may the GREAT POTATO have mercy on your dinner.

  19. And do you truly think that the Great Potato would suffer his flesh to lay along side a garnish which he did not approve, you discount the efficacy and agency of our spud and saviour, let it be known that only the truly hungry shall be fed!!!

  20. Fool!! “suffer his flesh to lay along side” indeed! the VILE BACON is allowed to roam free by His will so that the human race can be tested. why do you not see this! next you’ll be saying one does not need to pray three times a day by facing Underboob!

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