News: Milk, Murder, and Movies!

Because she clearly does not have enough milk in those sweater-cows.

There’s Aren’t Enough Nuclear Weapons in Existence

For all of you XBox 360 owners with disgustingly perverted imaginations, there is a game out just for you! Available for 240 Microsoft Points is a lovely little independent game called “Ninja Chop,” and you would assume the game is self-explanatory from its title. But if simple ninja chopping were all, why would you ever buy it? You would not, so to entice you, they have added adorable females! And milk. Adorable females chopping containers of milk, making a rather curious looking mess. Oh Japan… and I am not the only on who thinks Japan is screwed up. New Hampshire Representative Nick Levasseur agrees, though to a rather awful extreme. In another shining example of why Facebook and Twitter are the epicenter of the foot-in-mouth epidemic, the Democrat posted that “anime is a prime example of why two nukes wasn’t enough.” The man backpedaled like mad once the local media caught wind of it, but the damage was already done. In all likelihood though, he probably does not care, seeing as one of his previous listed MySpace hobbies was “hunting neo-conservative Reaganites.” A delightful fellow, don’t you think? Or rather, I forgot my Japanese brainwashing… kawaii desu ne? ^_^ <3 <3 <3

Girl with Cleaver
Cute little loli with a large blade? This will not end well.

I am the bone of my sword, Unlimited Moron Works!

As if it were any surprise, more people attempting dying this week. When will they learn? A seventeen-year-old man in China was taught that harsh lesson this week when he was caught using a wallhack cheat in CounterStrike in a net cafe, enraging his fellow players. Clearly, CounterStrike is very srs bzns, as another played grabbed a 30cm knife from the kitchen and lodged it into the cheater’s skull. He was rushed to an area hospital, where they found that the only reason the blade wouldn’t go any further was because the tip had already reached the other side of his skull. The surgery required ten delicate hours of work, in which they discovered that, miraculously, the blade missed any major arteries and had not damaged the section of his brain that controlled motor skills. Clearly, he had a wallhack on Death as well. Children in the U.S. have also attempted to use some cheat codes on Death recently as well, as inspired by the very popular anime Death Note. A fourteen-year-old Michigan boy, possibly one of Lusipurr’s unruly hell-students, was the sixth documented child to be suspended for have created a Death Note of their own, a notebook wherein they wrote down the names, times, and manner of death that fellow students and faculty members are supposed to die. In the anime, the notebook has the ability to kill the person whose name is written down, and while that doesn’t actually work in real life (if it did, I would be in massive debt to Office Depot for buying every notebooks in their warehouse), America still has a knee-jerk reaction to anything that even slightly resembles the Columbine High School or Virginia Tech massacres.

Awww, she's so cute, look at that adorable Level 80 rape she's about to dish out!

World of Studycraft?

Do you ever wish your boss would stop evaluating you on your workplace performance and start giving you a raise based on the awesome achievements you’ve gotten on the XBox? If so, then you would second the opinion of Lee Sheldon, a game designer and professor at Indiana University’s telecommunications department. He believes that as the gamer generation enters the workforce, it would be beneficial to employers to use a similar system to get their employees to work harder at their jobs. Sheldon believe this so much that he tested it in two previous semesters, setting up his grading system with a leveling system that he compares to the wildly popular World of Warcraft. Students are given a level one avatar that compares to a grade of ‘F,’ and as the semester progresses, they must complete quests, battles, and crafting missions, all corresponding to a different assignment, to level up to get the grade they desire. He even implemented a guild feature, where students can gather together to complete their assignments. The results speak for themselves, as Sheldon states the students responded to the courses with “far greater enthusiasm” than before. How would you respond if your workplace started giving you a leveling system for your job?

This will end poorly for the plumber brothers, but the panty shots are probably worth it.

Hollywood Thinks the World’s Unanimous “No” Means Maybe

Despite absolutely ruining Mario, despite giving us a Zelda cartoon whose only redeeming point is the now popular “MAI BOI” internet meme, Nintendo continues to think that maybe, just maybe, we want another steaming pile of cinematic crap based off our video games. The Los Angeles times asked Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime about the possibility, and which he does not say one is due, he does not shut the door on such painful thoughts. However, Nintendo is not the immediate concern in the realm of eye-bleach, but Midway. In their acquistion of Midway last year, Warner Bros. studios gained the rights to the 1983 arcade game Spy Hunter, and now the cinema giant wants to create a film based off of it.  Collective groan.


  1. Spy Hunter the movie is totally just a rip off of Keystone Cops the anime, based on the Atari 2600 game of the same name.

  2. “America still has a knee-jerk reaction to anything that even slightly resembles the Columbine High School or Virginia Tech massacres.”

    -Apart from guns, guns are still cool.

  3. -I’m sure he said all that then locked the door to his study and then continued to fap to his secret stash of loli hentai hidden in his computer, while smocking crack no doubt!

    -Man, I saw the x-ray of that knife in the guys head. It was touching the opposite side of his skull for Christ sakes. How the hell does a person live through that, and not even lose motor functions or conciseness? I wounder if Death shot him later that day and accused him of cheating as well.

    -“How would you respond if your workplace started giving you a leveling system for your job?”

    Rage quit? *Buh dum tch*


  4. SN – Of course not! “Its mah second amendment right to bear arms so I can shoot me some Mexicanos as they jump that thar border!” America for the win.

    Oyashiro – *watches video* I hate you now.

  5. @Jenifer – You know you love it!

    @SN – I like the part when he almost falls down at the end of the vid and they decided to leave it in.

  6. Also, I can imagine what a leveling system for my job would look like.

    Ding! You have reached Junior Appellate Attorney! Your strength goes down by 1, your intelligence goes up by 10, your willpower goes up by 3, and your charisma goes down by 14. You are now a Troll. You have a club and a Tome of Greater Legal Research. It is very dark here, you are likely to be eaten by a grue.

  7. A wild Public Defender appears! Fight, Item, PKMN, or Run? Lane uses Motion for Summary Judgment! It had no effect… Lane uses Impeach Expert Witness! Its super effective! You have captured Public Defender! $300, 20 EXP.

    ….wtf does a Public Defender evolve into?

  8. Excuuuuuse me, Princess, but I think you forgot that “MAI BOI” isn’t the only legacy of Zelda cartoons.

  9. I’m sure Lane is just like Phoenix Wright. Do you yell out “Objection!” in court and point your finger? If not, lie to me and say you do.

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