News: Barret’s Gonna Pity the Fool

As announced earlier today, Squeenix has bowed to the overwhelming pressure placed upon them by themselves and the media ravenous fanboys and announced their Final Fantasy VII remake: Final Fantasy Afferentus. New details are already circulating about the long-anticipated title. Like Final Fantasy XIII, which has been an unparalleled success, Afferentus will feature full voice acting. No dubious accents to report yet, but we will keep you appraised of further developments.

Barret 2.0
The one and only Mr. T is currently in talks to voice Barret Wallace. Nothing is confirmed as of yet, as Squeenix’s people and T’s people are still working out some of the finer details. It has been reported that negotiations are going well. Squeenix has consented to change Barret’s catchphrase of “There ain’t no gettin’ offa this train we on!” to “I pity the fool that thinks we’s gettin’ offa this train”. Inside sources for Mr. T’s camp indicate that the last hurdle to overcome is the character design. There appears to be some disagreement regarding how many 3D gold chains to adorn Barret with. Once this is resolved, an official statement is expected to confirm Mr. T’s hiring.


  1. who will they be getting for Tifa? Pamela Anderson, Dolly Parton, or a balloon animal?

  2. This woman, title holder of the Guinness Book’s Largest Breasts in the world, at a whopping 38KKK, and thus dubbed, the Klan-Kans.