News: The Cake Is a Lie

Promotional Art of Cloud on Magitek Armor

Square-Enix Pulls Out All The Stops!

FINALLY! Now I can stop reporting on baseless rumors every week! The highly publicized rumors of a Final Fantasy VII remake of come to fruition with a press release from Square-Enix that they will indeed be bringing Cloud, Cid, Tits Tifa, and all the other Avalanche misfits back in some delicious HD glory, but not in the way that fans might anticipate. Following the success of Final Fantasy Dissidia, in which the main characters from each Final Fantasy title are thrown into a conglomerated world, Squeenix has announced Final Fantasy Afferentus, which despite its name, is not a Harry Potter spell. Instead, this follows a concept almost the opposite of Dissidia, wherein characters will start in the world featured in Dissidia and radiate outward to the other worlds seen in the original Final Fantasy titles. Players will join Cloud and Co. as they visit the mines of Narshe, the beaches of Besaid, and even the Tower of Babel leading to the Moon, though what they’re in search of has yet to be named. Rumors circulating around the internet suggest their purpose is to find the origins of Jenova and wipe out any similar threats, but nothing has been finalized… except for the main fact that FFVII FANBOYS CAN STOP BITCHING ABOUT REMAKES, HOORAY!


War Never Changes, Except When You Buy the DLC

Despite the continuing legal warfare between Activision and Infinity Ward, the much-anticipated downloadable content for Modern Warfare 2 was released this week. Created by the Japanese arm of Infinity Ward’s development team, the “Scarlet Devil” expansion opens up a whole new storyline, filled with complex characters, new locations,  and to the delight of trigger-happy fans, a new set of weapons and power-ups. However, the same trigger-happy fans have also already stated some flaws in the DLC, notably the absence of certain characters in the expansion, like Hakurei Reimu despite the inclusion of her namesake shrine. Even with this flaw, the presentation is absolutely excellent and many of the problems plaguing the original have been fixed. For the cost, its a damn good add-on and I fully encourage you to download it.


Congress: Now With More Cheetos and Mountain Dew!

If it were not already crystal clear to the rest of the world, Japan is full of a weird bunch of fat smelly losers commonly called otaku. Shunning the outside world in favor of their computer has made them social outcasts, but Japanese officials have made one massive discovery this week: all that time in front of the boob tube is actually beneficial, and soon will even be helping the government. In a study done sometime last year, it was found that the political and social knowledge of a standard otaku was, on average, thirty percent higher than that of a normal citizen. The difference is being attributed to the fact that more time spent inside with the computer and television means, in addition to significantly more lonely masturbation on poor hapless anime figurines, that more time is spent watching or reading the news, keeping them up-to-date on the happenings of their island nation and the rest of the world. One such nerd, Hideaki Abe, was found to be even more up-to-date on international news than some lesser ranking political figures… in particular, the mayor of Akihabara, which is essentially nerd central in Tokyo. Hideaki will be taking over the mayor’s position, and with any luck, the small ward will soon be bustling with even more activity, hopefully less involving masturbation.

She's so fucked if it starts raining.

Japan Wants Your Soul

Unfortunately, even in the discovery that otaku can be useful, many Japanese officials still cannot stand the impression that the world has of them. Most believe that it is due to the one-sided-ness of the internet; anything can be taken out of context, and the most mundane activity can be made to look wacky and ridiculous with the right frame or caption. To rectify this situation, TV Tokyo has struck a deal with seventeen developed nations, including the United States and Britain, to bring a Japanese channel to the masses. While all the programs will be subtitled in the country’s native tongue, they shows will be unaltered, allowing Westerners to see the original context of the show and understand the reality that Japan isn’t a cesspool of silliness. Because really, Hard Gay is a completely normal person, not a strange pervert in black leather booty shorts that air-humps everything. Really.


  1. I can always count on your column for the latest digital masturbation news!

    -Happy April Fools!

  2. Cloud in a Magitek makes me want to kill things. Thou shalt not mix the sacred and the profane.

  3. I’ve always thought Magitek needed more zippers! Finally a chance for SE to get it right!

  4. I hate April Fools day… I can’t trust any news from any site today.

    That being said. I can’t wait for Final Fantasy Afferentus! :)

  5. I’m looking forward to Cloud getting the smackdown from Balthier. Teach him how to be a proper badass!

  6. Oh yeah! Cloud in Narshe! Time to teach Emperor Gestahl a lesson in ass-kickin’!

    Who said an FFVII title wouldn’t be good? This is gonna ROCK!

  7. I solemnly predict that this announcement will NOT disappoint anyone!