LONDON, Associated Press — Tragedy struck the gaming world today when police foiled an apparent suicide attack upon gaming developer Peter Molyneux, best known for his groundbreaking games Black and White and Fable. Little-known video game blogger and minor media personality Lusipurr entered Molyneux’s sprawling London manse armed with a Nintendo® NES Zapper, homemade explosive devices, and wearing inappropriately-sized women’s undergarments.
Molyneux was alerted to Lusipurr’s presence when he said he heard “loud, ragged breathing” coming from his closet, combined with the smell of fear, shame, and absolute loathing. Upon opening his closet, a brief struggle ensued when Lusipurr fired off a blast from his modified Zapper. Immediate consequences were unclear, but Molyneux continues to be monitored by researchers from Black Mesa Research Facility, who assure the public that this appears to be nothing more than a foiled attack.
Lusipurr remains in the custody of Scotland Yard, who assure the government of the United States that only “proper” enhanced interrogation techniques are being used, and that under no circumstances have badgers been allowed to gnaw upon his genitals, which may or may not have been coated with brown sauce. Lusipurr’s fellow bloggers could not be reached for comment, citing incipient outbreaks of marathon God of War III sessions similar to that seen in certain hilarious Sony commercials.