Editorial: Of JRPGs and Nerds… and Nerd Love

Wii Gets a JRPG That… Seems Familiar

It is no secret that 99.99% of all Wii titles are absolute, barely-warmed gorilla shit served up in chintzy plastic packages meant to entice young people into a life of degradation, filth and kawaiiiiiii!

It is Japan’s masterstroke in return for the sins of DARUBIN AND WHAAARRUUU.

Slightly more mature anime fans and die-hard JRPG freaks can rejoice, but not too much, because that much physical activity is dangerous in the basement. Xenoblade appears to be getting the North America localization treatment, meaning a few out of work voice actors will get a contract that will shatter their lives and careers forever.

It is tempting to hate all Wii RPGs on principle alone: they degrade the genre as a whole just by appearing on the console. Still, one cannot help but shake the feeling that this is all too familiar, that this territory has been covered before. Then again, this author remains convinced that there are exactly two JRPG stories that get constantly recycled, and giant robots fighting an ancient war filled with ancient powers of ancient darkness where only a hero foretold in an ancient prophecy can…

Upcoming JRPG for the Wii -- Xenoblade
I do not think the Japanese know what the prefix "xeno" means.

You know, I cannot bring myself to write it. It is like TV Tropes threw up in here.

Speaking of Throwing Up — Gamer Love!

I am married; this was not an easy feat to accomplish, bookish and awkward as I am. The curse of the appellate attorney is that we are like Gollum. We live our lives locked away from civilization in dusty, dank caves formed from the towering stacks of law books we must have memorized. Our constant association with the most cacogenic and evil forms of life in the universe (other lawyers and judges) leaves us inept, unable to recognize emotional and social cues in others, and somewhat pale and moist.

In other words, we are just the kind of fine specimen that you want to bring home to meet the fam… if you want them to disown you.

My wife is a beautiful, talented and long-suffering, putting up with my endless obsessions with the pixellated world, books with lurid covers and titles like “The Shadow of the Torturer,” and of course “raid night.” I attribute this to the fact that she can mop up the ring with my ass in Tekken. She understands the primal joy that takes one at the moment of total domination and pwnage, and for that, I shall love her to the end of time.

So I get the fact that other nerds might need assistance, from time to time, in the dating arena. But… well… no. Just no. This idea was so bad Blizzard used it as an April Fool’s Joke. Penny Arcade did their best to sum it up in three panels, and as usual, succeeded.

This is wrong, just wrong
If you are a model, and would like to beat boys at video games (because no one but boys plays them), have we got a service for you! *Note: all misogyny in this service is completely intentional. We think men and women are both too stupid to fend for themselves.

Social networking meant for gamers will have the same problem that social games have: the only people actively engaging in seeking companionship will be in entirely the wrong proportions. That is, the available, non-sociopathic, non-creeps will be vastly outnumbered, and any likely suitors/suitoresses will be frightened off by the crawling, grasping misogynist hordes.

Mixing pleasure and, well… pleasure is a bad idea. The virtual world of games is divorced from the reality of what a relationship takes, and what seems safe and appropriate when you are slaying a giant, cartoon dragon is very different when attending a public function together. As a rule, your boss is not a fan of you pelting him with dinner rolls while yelling “HAMMER OF THE RIGHTEOUS!” Fuckin’ Paladins.

No, good singles of Gamer-land, there is no substitute for the old-fashioned way of meeting a suitable person or person of your preferred gender: clean yourself up, make yourself presentable (that means a shower, with actual soap, a little grooming, and some clean clothing) and showing up at a public place where people with similar interests and start striking up general, pleasant and non-creepy conversation.

And as always, remember, when the inevitable role-playing comes up in an intimate situation, paladins cannot wear the Helm of Disintegration.


  1. -as cliched as xenoblade looks I still want it. I want to see that black mech ruin somebodies shit.

    -I second your no with a resounding nooooooooooooooooo.

    -heh heh. gigity.

  2. It is sad that I had determined myself to purchase Xenoblade as soon as I heard the title. It is a relief to see that it looks to be a total Ginia-game.

    I will, uh, play Xenoblade simultaneously with anyone while chatting over Skype or Ventrilo. I only charge $29.99 an hour.

  3. you realize you’re charging more than a blow-job right?