News: If You Are Drunk Like Me…

It was either this, or Kim Jong-Il as an Evangelion character, but I thought Shawn would enjoy Pikachu missiles.

Korea Say MM-No! to Several MMOs

If you are a loli in South Korea, why are you reading this site? Get the fuck out of here. But if you are not an underaged Korean, then you should either laugh at them or pity them, for their government is cracking down on one of the most evil activities known to man: MMORPGs. As the number of school-aged children with “game addictions” continues to increase, players registered as underage will now have two penalties imposed upon them for their overnight gaming. First, nineteen different games will incorporate a fatigue system, where after the player has been signed on for a lengthy amount of time, the percentage of drops or other stats will decrease. Second, players will be forced to choose a six-hour blackout period in which they will not be allowed to log in at all. After the story a few weeks ago about a pair of Korean parents neglecting their real child to an early death by starvation because of their MMO habit, I can see the concern that the government might have, but one thought continues to persist in my mind: if you cut away the game for six hours, that is just six hours the child will spend utilizing their online addiction to discover the wonders of porn. So Korea, what is more harmful, kids with insane stats or kids watching dirty movies?

Pirate Fight!
Pirates Fighting Pirates! This battle looks particularly homosexual...

Porn Pirates Punked into Paying

If you are a fan of dirty video games that involve touching people in their no-no places, you are awful. If you are a fan of downloading these games illegally, it may soon bite you in the ass. Japanese P2P networks have recently been hit with a series of erotic visual novels infected with a virus, and many users including a shamed middle-school principal, have been hit with it. Once the game is installed on the user’s computer, the virus takes over and prompts the user for some personal information, then takes a screen capture of their desktop. The personal information and the picture of your dirty habit are then posted on the internet for all to see, as well as a curious offer: fill out this form and we will remove your information. When the form’s response arrives in your inbox, the user is prompted to pay a fee to take care of their copyright infringement charges, though the money never actually reaches the publishers, just the clever scammer that developed the virus. The scammer was eventually identified and, to the shock of many, shown to be a pirate just like them. Needless to say, it was not long after that he shut the site down voluntarily.

Because we did not already know that Microsoft was pure evil.

Microsoft Slave Drivers…No Really, There Are Slaves

If you are using a mouse made by Microsoft, you support Chinese enslavement! Hooray! It has recently been found at a factory operated by KYE to produce Microsoft mice, hundreds of teenagers have been employed under sweatshop conditions for appallingly dismal pay. For fifty-two cents an hour, employees work fifteen hour shifts in sweltering temperatures with no talking, eating, or bathroom breaks. When they are allowed to leave the assembly line, the workers share dorm rooms in groups of fourteen sleeping on narrow bunk-beds. The food is reportedly awful, and bathing consists of a quick sponge bath with a bucket of warm water. Labor laws are routinely broken, as well as Microsoft ethics laws, and with the pictures released of the conditions, it is certain Microsoft will be doing an amusing act to unfuck themselves from this travesty.

The most work-safe picture available, and I am pretty sure it is Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear.

Cataracts Are Not Sexy

If you are blind, you have masturbated too much, sorry for your loss. While I am an asshole and will laugh at you, another company out their mourns your visual impairment and wants to give you more masturbatory aids! The book “Tactile Mind” is printed on plastic and is a combination of both braille and…certain raised drawings. Apparently the world of braille pornography is far wider than one would expect, but there are very few books that provide actual illustrations of erotica. Unfortunately, one look at the pictures is rather disappointing. Rather than anything remotely sexy, they appear to be the creations of some LSD-snorting art student who wanted to create another dimension, where women’s heads are square and men have elephant trunks… on their faces, you perverts. So if you are blind or at all interested in fail-tastic art porn, you can buy “Tactile Mind” for the low price of $225. I will be over here looking at Georgia O’Keefe vagina-flowers for free.


  1. -what the fuck is going on in korean culture that MMOs are such an issue?


    -*phew* dell mouse.

    -go to no I’ll always be able to enjoy porn.

  2. Silly kids, don’t they know how to look at porn and play an MMO at the same time?

    So…Microsoft needs to update their slave drivers, huh. *snicker*