News: Not About Boobs

Last Stand Loli
Because CoD does not want to die just yet.

Suddenly, Call of Duty, Hundreds of Them!

This has been an insane week for Call of Duty news! First, in the interest of actual journalism, let us begin with what we know. It has been confirmed that CoD Black Ops will take players all over the Cold War era world, including Vietnam, the Russian mountains, and Laotion underground. It has also been confirmed that you will be playing as a member of an unconventional secret force of the CIA called Task Force 141 Studies and Operations Group (SOG). New weapons include a crossbow, the M202 rocket launcher, and an incendiary shotgun, and developer Treyarch has also revealed they will be bringing back vehicles, including a helicopter fight. They have also promised a co-op mode and full character customization, which brings us to this week’s rumor mill. With Activision’s acquisition of Bungie, the masses have cried “Modern Warfare 3!” like banshees in the night. However, Bungie has previously stated that they have no interest in the Call of Duty series, and considering the recent fallout of Infinity Ward, can you really blame them? Instead, Bungie is concentrating on their new IP, which Activision has already ensnared with a ten-year contract, which they say could outshine their Halo series. But do not fret over this loss, as another rumor floating about states that Raven Software, developer of such games as Soldier of Fortune, is potentially developing the next CoD game. Not much else is known to substantiate this, but as Infinity Ward continues to drop off like flies, you can expect that next week will bring us more news from the seeds of Activision dissent.

Money Slap
Hit her again, she clearly enjoys it.

Animu Hits Hard Times

Times are tough for North American anime and manga publishers with not one, but two publishers seeing significant changes recently. Viz Media, publisher of Bleach, Naruto, Dragon Ball, and almost any other popular manga, laid off sixty employees this week after having already put an unknown number of employees out of work in February of this year. The publisher stresses that this will not affect production of their fans’ favorite manga, but one of the biggest questions here is the stress on ‘favorite.’ Whether or not less popular titles will be cut is yet to be seen. Similarly, the 4Kids Entertainment group, known for bringing Pokemon and blatant censorship to the States, has also taken a big hit, seeing profits decrease so badly that the New York Stock Exchange has begun the process of delisting them. The company did state that a third party was looking to acquire the group for more than their market value of US$15.6 million, but did not reveal the name of their potential new owner.

Nightmare Fantasy 14
Nightmare Mode Redefined

Square’s Trail of Disappointment

Now that you have scrubbed yourself clean from that dirty, tainted feeling left behind from playing Final Fantasy XIII, you are probably hoping that Square has learned that no means no and not to touch you in your sensitive place again. How wrong you are! Coming back to violate you some more is Final Fantasy XIV, their attempt at getting more money from the previous players of XI. The beta for the upcoming MMO released in March, and in that time, some naughty videos began popping up on YouTube showcasing the horribly lackluster battles. Rather than taking it as a hint to improve their system, Squeenix concentrated efforts on getting these videos removed, forgetting the golden rule of the internet that once something hits, you will never scrub the tubes clean of it. The viewer must take into consideration that this is only a beta, and therefore the battles have some excuse for being slow and uninteresting, but its a ‘dog ate my homework’ kind of pathetic excuse. The game is supposed to be due out later this year, which many gamers are saying is much too soon for a game that feels so hollow.

iPhone Chibi
Or you could sit on your iPhone....most people seem to drive with their ass anyway.

Because Cell Phones and Ice Cream Behind The Wheel Are Not Awful Enough

Assuming all of our readers are over sixteen years of age (if not, Grandpa Lusipurr dislikes your presence on his lawn, so leave), then we have all driven a car. Subsequently, we have all seen the god awful things that other people do while driving their cars. Between talking or texting while driving, eating food, applying make-up, or that lovely case in Florida of some lady shaving her cooch while behind the wheel, it is undeniable that there are far too many distractions behind the wheel. Key words: behind the wheel. So some genius decided to put it in front of the wheel! Cisco, the computer development company that essentially keeps the world running (no, not the man that made the Thong Song), has made what is essentially an iPad for your dashboard, fully customizable with various apps that the driver can tap as they go along. Of course, the developers admit that this is still years off from being on the production line, probably due to concerns of expense, though hopefully concerns of safety as well. However, if you do not give a shit about the other cars around you and would prefer to douche it up on the go, go buy a large American turd called the Chrysler C200 and plug your iPhone in. The newest marvel out of Detroit allows users to control the temperature of the car, lock the doors, change the music, and basically anything else you could want your car to do, all with a push of your iPhone. Just please, do it in your driveway, not while flying down the highway going 80 MPH like an ass.

0 comments

  1. Needs more Boobs. :(

    Last thing we need are cars with Fart Apps.

  2. so ff14 will? bad news, i was looking forward to buying that game :(

  3. Needs more boobs.

    As somebody on a podcasts I was listening to today pointed out, Treyarch is now the most experienced studio at producing CoD games! That means Black Ops will be awesome, right?

    @Oyashiro, I think Ford’s in-car computer system, sync, is supposed to have an app store at some point. So soon, there WILL be car fart apps to go along with the truck nuts accessory! We’re so classy!

  4. Treyarch is definitely the most experienced at it, so I would hope they’re good at it. Just like Lusi’s “I hate this so everyone else must too,” my own distaste for Treyarch is not gospel. Except where Grandpa Lusipurr thinks his actually is.

    And seriously? Do people still put truck nuts on their vehicles? Welcome to 2002, ladies and gents.

  5. Needs more boobs.

    Nomura needs to join Mistwalker, then I’d have no more use for SE.

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