News: Horny, Glitchy, and Angry!

Sexual Healing
Probably not what Marvin Gaye had in mind.

Get Your Sex, But Not Here!

Many lonely fanboys cried wimpy tears this week as Sony refused an offer made by Vivid Video, the world’s largest pornography creator of such favorites as “Debbie Does Dallas…Again!” The company’s hope was to set up an age-restricted area on PSN where adult gamers could go to download some high-definition horizontal action, but Vivid founder Steven Hirsch regrets that negotiations went limp. However, he is not going to give up on the lonely gaming masses just yet, stating he could now turn his intentions to Microsoft to possibly bring some smut to the 360.  But what if you need nudity now? First, get out of the house and obtain someone of the opposite gender, this might be harder for some of you. Then, fire up your iPad or iPhone and play your new game! Which game? “War is Not the Answer,” a new game by Masaya Matsuura, creator of PaRappa. And why would your new significant other even consider getting naked to a video game? Because this game is based on the musical stylings of the one and only Marvin Gaye. Yes ladies and gents, an entire game based on “Sexual Healing.” It will play in the same Guitar Hero/Rock Band style, with users tapping a highlighted area in time with his soulful lyrics. Unfortunately, the game has no set release date yet, so you miserable losers will have to continue using your hand for now.

XIII - Lightning Rage
"Stop comparing me to Cloud, assholes!"

Final Fantasy XIII, Now Making Your PS3 a Tunnel Too!

On June 2nd, a class action lawsuit was filed against the evil overlords at Squeenix regarding FFXIII…sadly, you cannot sue for the hours of your life that you will never get back. Instead, they are suing for their PS3s which they now can never get back, as the game’s notable glitches not only froze the game, but made their systems completely inoperable with other discs as well. Of course, SquareEnix representatives are pointing the blame on Sony’s faulty system being unable to handle their awesome tunnel, while Sony says Square released faulty discs. The suit seeks damages of over five million dollars, and neither company has responded to IGN for comment.

Adorable Knife
"Teehee, its funny when you bleed!"

Only Some Gamers are Batshit Crazy

Actually, about four percent of gamers are batshit crazy, playing video games almost forty-nine hours a week. Yes, playing video games more than a full-time job. Surprisingly enough, a third of those categorized as “extreme gamers” by the NPD study were actually women, with the average age of all participants being twenty-nine. Even more interesting is the economic status of the “extreme gamer,” showing that the majority of them were actually people with a lower income than the other gamers. But, these same lower-income extreme gamers were found to buy more games than others, a staggering thirty-four game average over a three month period, which should dispel the idea that it is solely World of Warcraft’s fault. A good question the study does not answer is how much of this is Counter-Strike’s fault…probably because no one gives a shit about Counter-Strike anymore, except for one guy. Julian Barreaux, a 20-year-old nerd from northern France, spent seven months hunting down another player that killed him in-game in a knife fight. After finding that this rival lived only a few miles away, the crazy Frenchy went to the fellow gamer’s home and stabbed him, just barely missing his heart. The Counter-Strike fanatic will be held in jail for two years and must undergo regular psychiatric evaluations and anger management therapy.

Have Some Lube
Aww, such a sweet, considerate virtual girlfriend! She's giving you lube for when you go masturbating in a lonely corner while crying!

Need My Virtual Porn Now!

To begin my weekly news with porn, I needed to end it with porn, and for that, I turn to Japan. To be fair, Love Plus is not actually a pornographic game, but a dating sim that has attracted massive popularity, including a Japanese man legally marrying his imaginary digital girlfriend. This week, the obsession over the game reached a new level of ridiculous when nerds starting rioting outside of shops in Akihabara. Especially when you consider that these riots are not caused for the release of the game itself, but for pre-ordering it. Yes, the police have had to break up crowds that go enraged when they could no longer reserve a copy of a game. To be fair, these reserves are extremely rare, as the bundle (which comes with the game, a special-edition DS, and a fan) has been selling out instantly online, and to the disdain of many, has been turned around and resold on auction sites for several times the original price. It is unclear why Konami has not released enough to meet the ridiculous levels of demand, but the accosted shop owners and police officers are surely wondering the same.

0 comments

  1. “Of course, SquareEnix representatives are pointing the blame on Sony’s faulty system being unable to handle their awesome tunnel,”

    I love this line.

    And boobs.

  2. What is the appeal of Love+? I mean, what is so special about it? Is there a gratuitous amount of UNDERBOOB?

  3. I can’t really blame PS3’s for dying when forced to run a game as awful as FFXIII, IMO it’s 100% SE’s fault for creating a shitty fucking game.

    Also, boobs.

  4. The Japanese people’s relationship to sexuality weirds me out. I’m mean, I’m very GGG, but their style skeeves me out.

  5. Oyashiro: As far as I can tell, the characters are all highly idealized versions of the standard anime stereotypes. There’s the sweet one, the tsundere, the quiet one, etc. but unlike an anime where they’re simply watching the girls, this is their opportunity to interact with them. Nerds interacting with girls, its a Christmas miracle, brought every day by the DS.

    However, to add Lane’s comment in here, you also must take into consideration the type of obsessive fans that are playing it and their skewed opinions of sexuality. An add-on manga was released to one of the Love Plus games in which the fan-favorite Nene kisses a boy under an umbrella and says “Hehe, I’m all wet now.” Despite the fact that there is rain to justify that statement, the fanbase went into a complete uproar, saying this MUST have been a sexual statement and that it meant she was “second-hand” goods.

    BECAUSE HER PIXELATED HYMEN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER. E-V-E-R. I think its because they feel like, since they’ll be virgins forever, so should their imaginary girlfriend?

  6. …Also, its Saturday, neither Lane or Noob has a good excuse why you weren’t on the podcast! We needed a legal expert in regards to the FFXIII case, and we needed an expert of kangaroo knives! You two ruined everything ever.

  7. I think you’ll find that steak knives work just fine …

  8. @Jen – All Dating Sims I’ve seen are like that. I just want to know what it is about This particular one that makes people go so batshit crazy over.

    If I play it, will I fall in love? Will I want to marry my DS and later that night Have intercourse with its GBA slot all night long?

  9. Like I said, some guy actually found a way to legally marry the character Nene. So…yes?

  10. @Oyashiro – I’m gonna give you the benifit of the doubt and assume you have an unusually large GBA slot.

    bewbs

    also

    badonkadonk

  11. …*looks at all the pictures again*

    Where are you seeing a badonkadonk? Have you confused breasts with ass? …That would make motorboating a potentially awful experience.

  12. Lane, you just made a Dan Savage reference. Let’s have a marriage. Let’s have a marriage license.

  13. No, because then all I’ll ever post is this picture and the world’s productivity will drop to levels so low that it might actually become negative.

  14. @Jenifer: That picture has so much awesomeness that it’s forbidden! We’re not allowed to see it’s amazingness!

    Also, I’m with Oyashiro. I thought that’s what all dating sim games were. Is this one just particularly good at tricking lonely virgins into marrying it? Also, that is really sad about the fans outrage over that comment.

    @Breaka: Everything needs more badonkadonk.

  15. Sorry, I forgot Danbooru gets testy with direct linking, here is a proper badonkadonk: Delicious Arse

    What’s even sadder is this gem: the same group of morons got into a shit fit over a voice actress. Because she was wearing her engagement ring in a group photo with other VAs from the same anime.

    VA IS ENGAGED = THE CHARACTER SHE PLAYS IS ENGAGED = THE CHARACTER IS A SLUT

    What the fuck is dating like in Japan to warrant this?
    “Hi, I’d like for you to be my girlfriend.”
    “Okay! *om nom nom delicious cock* Teehee, I’m still a virgin but I can still make people rage!”