Editorial: Fable III Sucks Already

The evil of Peter Molyneaux knows neither limit nor boundary.

I speak of course of Fable III, the latest scourge spawned from Thakmardul, the Anvil of the Damned which sits in the frozen wastes below Cocytus. Molyneaux believes that the breaking of wind is a game mechanic, a decision I can only consider with revulsion.

Fable III continues the true evil of the series, which is how insidiously good the game looks. Graphically, the games are impressive. The weapons are fun to use, but… all in all, the gameplay suffers. Whereas the original Fable was a sufficient answer by the Xbox to another stylistic action-adventure game that is getting its own underwhelming sequel. Its derivative nature was less annoying and more a cheerful homage.

I think the problem is Fable‘s gradual shift through the timeline of Albion. As it has departed its medieval fantasy roots and embraced other fantasy genres, its magic has worn off. It has reveled in style and Molyneaux’s, ahem… “visionary” concepts like removing familiar menu systems in favor of new and more intuitive ones.

Again, these are all things that should happen, but invariably they also get packaged in with the ability to fart in people’s faces. The greatest tragedy of Fable‘s sequels is that they represent a squandered legacy, a chance to really revamp the gaming landscape… and yet, we are left with flatulence jokes.

However, Molyneaux is a famous and wealthy developer, and I am a lowly attorney slaving away over the nicest collection of murderers, rapists and thieves anyone will ever meet. So if one cannot beat the greatest evil in the known universe, one must join him.

Therefore, Peter Molyneaux, I humbly request that Fable III contain gratuitous underboob.

UNDERBOOB.

0 comments

  1. NO! Fable must NOT contain UNDERBOOB!!! One does not mix the sacred with the profane!

  2. Will it be replaced with “NatesUNDERBOOBemporium.com”?

  3. Fable 3 should also contain soundtrack contributions by Lady Gaga. I can’t wait for it to be released!

  4. Resistance is futile, Lusipurr. You cannot struggle against such evil as underboob and Fable-flatulence. You can only assimilate and hope in time that your differences are forgotten.

  5. @Lane: How DARE you mention UNDERBOOB and Fable in the same breath?! Blasphemer!!!

  6. Oh, you bastard … the warning is supposed to go before the link, not after!

  7. These eyes cannot unsee the things they’ve seen *stares blankly ahead*.

    Also, WTF is wrong with Peter Molyneux?! Is that the sort of troll he frequents for a tupenny upright in the back-alleys of London?

  8. Ah, sweet respite …

    A pure and decent depiction of UNDERBOOB once again provides a curative salve to my ravaged peepers.

    Thank you Oyashiro, you may have very well saved my life.

  9. But really, Fable III DOES looks really, really bad. Every “feature” that Peter announces with excitement just makes me think “that sounds like a TERRIBLE game mechanic”.

  10. Here’s my breakdown: removal of in-game menus that are not organic to the situation in favor of those that are? What a really cool concept. A little annoying if I want to change my weapon on the fly, but certainly, it might make me think more about gear choices.

    Everything else: why would you think this was a good idea? Why? You cheapen what could be a truly excellent gaming experience by trying to foist these “nifty” and “oh isn’t that cute?” things on us.

  11. this is makin me curious about the assinine things he’s implimented. all I’ve heard about so far is the hand holding.

  12. Apparently he’s removed exp, and your only reward for completing sidequests is gaining NPC support …

  13. I looked up some interviews with him. once you get past him goin on and on about what the player feels nothing he said he was doin sounded inherently bad.

    I heard about your growing weapon, your “true self”, good touch and bad touch, 3D UI, and the NPCs replacing XP. am I missing something? I haven’t heard him make any absurd grandiose promises either.

  14. This is Molyneux, his promises are like wishing upon an evil monkey paw.

    -Also, everything you listed sounds retarded.