News: Finally Not E3

Your PS3 is not impressed with what she sees.

‘Consoles are Like Condoms’

No, that is not to be taken as encouragement, put your pants back on and put down the console. Allods Online producer Vincent Douvier gave us that gem of a quote in a recent interview regarding PC versus console gaming. So how exactly is your 360 like a cock-balloon? “99.9% of the time you are safe. You know all the specifications of the machine,” unlike PCs which can vary from user to user. He also gives his view on PC gaming piracy, though this is not a new topic. Honing in on Ubisoft’s notoriously silly DRM, he notes that while publishers put in their DRM for the purpose of preventing themselves from losing money, “hackers do it for prestige and that’s priceless, they will always win in the end.” So while consoles have certain received an endorsement by this producer, another gaming official has a much less optimistic opinion of them. SquareEnix CEO Yoichi Wada feels that consoles are reaching the upper limits of their capabilities, and points to E3 to back his claim. Kinect, Move, 3D…these are all mere peripheral upgrades to existing systems, not further developments in the console’s technology itself. He does feel optimistic though about the future of network development,but this is probably because of his own intentions. He coyly hints that Squeenix is developing a Steam-like digital distribution system, but refuses to give any further details. What a cock-tease, and we got a condom out for nothing.

Where's My Money, Bitch?
This is all you have? Girlfriend request denied.

Cockblocking of the Highest Order

While we are on the topic of DRM, Konami has found the ultimate form of DRM, leaving many wondering if they will expand this tactic in the future. Japanese nerds were aghast this week upon discovering the secret rights management hidden within the insanely popular Love Plus game: you can play your illegally downloaded copy of the game, but the girls will not date your pirating ass. In legitimately purchased copies, the girls react as they normally would and will date you, but no matter what pirates do in the game, the girls will not call and will not accept requests to be your girlfriend. This DRM has not yet been cracked, but it raises a very interesting question: what would you do if your game punished you for downloading it illegally? Would it make you go out and buy it? Of course, the lonely and probably bitter otaku that play the game have already drawn a connection to real life: if you try to be cheap with a girl, they have no interest in your broke ass.

Napoleon Loli
For once, adorable did not sell well in Japan. Clearly the end is nigh.

Glimpse of Squeenix’s Future?

If you have not heard of the Tales series of video games, you might be forgiven, many titles were not released outside of Japan and the ones that have do not hold any huge fan base internationally. But if things continue going at their current pace, you might not hear about the Tales games anymore.  Namco-Bandai’s Tales Studio published their annual financial reports, and the results are nothing short of disastrous. With an annual loss of approximately one million dollars and a total deficit of twenty-one million, many question where the studio can go from here to save themselves from collapse. To those familiar with the Tales titles, it is clear why they have been suffering: like SquareEnix and its endless Final Fantasy remakes or Nippon-Ichi and its rehashings of Disgaea, the Tales series is slowly becoming the same story over and over, which could be responsible for its decrease in sales. What is to become of the studio is yet unknown.

Ni no Kuni
Look how pretty it is! And we will never see it. Sad sad.

Stop Hoarding Things, Japan!

To be fair, this one is our own fault, stupid Westerners and our inability to appreciate anything foreign. Anyone who is even a casual fan of Japanese anime and film has heard or watched something done by Studio Ghibli. My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service, and the most recent international release Ponyo are all creations of the iconic studio. So when screencaps of their new video game came out, fans everywhere rejoiced. Ni no Kuni (The Another World) begins with tragedy, like many other Ghibli pieces, where thirteen-year-old Oliver (not our resident dumbass) loses his mother. However, with the help of a fairy doll given to him by the deceased parent, he is able to go into an alternate reality, where alternate versions of people he knows exist, including his mother. This fairy also gives him a spell book which the battle element surrounds. No no Kuni is set to release on the DS in December, with a PS3 release in 2011…but these are both Japanese-only releases, with no hint at all as to an international release. Just as with the Tales games, it is going to be interesting to see how well the game does in Japan and if it will spawn an international release, or if it will fail miserably in its homeland and never see the light of day.


  1. Wait, so what you’re saying is, that if I want my wife to really love me, what I have to do is dress up like a pirate and kidnap her the next time she’s shopping at the mall?

    Because… win.

  2. -I can’t even fathom what Yoichi Wada will do next to make Square Enix even more irrelevant to me …

    -JRPGs rarely have Western dates before their Japanese release, that’s just business as usual, WKC took a year to reach Western shores so I wouldn’t invest my hopes in a hasty localisation.

    -Also, boobs!

  3. Lane: You forgot the part where you videotape it so all the world can watch as your wife screams bloody murder and fat mall cops come chasing after you with batons and cheeseburgers.

    NooB: The Tales series has just recently started being internationally released within a year of its Japanese counterpart, though previous incarnations had to wait as long as eight years to see outsiders. Unless you mean Ni no Kuni…to which I will agree with the rest of the internet skeptics: it won’t come out here until Ameri-faggotry gets our fat little fingers on it and pumps it full of Disney cream.

  4. – I’m no fan of DRM, but as far as DRM goes, that’s an awesome implementation. I’d love to see this expanded to other DRM schemes. For example, in Modern Warfare 5, you could have guns that only reload in legitimate copies :D. Much more entertaining than a boring error message.

    – Never played any of the Tales games. Certainly don’t think I’ll start now.

    – I’m not the hugest Studio Ghibli fan, but I hope NNK comes out here for the same of everybody who wants it so badly.

    – Needs more MS-painted boobs.

    @Lane: What you and your wife do in the privacy of your local mall is none of our business.

  5. Yeah, I just meant that it wasn’t surprising that Ni no kuni doesn’t have a Western release date, given the entire industry’s indifference toward the international market. I wouldn’t expect them to mention anything about an NA release until sometime after the game has already Japanese store shelves.

  6. @Darth – Not the biggest Studio Ghibli fan? Are you also not the biggest fan of human souls?

  7. That’s not true, I love human souls. They’re delicious.

  8. @Darth – you don’t like Ghibli? dude, we can’t be friends anymore. it’s against my religion. note the hierarchy of Teh Goodness.

    -Great Potato
    -American (read: real) Bacon
    -UNDERBOOB again
    -Asian Women

  9. @Breaka-UNDERBOOB under the Great Potato?! Oyashiro and myself will be around directly to set afire your church, salt the earth, and massacre any followers you may have attracted to your blasphemous and backwards belief system!

  10. @Breaka: It’s not so much that I don’t like Ghibli, it’s more I just don’t see what everybody else does in them. The movies are all well made and I enjoy watching them, I just wouldn’t classify any of them as “masterpieces” for my tastes, you know? I feel the same way about Avatar (although I’d much rather watch anything I’ve seen from Ghibli than Avatar again) :F).

    @SN: Don’t anger The Great Potato. He will take root in your heathen church of UNDERBOOB, destroying it from within! Watch as your followers are swayed to our cause by his starchy goodness! When combined with bacon, he is unstoppable!

  11. UNDERBOOB laughs at your false Canadian god! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  12. Dunno about the Tales having the same story over and over. While they’re certainly not innovative in the plot area, they’re always very solid games.

    I attribute Tales Studio’s current situation to Namco Bandai’s stupidity in both home and overseas markets, the latest of this being the huge Tales of Graces fiasco, releasing a heavily bugged game on a console that can’t even apply the patches lazy developers seem to love so much this gen.

    Also, Bandai Namco USA’s expectations of the games selling like a Final Fantasy title when they’re niche titles for animu and mango lovers in the West and then refusing to release new titles, or worse, refusing other publishers’ FREE MONEY to localize the titles for them.

  13. I didn’t realize Namco Bandai was actin like that. certainly explains the current situation. this all has me worried about Soul Calibur and Ridge Racer…

  14. Bandai Namco are hapless fools when it comes to their international strategy, though they do provide some fairly high quality localisations …

  15. thats sad, I love the Tales Series :(.
    and about the innovation part: Pokemon anyone? 99% of western games (shooters and sandbox of course) ?
    the real problem is Japan.

  16. @Epyon. And choosing the 360 and the DS over the ps3 and the psp .Those M$ moneyhats didnt pay the bills apparently.