Editorial: The top three dastardly video game mutinies

Mother Britain has turned off the taps, as well she might!

At the time of writing my former colonial cousins of the Americas will have recently enjoyed their annual celebration of mutiny most foul, whereupon they laud their cultural achievements of NASCAR, remaking Death at a Funeral for the Rob Schneider generation and the discovery of 351 different ways to fry a chicken, while shunning the heritage bequeathed them by their former colonial masters such as art, language and the correct pronunciation of beta. I think not ill of these sad, ungrateful wretches however dear reader, for while they may no longer suckle at the UNDERTEAT of mother Britain, they nevertheless remain in good company within the video gaming world. The following are dark accounts of the revolutionary actions taken to the great inconvenience of the many, in order to benefit the few wrong-headed instigators of insurrection. Americans may take solace in the fact that this accounting mirrors, and in some cases exceeds, their own sad history of lost culture and opportunity under the benign tutelage of Great Britain.

#3

The sundering of diplomatic relations betwixt the anthropomorphic kingdoms of Toadstool and Kooper

That come hither look cannot excuse what you have done Mario!

When relations between rival kingdoms become perilously fraught it has oft times been the historically accepted solution for the progeny of one dynasty to be wedded to the other, thus strengthening familial bonds between the two and injecting some much needed depth into increasingly shallow bloodlines. And so might it have been for the kingdoms of Kooper and Toadstool, were it not for a greasy Italian pimp who seized his chance to usurp the constitutional monarchy of Toadstool by stealing away the Princess Peach, thus leaving the Mushroom Kingdom’s Chancellors open to the transmogrifying attacks of Kooper mages, and plunging the region into a decades long war of attrition, which has yet to find its end. Far from achieving a peace enduring, this coquettish modern day Helen of Troy was to play catalyst in condemning generations of her countrymen to total war, as the villain Mario sorely abused her trust to make her a pawn in his regional machinations as he wages his diabolical war through space and time.

#2

The razing of City 17 at the behest of the scurrilous rebel Freeman

This is one for the coinoisseurs

It should come as little surprise gentle reader that the rampant mating cycles of mankind give the higher order organisms within our galaxy some cause for alarm, so when humans looked to expand their dominion beyond their global confines to the stars themselves and beyond, it stands to reason that they were always going to elicit an intervention of sorts. Enter the suppression ray, a deft tool of family planning, the softest of all potential coercive sticks that our alien benefactors might have used to instil a small measure of equilibrium back into the global balance. Sadly this humanitarian approach to population control did not take hold, and did in fact lead to mutiny most foul as the rebel Freeman exhorted his fellows to reject order and safety out of hand, in favour of chaos and anarchy. And thus as the surrounding city was laid to waste, and humanity’s most empathetic of advocates was himself cruelly slain, Freeman championed the reign of fear over that of order and certainty. So welcome to City 17, it’s no longer safer here …

#1

The abolition of responsible government in Dalmasca

This is what we do with our sexy insurgents!

With the old complacent order swept away in the fires of war (the result of Dalmascan intransigence) Vayne Solidor made his entrance upon the scene of Dalmascan politics, an energetic young Chancellor with grand ambitions and a sincere yearning to forge a genuine connection with all the people of Dalmasca. As is so often the case with states making the transition toward responsible government, the regime was beset with difficulty from the outset, owing to the incompetent and inequitable ministrations of Dalmasca’s former ruling dynasty. So starkly divided was the class structure in terms of prosperity, that the greater part of Dalmasca’s population was forced to reside ‘neath the city itself, trading in contraband in their sewer skirted markets. This dire situation is brought into sharper relief when one considers the socio-economic distribution of life within Dalmasca’s neighbouring cities, both Arcadian and independent, not a one of which is host to such a disgusting division between wealth and poverty. Progress from such a low base was always going to be slow going, yet it was on track until the re-emergence of a group of embittered malcontents who would see the return to benighted rule. Enter a shirtless teenage hobo, his dependent dolly-mop, two petty thieves, a rogue military general and a petulant Princess looking to inflict her ownership upon an unsuspecting Dalmasca by dint of noble blood and fuck all else, as her personal fancy. What did this dull-witted bint have to offer the people of Dalmasca? Nothing, she merely felt it was owed her by virtue of parentage. And with that staggering moral authority this grim cabal of revolutionaries and villains (in truth one and the same) set about fatally weakening the Dalmascan government, condemning future generations to more of the same incompetent feudal rule.

Looking at this makes poor Lusipurr cry

Runner up

Oliver Motok.

0 comments

  1. I’m going to have to make a reminder that I should not read SN’s posts at work. I don’t need my boss (or my assistant) walking in with those pictures on the screen.

  2. as big of a nerd I am I want to get mad at you for your gross misunderstanding of the political situation of Ivalice. Your report on the Koopa and Toadstool kingdoms was astoundingly accurate though.

  3. Bah-ha. Mario and Peach need to die and Bowser needs 50 more games.
    And I should have watermarked that Memetok template! These are getting better!

  4. Did you ever consider that maybe the shirtless hobos of Ivalice WANTED to live in the sewers? I bet they were very cool during the summers :D

  5. Hey, I don’t need to take this from a descendent of convicts!

  6. The kin of clean, decent British convicts looking to pay back their debt to a cherished monarchy, we are as kings next to those ne’er do wells who so wantonly forsook the crown.You’ll take what you are given Lane Haygood.

  7. Lusi, YOU’RE AMERICAN! I don’t give a damn how much tea you drink, you’ll never be english! let the dream die man!

  8. @Breaka: Blasphemy! Next you’ll say that eating a bunch of instant ramen doesn’t make me Japanese!

  9. I never wantonly forsook anything! I am a Texan, the descendant of Germans that emigrated in the middle of the 19th century, looking for a better life and the chance to exercise our rightful Germanic dominion over the New World.

    You’re thinking of those damn Yankees from “New England.”

  10. I second the Gibblet’s argument, simply because if his logic is correct, I am not a weeaboo but rather a full-blooded Japanese voracious destroyer of anpan.

    And Lane is correct about his American history. Being from Maryland, one of the first thirteen colonies, I’m the true ungrateful descendant! Get it right!

  11. Actually Maryland doesn’t, and the ones that do all go to Delaware to watch Asscar.

  12. That’s a long way to go just to see Luis Hamilton …

  13. my ancestors are just some of the unluckiest bastards to walk the earth so this shit don’t apply to me neither. that was a bad day to go to the beach…

  14. I wouldn’t walk to my neighbor’s house to see Lewis Hamilton. Your country, in addition to Switzerland, suspended his license there because of his idiocy. He’s not a good driver in F1, and not on normal roads either.

  15. No, Hamilton is a buffoon. Sebastian Vettel is the one I fawn over, though with how he’s been going Angry German Kid this year, don’t know if want.

  16. Wasn’t Lewis Hamilton that chap you used to call husband? What did he do to earn your wroth?

  17. Nah, Vettel is husband. Hamilton was caught hooning about.

    I assume that fact that Australia uses this term for poor driving means that the American racial epithet ‘coon’ is not used there. Kev was making black jokes about him for days afterward >.>;;

  18. I’m well aware of Hamilton’s hooning, I thought that was the type of thing you Nascar types liked? The word coon is used here sadly, both in terms of cheese, as well as in the derogatory sense.