Editorial: A pantheon of fools

Sony poised to return to profitability

Great news Luis Vazquez, SONY have MAXIMIZED their INDUSTRY, returning to profitability ahead of the forecasts of INDUSTRY boffins. The average predictions of four analysts surveyed by Thomson Reuters had predicted that Sony would post an 18.8 billion yen loss for the for the April-June quarter, instead the Nikkei business daily has reported that Sony is on the verge of announcing their return to profitability when their April-June earning are announced on the 29th of July.

SONY!!! INDUSTRY!!! XIII!!! ALLY MCBEAL!!!

It is thought that Sony will announce a profit of 10-30 billion yen (between 114 and 343 million dollars), in contrast to 2009’s 25.7 billion yen deficit for the same quarter, 2010 has seen strong year on year earnings thanks largely to effective cost cutting and burgeoning product sales in key markets. Sony has been in the process of rationalising their operations which has seen them slash 330 billion yen from their operating costs; measures included cuts to labour and factory consolidation. In the same period Sony has seen the reduction of manufacturing costs return their game and mobile phone divisions to profitability, as well as strong sales of LCD televisions in domestic and international markets, and a surge in sales of digital cameras, video cameras and PCs to China.

And so this perfect storm of trade conditions has seen Sony’s long prophesied return to profitability even despite a strong yen to euro exchange rate, I do so hope Luis hasn’t eaten any sugar or caffeine today, else he’s not likely to be able to sleep for a week. SONY!

Update: Sony has posted a profit of 295 million USD!

Australia’s Canada

There is but one thing uniquely New Zealand, and it's something no one else wants ...

When a dinky, near-third-world State full of riff-raff and derelicts is wont to devote their entire concerted energies exclusively towards attempting to pass themselves off as Australian, what would you expect from their television adverts? The artless, gormless twats of New Zealand’s TV3 have thankfully answered that question for us dearest readers, as a near pathological inability for New Zealanders to create anything of merit or meaning that is their own, has lead to their near verbatim appropriation of the work of one Mr Kevin Butler. It is almost sad to see how desperately they try to be anybody but themselves, after all what is man without an inherent identity? Soulless husks, devoid of mirth, worth and purpose, wraithlike and insipid as they drift through life attempting to eke out a transient existence in the benighted purgatory that is their home; the New Zealand experience.

The sorriest dregs of humanity of the week:

Jerry Lawton

Given the tenor of my discourse thus far you might be forgiven for thinking that there is no lifeform more wretched and pathetic than a New Zealander, to arrive at this conclusion would however be a mistake, but alas I am getting ahead of myself. Earlier this month Northumberland knew tragedy, a boorish thug named Raul Moat, upon leaving prison, decided to go on a rampage, shooting an ex-girlfriend, her partner and a police officer before eventually turning the gun upon himself. Now, you might well think that this episode couldn’t get any more dramatic or stupid, you would however be wrong; enter the pathetic weasel Jerry Lawton (a reporter with the Daily Star).

The Kudo Tsunoda of journalism. Would you trust this man with your babby?!

Apparently the events which transpired in Rothbury, Northumbria did not contain enough controversy for Lawton, as he promptly proceeded to invent a story wherein it transpired that Rockstar games did plan to make a game called Grand Theft Auto: Rothbury, a game featuring Moat as the protagonist killing his way across Northumbria. While this alone constituted one of the grubbiest cases of libel and pants on head indecency that I have ever encountered, regrettably it isn’t even the most mean spirited aspect of this sordid tale, you see the weasel Lawton required maximum drama for the predatory fiction he was writing. And so with this in mind he tracked down the 69 year old grieving grandmother of Moat’s ex-girlfriend, and asked her what she thought about Rockstar’s proposed game which allowed players, as Moat, to gun down her granddaughter. I wish I was joking. She was understandably upset.

Once it dawned of the Daily Star just how legally indefensible Lawson’s fictitious slander was, they had little other recourse than to pull the story, apologise unreservedly, and pay Rockstar an undisclosed sum for damages. Now, you might well imagine that Jerry Lawton would display some small measure of contrition for all the trouble and grief he caused through the writing of abject dross cum journalism, you would however be wrong again, for to imagine that is to presuppose that Lawton has some meagre shred of human decency, he does not. You see, rather than offer an apology to the people he had offended, Jerry Lawton thought his time would be better served on Facebook mocking gamers for taking umbrage at the lies printed about the medium:

Baffled by the fury of adult gamers. These are grown (?!?) men who sit around all day playing computer games with one another who’ve today chosen to enter the real world just long enough to complain about my story slamming a Raoul Moat version of Grand Theft Auto! You would think I’d denied the Holocaust!!! Think I’ll challenge them to a virtual reality duel….stab….I win!!!

Again, I wish I was joking.

Runner Up:

Ethan Pipher

For the better part of a week Ethan has been doing his finest Oliver Motok impression

19 comments on “Editorial: A pantheon of fools”

  1. *Censored*

    (Lusipurr.com has standards, I’ll not allow you to turn my post into your own personal Facebook– regards, SN)

  2. HAHA! One word: INDUSTRY!!!
    Best news ever! The hell… Best article from Lusipurr.com ever!! =P
    PS. Lusi, you should reconsider coming back to FB! It’s got all the security features from Tweeter now (I think).

  3. @Luis: Facebook’s always had more security options than Twitter, I think his issue was with them randomly setting all your settings to public whenever they feel like it. Although, to their credit, they have cleaned up their privacy page quite a bit and seem to be trying a bit harder to be security-minded now, but who knows how long that’ll last.

    Also, there’s much less information worth securing on twitter in general.

  4. @Luis: What Darth said. I’m not interested in Facebook. My Twitter is locked down so only my friends can see it, and they have yet to change that without my permission. Facebook, on the other hand, has proven (repeatedly) to be far less scrupulous. I don’t do business with people who have proven themselves through repetition to be scoundrels.

    @Lane: THIS

    @SN: You’re a marvel.

  5. What do you mean by FB setting all my settings to public without me noticing it? I have a lot of group settings and I don’t recall having problems with FB screwing up and opening my wall/profile to those I don’t want to have access to them.. Plus you can have in there as little information as you want, you don’t really need to tell them all your life just because they there have input fields for them!
    Twitter is too disorganized for my taste..
    Anyways.. in the spirit of this wonderful article: SONYNESS to everyone. Now to bed!
    PS: Darth – Almost done 5-starring all missions! And I’m missing only a few weapons/accessories! =D

  6. I believe that the last time FB changed, all the settings were turned to friends of friends (or something like that). To its great credit, I do not even recall the last time that changes were made to Twitter …

  7. If you look at this in familial terms; Britain is the parent, Australia is the eldest, New Zealand is the youngest, and Canada was the child put up for adoption.

    Thus we are entitled to give NZ the occasional nipple cripple …

  8. Here in America we really do strongly distrust/like Canadians. We just pretend it’s fraternal ribbing so they’ll never see it coming.

  9. personally I think those frost-back fuckers are plannin somethin. how long has it been since they had a war? I call for a pre-emptive strike. fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here.

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