Editorial: Weekly retardtoks #JoliverBiebtok

Video games incapable of complex human drama says ‘game movie’ ‘director’

It seems only natural that Mike Newell would wear pants on his head and talk a lot of shit. #JoliverBiebtok

This week in entertainment news Mike Newell (any relation to Gabe?), ‘director’ of the tepid Prince of Persia film adaption, opened his ‘mouth’ and let all kinds of shit come out of it. He claimed that it is the gamers themselves who are to blame for the mediocrity of ‘game movies’, by insisting that the films be accurate to the source material. It is Newell’s view that in order to make a good ‘game movie’ one must take a franchise and throw out all the bits they don’t like about it, or as he condescendingly puts it:

Why don’t we do what I tried to do, which is to take the good bits? You know, just massage them into a proper drama. [Prince of Persia] is that.

God Damn the gamers! Get them out of my head! The Prince Of Persia movie is a great big, general entertainment with a romance, a boy and a girl, comedy, action and a very good melodramatic story. It should be enormous, free reign entertainment. That’s what a Bruckheimer movie is, and that’s what this tries to do.

But when the discussion turns to the minutiae of the games, it begins now to bore the arse off me, frankly.

Ah, so that’s why the Resident Evil ‘films’ were so ‘wonderful’. Some might call the ‘films’ of Bruckheimer low-brow chaff, targeting the lower base passions of the plebeian masses, but not I sir, not I. With such lofty ambitions how could this fail to be the IDEAL format for ALL ‘game movies’ going forward? You see the video game medium, for all its wide eyed lolis and emoticons, is entirely incapable of expressing human emotion, and thus is ill-suited to a faithful cinema conversion. “But what of Heavy Rain” I hear you cry “was MGS3 all for naught? Does not Mass Effect show this up for the lie it is?”, “Not so” says Newell, he’s the first to admit that he is utterly incompetent at playing games, yet he has seen an assistant play through PoP, and moreover  has observed his son playing a nameless FPS online, which of course makes him an expert on the issue. Newell’s lack of experience with games, and thus lack of the deep seated bias to attribute to them any nobler human sentiment (which games are clearly lacking), simply make him more objective and authoritative in stating:

Well, here we are, talking about the God damn games again. The answer is yes, of course they can become a threat to Hollywood. But [they cannot] do so with drama in any real sense.

When people watch 24, they’re watching for the surprise, you know – when is the great big bad surprise going to step out from behind the palm tree. When they watch The Wire, they’re watching the human drama of it.

You can’t do it without the human drama. And the video game cannot do that. The video game can do all sorts of face-pulling, all sorts of: ‘I am a bad man, I have a mean jagged sword,’, but it can’t do any more than that.

Don’t get me wrong – I watched the game and took many things from it. But I haven’t had the experience of feeling in a game. The one thing I do not do when I watch my son mow down Brazilians by the regiment – nor when I watched my assistants playing Prince Of Persia –

I don’t feel anything, which is why I hate my son doing it.

You see, this right here is why I watch 24 with a box of tissues. Someone had best inform  Guillermo del Toro and Hayao Miyazaki, who are both looking to ply their trade in the world of gaming, as we wouldn’t want them wasting their considerable talents on a medium clearly incapable of expressing their art. Then again, a good director is always ready to try something new, while it could be said that the ‘game movie’ is the final refuge of directors who are singularly lacking in vision and competence, but more from Newell:

And I know, when I look at my 14-year-old’s glazed eyes, that killing 3,000 Brazilians doesn’t mean anything, really.

His son just sounds stoned.

Canada’s latest economic coup!

Canada has new INDUSTRY, ay? #JoliverBiebtok

In a move of sheer decisive guile the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador has swooped in with 300,000 Canadian tax dollars in order to entice Alabama based Bit Trap Studios to set up a sister studio in the land of Bacon and cousinly fellatio. The funds have been made available through the Business Attraction Fund, and stand to greatly boost the local economy as the studio employs AT LEAST 18 PEOPLE! CANADIAN TAX DOLLARS AT WORK! And who exactly are Bit Trap Studios? Well, I would love to tell you, but THEY HAVE NO WIKIPEDIA PAGE! A sound investment? Well, let’s ask the Minister of Business Ross Wiseman:

Video game development is an exciting, high-growth global industry, with young, creative and entrepreneurial minds leading the charge. Building this sector in Newfoundland and Labrador will add to our tremendous talent base and generate new business, skills, and employment in the province.

One gets the distinct impression that the ‘Government’ of Newfoundland and Labrador took a widgets and soap bars approach to attracting game development to the Canadian hinterlands, let us hope they get good value for their money.

Digital Scourge of the Week:

The Jolitoks

#JoliverBiebtok was the original AIDS monkey

Twitter these days has gone to pot, with all sorts of squalid and offensive personal promotions taking pride of place at the zenith of trending topics, and don’t get me started on Google, the Google bombing of a certain flamboyant reprobate’s name has left their predictive search terms perpetually mired in feculence. It is for turning our internet into a toilet, along with much other malign and shameful deeds, that Digital Scourge of the Week goes to the Jolitoks (the tweenage devotees of their gay Lord cum pop sensation Joliver Beibtok). Each and every time a new form of social media makes its début, there are but mere seconds before it is overrun by Jolitoks, who descend like wailing dirge to tag everything in sight with #JoliverBiebtok, until all the adults just get sick of it and leave. So remember dear and gentle readers, in these trying times of failure and woe it is all important to be good to one another, and to never, ever tag your Twitter posts with “#JoliverBiebtok”.

Runner up:

Ethan Pipher

Ethan Pipher receives Greenday's 'autograph' #JoliverBiebtok


  1. that is an elaborate ass google pic. it’s been a while since i’ve seen such dedication to being an asshole. bravo once again, Mr. NooB.

  2. That Google search picture is tremendous.

    We’re going to have to give you an award if you keep it up.

  3. It’s blurrier than I would have liked, if anyone has trouble reading it they can click on the picture for a larger version.

  4. That album cover would scare the small children shopping for music. Especially if it was placed in the Children’s Music aisle, where Bieber truly belongs.

  5. Now that would be a sight truly worth seeing, a massive display of Joliver Biebtok CDs!

  6. Lusipurr.com truly has the best readers on the internets!

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