Editorial: Do Want. Give Now.

What ho, my Lusi-sprites.

Things have gotten to be a bit professional ‘serious business’ around here as of late, so I thought it best if we strip away some of the pomp and pretense today. Never fear, Lane is here tomorrow to class this joint up again. In the meantime, though, let us all gather around for Sharing Time with Ginia. Nothing too heavy, nothing too serious, and let us try to avoid big words. I have had a long week, alright? So today I would like to post about some of the video game ‘things’ that I really wish were real. I will only list a few, and leave it to you guys to share more, whether they be serious or slightly less serious.

“Hi, can I have some free money?”
It was originally The Sims that brought this to mind, but of course it is true of most games, aside from grindy Asian grindfests. It is so much easier to earn money and make your way in the world of games. In the Sims, for example, if little Timmy wants to grow up to be an Astronaut, all he has to do is march his happy little self down to the local military installation and ask for a job. With minimal effort, in about a month he will be a fully-fledged Astronaut, and will be raking in the money faster than he can spend it. I sure wish that all I had to do to get a job was express an interest in it, and I sure wish that within a few months every entry level position would lead to a high-end, high-salaried position.

I also wish that I could find money and useful/valuable goods by cutting open pests and other critters, or by looking under rocks or in bushes. I searched under every bush in my yard, but none of them were concealing Rupees. Not one stinking Rupee, or bomb, or life heart. (please note, I am in no way encouraging any of you jokers to plant bombs near my house, we just painted the siding)

Behold, my loyal minions!
“Kupo!”
Moogles. They are just too gosh-darned cute for words. From their little pom-pom heads to their funny little wings, to their squeaky little “kupupo!”s, I adore everything about Moogles, and wish that they were real. I could have some cool dudes like Mog and Stiltzkin to hang out with, and some cute little generic Moogles about to do things like carry my stuff, or keep a journal of my daily affairs. Moogles, they are useful, adorable, and fun to be around. I love my dog, but I would trade her in for a Moogle any day. Plus, if Moogles were real, I could ask them what the evolutionary purpose of their little puffballs was.

“Welcome to (the real) Pleasantville”
Is it just me, or do videogames, especially RPGs, feature some of the most idealic, quaint, charming and adorable little towns and villages you can imagine? All equipped with a fine General Store, so it is not as if you are lacking in any conveniences. All of your neighbours are also a stone’s throw away, it is just that for some kooky reason, you all decided that one city block was really plenty of room for your town, no need to spread out into the vast expanses of empty lands between there and the next little blip of a town. These towns are just … adorable. Quiet, peaceful, everyone so friendly, everything is so clean, and everyone having just enough to survive and be happy. These little towns look like they were ripped from the pages of a fairy tale, and I want to live there.

15 comments

  1. “grindy Asian grindfest”
    Pardon my gutter mind but…I lol’d.

    Moogles have their disadvantages; unlike dogs, they can talk. I took my job as a dog walker because, after a few years of being a customer service drone, I decided I didn’t want to deal with conversation. The last thing I want is to clean up shit and have some doodly-bob-headed asshole talking to me while I do it.

    And as far as the idyllic little towns…FF6 had one of those, a whole world of them really. Then some asshat that got his job as a general by dressing up like a clown kinda went and ruined it all. That seems to happen a lot for some reason.

  2. @Jenifer: It heightens the pathos.

    @Ginia: The Sims isn’t a game.

  3. @Ginia – I’m with you on the moogles.

    @Jenifer – dirty, dirty minded person you.

    @SiliconNooB – yes it is.

  4. @Ginia: I think most of us will agree that moogles are awesome.

    Also, pokemon. What kid DIDN’T want pokemon to be real, growing up.

  5. @ Deimosion: Some of us were already grown when Pokethings hit US shores.

    @Ginia, Jenifer: I’d hunt moogles if they were real. Contrary to where I live, I generally do not support sport hunting. It’s fine if, you know, you need to do it to live (and no Ginia, beaver trapping and moose hunting doesn’t count), but if you do it because you love killing inferior creatures, play Russian roulette. But I’d hunt moogles. I would kill them and fill them with sand. Because I hate them with a fiery passion.

    @SN: They have a Medieval Sims coming out, which is a game. It will go something like this: You are born! You are dead!

    OK, try again.

    You are born! You live two years, get a cut, and you are dead.

    You are born! You live ten years, and then Vikings come and kill your family. You starve. You are dead.

    You are born! You live thirty years. You are not a grandfather three times over, and you are dead.

    Life in the middle ages was pretty much shit unless you were Chinese, Jewish or Arabic, but shhhhh no one tell white people. We’re too busy feeling superior.

  6. LOL, try: You are born, you live twelve years, and then you die in childbirth.

  7. I can’t imagine playing a female character in Medieval Sims.

    “You are born! You grow up! You get married. You have kids. You die.”

    Seriously; the most interesting thing you could do would be to hope your father finds you a nice dowry. Women had life pretty shitty up until about 100-80 years ago. Unless you were nobility.

  8. You are born, darn some socks, cook some dinner, get accused of witchcraft, prove your innocence by drowning.

  9. @Lusipurr: What else floats in water?

    @Ginia: The first thing that jumps to mind when reading this article is save points. Seriously, science, get on that. Also, anything with the word “warp” in the name. I’m tired of waiting on teleportation, damn it!

    I think I’m with Jenifer on the moogles, though. They’d completely ruin the job market! As far as I can tell from the FF series, they’ll gladly do any thankless job without any kind of compensation. Can you imagine what kind of havoc that would reek on the economy? (I’m aware that there’s probably a horribly racist “illegal immigrant” joke in here somewhere, but I’m too tired to execute on it. I leave that as an exercise for the reader :F)

  10. Moogles are the Mexican’s of Ivalice, no Arizona laws though, the Hume’s know which side their bread is buttered …

  11. Lane, I hate you, but you made me lol, so I love you as well. It is very conflicting.

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