This Week’s “Why Squeenix Sucks”
If you are a fan of Final Fantasy XIII, you are an idiot. You are so much of a blithering idiot that even the people who stand to benefit from your stupidity have given up on you. In a recent interview with a Japanese magazine, XIII’s director Motomu Toriyama said rather plainly, “we had plans for DLC, but those plans disappeared. Sorry!” An interview given in December 2009 hinted that DLC may have been a possibility, but those hopes have been tossed out the window. Instead, would you like to have Lightning jump around in a world where gravity has no meaning? (Sorry Lusipurr, you cannot be a vengeful god and suddenly turn this gravity back on to cause her to plummet to her death.) The latest issue of Weekly Shonen Jump offers us a glimpse into Square-Enix’s follow up title to Final Fantasy Dissidia, given the even more retarded name Dissidia Duodecim. Also featured in this tongue-tied sequel to the PSP game is Kain from Final Fantasy IV, but little else has been confirmed other than a vague 2011 release date.
Awkward Naming Is Not New
Believe it or not, the word “gay” actually does have associations other than Oliver and Ethan. Back before our noted homosexualist duo plagued us all with their presence, it originally meant “joyful” or “cheerful”…..or “prostitute” in later years. This brings into question why a small town in West Virginia was named Fort Gay, whether everyone was very happy or if they were prostitutes, but that’s besides the point. In this day and age, “gay” means homo, and with the screeching of twelve-year-olds shouting epithets every ten seconds, the good people at XBox Live decided that they would have no tolerance of this “gay” silliness. So when a man from the small town of Fort Gay, West Virginia attempted to log into his account one day, he was told his account had been suspended. Realizing it was a mistake by an overzealous employee who was not aware of Appalachian geography, Josh Moore called the support department to offer the zip code and try to rectify the situation. Instead of releasing his account, the representative warned him that his account would be cancelled entirely. This event escalated to the point that even the mayor of Fort Gay called XBox support, only to be told that “gay” was offensive in any context. This problem escalated all the way up to the director of policy and enforcement Stephen Toulouse, who ultimately reinstated the account when he realized that his support reps were morons. He went on the assure the public that employee training training would be improved to better deal with situations such as these, so the unfortunately named peoples of the world might not have to face such hilarious discrimination.
How Does I Brain Today?
If you are a fan of fast-paced first person shooters, this article is not for you. However, if you enjoy a more cerebral type of game, then you will really enjoy this news from Penny Arcade Expo, which wrapped up at the beginning of the week. Jonathon Blow, the creator of puzzle hit Braid, revealed a new game called The Witness. Not much has been revealed about it yet, with Blow’s own website simply describing it as “an exploration-puzzle game on an uninhabited island.” Unlike Braid, it is played from a first-person perspective and there are no instructions, it is entirely up to the player to look at the world around them and figure out what needs to be done next. That may sound chaotic and unappealing to some, but Blow stresses that a lot of what is being seen currently is “programmer art” and many of the puzzles are not completed. Regardless of this alpha state, the game is visually appealing and develops upon itself; inspecting a pretty fountain can unlock part of one puzzle which will simultaneously reveal another puzzle. If this is just too complicated for you but you still want something more intellectual than Duke Nukem, you might be interested in Bastion, a game by indie studio Super Giant Games. Bastion also has no outright instructions telling you where to go, but instead requires you control the story as you go. For each action you do, the narrator weaves the story, beginning with “the kid wakes up” as you move the analog stick to get out of bed, continuing to “the kid smashed a barrel.” Your first task is given to you when “the kid” smashes a petrified body, the narrator describing that the deceased wanted his ashes scattered. Both games do not yet have solid release dates, with Bastion being estimated as 2011 and The Witness possibly being done by this time next year at the earliest.
A Good Cause
Here at Lusipurr.com, we are a bunch of insensitive jerks, but that does not mean we are entirely devoid of emotion or moral compass. A few weeks ago, we promoted the Golden Wrench destruction event to benefit Child’s Play, and we thank our readers for all their contributions. This week, tragedy struck a young family with ties to the gaming industry, all due to the stupidity of another. Company of Heroes lead developer Brian Wood was killed in an automobile accident when a Chevy Blazer, driven by an idiot who decided to change her shirt while driving, slammed into the car he was driving. When investigating the accident, Washington State police found that Wood turned the car at the last minute so that when the impact occurred, it would not be head-on, but rather would hit in such a manner that the driver’s side of his car would take the brunt of the impact. This decision was fatal to Wood, but saved the lives of his wife Erin and their unborn child. In addition to Wood, two of the passengers in the Blazer died as well, and the police are looking into pressing vehicular homicide charges against the intoxicated twenty-one year old driver and her twenty-two year old passenger. Of course, as we are insensitive jerks, our knee-jerk reaction to to put the offenders’ heads on pikes, but that will not help the devastated family. Instead, Radical Entertainment’s Szymon Mazus has established a fund to help the Wood family in their time of loss at www.brianwoodmemorialtrust.com, where you are fully encouraged to give what you can. Or else we will put your head on a pike too. No seriously, if our readers are stupid enough to do drugs and get into a several thousand pound weapon, your head will be on a pike. Like tomorrow.