News: Tokyo Game Show Explosion

Ewwww, it smells like rice.
The look on her face is like she just smelled a fart. Speaking of which, where has Nate been all week?

If you are entirely oblivious to the world of video game conventions, then you are a moron. Furthermore, you would not know that today begins the third day of the Tokyo Game Show, which will be wrapping up tomorrow.  Unlike this year’s E3 or even the recent Penny Arcade Expo, the amount of news relevant to our readers was overwhelming, so let us begin!

What Did Capcom Eat?!

To be honest, I made an equally baffled and disgusted face when I saw Capcom’s new, younger, Edward Cullen version of Dante for the fifth installment in the Devil May Cry series. Julian ‘SiliconNooB’ Taylor, Australian Mate cried and drank so much Foster’s to ease the pain that he fell into a coma. Oliver and Ethan rejoiced that now their queer kind had a mascot. Not much has been revealed about the game yet, though it is being developed by Ninja Theory, producers of Heavenly Sword, in conjunction with Capcom. Another series they refuse to let die until they have beaten every last penny out of the horse, Ace Attorney, is confirmed to have another entry, a follow-up to Investigations. In their newest tale of homosexual Miles Edgeworth, players will interrogate particularly difficult witnesses with the new “Logic Chess” feature. Unfortunately for certain other prosecutors here who have an undying love of chess, producer Motohide Eshiro assures players that the chess pieces are simply a visual design element and will not require players to know the game. Capcom went to on to announce an entirely new title, Asura’s Wrath, produced along with CyberConnect2, the producers of the .hack series. The trailer immediately reminds one of God of War, its hard not to with the main character grappling and stabbing and generally making a huge mess of blood. Of course, none of these were given any kind of release date.

The Pain and Suffering Continues

While we are on the topic of developers unable to decide if they want to make us happy or make us cry, lets talk about our good friends at Square-Enix. They promised us before TGS that they would show trailers for Final Fantasy Agito XIII and Versus XIII, and while they did not lie to their faithful fans, they almost redefined the term “one-pump chump.” After an extremely brief preview of these long delayed games without any additional details, they did however give one glimmer of hope…by further cockblocking us and saying that they will hold a conference on January 11th regarding the Fabula Nova Crystallis Final Fantasy XIII series as a whole. Also included in these brief trailers was what appeared to be Tifa of Final Fantasy VII to be included in Dissidia Duodecim, as well as an Assist System by calling in other characters on the side of Cosmos. They also revealed some details about The 3rd Birthday, “revealing that Aya has Overdived from the future, possibly under orders from the White House, to wipe out the Twisted.” Yeah, I have no idea what they are thinking with that game either, though they confirmed that we will get to figure it out first hand when it releases on December 22nd.

Dissidia Duodecim Aya Brea
The demo disc that came with Parasite Eve included a preview of Final Fantasy VIII. Apparently Aya did not approve of Squall's intrusion.

But what if you want to combine your Dissidia DeweyDecimal and 3rd Birthday news into one?! You must be mad, mad I say! But wait, Square agrees with your insanity! If you buy The 3rd Birthday and Duodecim, you will be rewarded with a download code that will allow you to change Lightning into Aya Brea, complete with magical ripped pants! No, I am not kidding, look at the screenshot. Its like they want us to die a horrible death, but not without taking all our money first. Finally, being the money grubbing whores we have come to know and love, they also announced that like previous Kingdom Hearts games, Birth By Sleep will be re-released in a Final Mix edition with new Japan-only features.

How Much Worse Can It Get?

So after a story like that, it would be only natural for you to assume the news could only go up from here. But that is not the way we do things here at! No no, instead we will torment you with the latest way Japan has lost its damn mind. The Yakuza series, produced by Sega, is already released at a year’s delay to its outside markets, but now they have decided to steal the one thing American markets have always seemed to love: the undead. That’s right everyone, now you can play as a big mean tattooed Asian gangster AND take your boomstick to several zombie heads. Producer Masayoshi Kikuchi says that they felt the game should be taken in this direction to bring in the fans of the standard first-person zombie shooter and possibly lead them towards their other Yakuza titles while giving the existing fans a new twist on the game they already enjoy. Or he could just be honest and admit he wants to get more money from new people.

At least I've got chicken.
Anyone who can explain this picture wins a prize.

Amusing Intermission!

Are you a fan of the Phantasy Star series? If you said yes, I have good news for you! If not, shut up and deal with it anyway. Announced for PC for 2011 comes Phantasy Star Online 2! Rather than just lazily import the same elements over from the console MMO, Sega assures their fans that this will be a fitting sequel to the first and a completely new title. Yet in a hilarious contradiction, the trailer they premiered at TGS was simply a recap of previous Phantasy Star titles with a 10th Anniversary logo at the end. But what if this disappoints you? Then you should enjoy Phantasy Star Portable 2 Infinity! And if you are not pleased by this? Then no Colonel Sanders and CalorieMate for you! Yes, both fried chicken and artificial sugar are tie-ins with the game. Enjoy your heart attacks!

Confirming Unhappy Suspicions

Almost everyone at unanimously agrees that Valkyria Chronicles for the PS3 was an absolutely amazing game. Sega got word that Grandpa actually approved of something, as well as many other millions of people, so they did what any corporation would do and got greedy. They first milked the series with an anime, giving Alicia bigger boobs and literally comparing Selvaria’s to an actual watermelon.

Definition of Fan Service
Between the weight of her rack and the thousands of angry fanboy curses, its amazing that bit of fabric has not been destroyed.

They then released Valkyria Chronicles 2, a contrived high school reboot of the original game, and released it on the PSP. Many fans were disappointed, but being part of the corporate machine, still bought it anyway. So when it came time to announce the third installment, Sega put the final nail in both the HD and 3D coffins, relegating it to be a PSP-only series from now on unless “the right idea” comes up. When asked why, producer Shinji Motoyama stated that they wanted to have the series mature further on the PSP and that it could not be simply tweaked for a PS3 release. To help fans get over this let down, he did detail the game further. While it will take place at the same time as the original Valkyria Chronicles, a new cast of central characters will join, included another Valkyrur that the player can control. During their LiveStream, courtesy of RootBeerKing, we learned that they are also working on a way to balance out the gameplay between the death machines that are the Valkyrur and regular characters. It will be released in Japan on January 27th, 2011 for a price of around $65 for the standard version or $60 for the downloadable version. Until then, enjoy Selvaria’s sweet melons.

Nippon-Ichi: Not Dead Yet!

For fans of the long-running Disgaea series, the NIS presentation at TGS was a breath of fresh air. Introducing a new site for the game, the trailer posted shows a lot of new features to the series. First and most noticeably is that players can either use Takehito Harada’s original drawings or switch to the sprites that they are accustomed to, but either way, graphics are promised to be much-improved from the often criticized poor quality of previous games. The trailer also boasts more special attacks, some kind of political system rather than the school system, and new network play options, including a way of avoiding high-level players smacking around beginners. The online play also allows for e-peen expansion by boasting how many ‘yarikomi’ you have, ‘yarikomi’ referring to the side-quests, extra items, and other time-consuming achievements that Disgaea games are known for. The game is set to be released in Japan on Feburary 24th for the price of either about $80 for the standard edition or $115 for the limited edition, which will come with an artbook, soundtrack, and Nendoroid figure.

"Last Guardian" Trico
Its like a cat, a rat, and a Chocobo made a baby together. How is three-way babby formed? Who cares, its adorable!

The Big Finish

Much to the amusement of our staff members, the Japanese attendees of the Tokyo Game Show were actually given a big ol’ middle finger when it was announced that classics ICO and Shadow of the Colossus will be seeing HD and 3D remakes for the PS3, with the North American version being sold together and the poor Japanese being forced to buy them separately. Haha, nerds. In an interview with Famitsu, producer Fumito Ueda would not reveal the developer working on these remakes, though he described them as “extremely excellent.” Running at thirty frames per second, Ueda explained that ICO would not be changed to sixty even if they could, and that their other big upcoming game, The Last Guardian, will also be running at thirty frames per second. However, the real graphical powerhouse here is Shadow of the Colossus, which he stated that when it becomes 3D, “its true power really emerges.” Continuing his interview with Famitsu, Ueda went on to talk about the beast featured in The Last Guardian, the Torico/Trico (as with any romanization of Japanese, it is unclear exactly what the name is supposed to be, and sources vary on their usage).

While ICO and Shadow both pulled in the fans of fantasy settings, Ueda wanted to broaden his horizons by creating a creature that, while still very much part of fantasy, had some very realistic characteristics. “Showing such physiological occurrences would reach that broader base [and] could be worked in to create a new type of game design,” he said of certain features left uncontrollable to the player, such as the need to feed the Torico/Trico and scenes in which the beast will bury its droppings as any other animal would. Things like this will establish a bond between the gamer and the beast, furthering the goal of making the pseudo-griffin ally with the boy. Many of the elements make this an action-adventure or puzzle based game, but Ueda assures players that while these puzzles may be difficult, it is self-evident what needs to be done in order to progress further.  Unfortunately, both the Last Guardian and the remakes of ICO and Shadow of the Colossus have not been given certain dates other than “winter,” but it is safe to say that Team Ico is going to be very successful this year.


  1. [Fosters slur] Yakuza of the End has GOTY written all over it! [/Fosters slur]

  2. I was lead to believe that Australians regard Fosters like we regard Coors — something fit only to serve to gullible tourists.

    That said, I was comfortably underwhelmed by all of this. Yaaaawn.

  3. The reason the Capcom booth babe is making that face is because she has just learned that she is an ‘artist’ and no longer a ‘booth babe’.

    Aim high in Japan!

  4. I have that exact picture of Sephiroth and Col. Sanders on my computer, I like showing it to people and seeing there reactions.

    Wish I remember where I got it from.

  5. ………

    Well, that’s certainly getting us closer to the truth. Now what the hell does “lets take a dive” mean?

  6. The Gulf Oil Spill: We Fry Our Chicken in It! No wonder its so damn tasty!

    Julian wins a prize! You have won the knowledge of what the fuck that picture means. Congratulations!

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