News: Crappy MMO Week

Animu Michael Jackson
Yep, going to hell!

Status Effect: Flaming Hair 

Here in America, we love us some dead celebrities. All the power of their glorious name with none of the royalty checks, its win-win! This week, in an interview with USA Today, entertainment firm SEE Virtual Worlds detailed their plans to exploit one of the most exploitable celebrity names of all: Michael Jackson. He’s only been dead little over a year, but the California-based company thinks its not too soon to bring out an MMO in honor of the pop legend. The worlds based off of Jackson’s life as well as various songs including the popular Beat It and Thriller, so you too will be able to dance with zombies in red latex. The free-to-download game will also include many of the iconic items of Jackson’s life including the coveted rhinestone glove, though these extras will need to be bought. Of course, the company concedes that this endeavor has one huge wall to climb: Jackson’s checkered life, including holding his infant son out of a window and being charged with child molestation. Presumably, parents would not be very fond of letting their children run around in a potentially perverse Neverland, but producer Josh Gordon knows that they “are going to get a lot of people who are excited, and we are going to get people who criticize us. And we have just taken that as the way it is going to be.” Planet Michael is set to be released in 2011. 

FFXIV Mold Cup
Mmmm, fungus.

Now With More Plague! 

Did you pre-order the super special ultra fantastic Final Fantasy XIV Collector’s Edition? Then you should die, and Square-Enix knows it! For your manner of death, they have chosen fungus! Included in the pack is a metal tumbler with the Final Fantasy XIV logo across the faux-leather center, which many of their loyal Japanese customers found covered in mold. “How unfortunate,” you think, “but I can just wash it off first then use it!” But with what? In the enclosed care instructions is a warning that states, “do not fill the product with the following materials as they may cause damage: items including salt and solid materials, carbonated beverages, milk or other dairy beverages, fruit juices, etc.” ….Presumably you will only be drinking water? But I bet you are thinking “pre-order bonuses do not matter, I just want my great game!” Well you can expect to be sorely disappointed there as well. Japanese could be considered a difficult language to learn, what with having three different alphabets, but it is apparently so difficult that even the Japanese cannot write it properly! The hiragana for “bo” and “po” are very similar, but for such a major video game, one would think that the developers could get the two straight. Instead, we are left with such gems as “Chocopos,” “Physical Ponus,” and “Subbort Desk.” So you are thinking to yourself “good heavens! Who are the idiots that screwed this up so badly?!” Well go search for their names online, but do not read the credits. Why? Because it will generate error code 20524 and the only way of solving it is to reinstall the game entirely. Maybe dying of the fungal infection before playing the game is a good thing. 

Guild Wars 2 Humans
Shown: You and everyone at the office, now with a new way to not get work done!

 Addiction Ho! 

So you have given up on Final Fantasy XIV and you got banned from Planet Michael for making too many little boy jokes. What MMO will you play next? You need something immersive that will keep you occupied for hours. No, not just for hours, you want to be connected to your game all the time. Well now you can! NCSoft has announced that Guild Wars 2 will be released alongside apps for the iPad, iPhone, and Android devices that will allow you to stay connected to the rest of your friends and your guild on the go.  While players will not be able to play in the traditional sense, they will be able to interact with others via a two-way chat interface, guide them to quest locations, and acting as a lookout for any dynamic events that happen on the field while their friends play. Their tech director feels that players “shouldn’t be wondering what your friends are doing in-game; you should always be connected to them.” Just at the expensive of ignoring your real world friends, but what did they matter anyway?


  1. Is there still some sort of GameFAQs forum thing going on to try and get people to call Chocobos “horsebirds” or some nonsense? I’ve played quite a bit of FFXI, but FFXIV really doesn’t look appealing to me. I kind of got the feeling sometimes that Square-Enix hates its customers, so trying to kill them with infectious microorganism riddled drinkware seems oddly appropriate. Watch the thing become highly sought after now (in Japan).

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