Editorial: How to Survive a Convention Without Getting Stabbed

Howdy-do, Lusi-sprites.

You may have noticed that I neglected to write my post last week. This was due to the fact that, as they speculated on the last MAP, I was at a convention. It being my very first con, I tried to prepare myself for what was to come, and found Darth Lane’s previous post about midnight release party etiquette most helpful. I would like to, if I may, expand upon that with my own list of the dos and don’ts of conventions. So gather, ye unwashed nerdy masses, and heed me.

Be the “washed” masses, please!
As was mentioned on the last podcast, Blizzard recently chastised Blizzcon goers for having a body odour power level that was over 9000. Alas, gamers are notoriously lazy, and nothing short of violence or the promise of achievement points can motivate us. Perhaps it may help to view your personal grooming as a quest. You must go to the mythical drug store and gather the legendary personal care products. If you can unite the legendary soap, shampoo, wash cloth, deodorant, toothpaste and toothbrush you will be generously rewarded with the most sacred, most sought-after, most dare I say [epic] of prizes – social acceptance. You know you want it.

Costume and clothing both start with “C”, fancy that!
I suspect that a leading cause of “gamer funk” is the costumes that we like to wear to show our nerd pride. Let’s be real here, folks. After a few days of being jammed into a convention hall like so many sardines in a can, that outfit is going to be ripe. You would not wear the same jeans and t shirt every day, would you? (The correct answer is “no”, by the way) So why would you wear the same robe/armour/costume? Now a noob might suggest that you launder the costume, with soap and water and nifty things like that. I, however, am more realistic, and will just suggest you either wear the costume sparingly (saving it for certain events) or wear a costume that goes over your regular clothing (which you must change daily, remember)

You will be ninja'd for any violation
Your fat butt makes a better door than a window.
This may be my own 5’0″ bias speaking here, but for the love of all things sacred, if you are a big person, please be aware that you are the walking, breathing, fleshy equivalent of a solar eclipse. Your lard-infused derriere will block everyone’s view at a standing room only event. Do try to let us shorties stand in front of you. This also applies to normal people who choose to wear costume with huge helmets or wings or whatever. You make a better door than a window, as my mother would say. Move it or lose it, as I would say. Literally. If your costume, or big fat head is blocking my view, I will chop it off, if I can reach that high.

The real world still exists, and your light sabre is fake
As much fun as it is to geek out for a week or weekend, please remember that the real world still exists beyond the walls of the convention centre. While you do have the right to express your nerdy glory when you go outside, the general populace also reserves the right to mock you. Also while they do not have the right to, most people do have the ability to beat your nerdy ass up. Try not to annoy innocent bystanders by challenging them to duels in Klingon, or asking them what their gamer score is.

Enjoy riding the line ride!
Long lines and waits are facts of life at a convention. Like the Zombie Survival Guide says: Be Prepared! Bring a book, portable console, or some other quiet way to pass the time in an entertaining manner. As it is common practice to send ninjas after people who save places in line for friends who refuse to wait like everyone else, you should expect to spend a fair amount of time lining up to get a decent spot at the big panels or events. Seriously. If I catch you saving a spot for like, a dozen of your friends, I will stab you, and no jury will convict me.

6 comments

  1. Ginia threatening to kill me just because my butt is at her face level and smells like butt that hasn’t been washed for three weeks because I haven’t washed it for three weeks. So much hate. ;_;

  2. People should just launder their costume, with soap and water and nifty things like that.

  3. I have found a solution. I chopped evilpaul in half and am using his legs now. :)

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