News: Continued Stupidity

Demoman Treasure Hat
Demoman is disappoint.

People Spend Their Money on Stupid Crap

Analyst firm FADE estimated that in 2010, the much-beloved digital download retailer Steam made $970 million dollars last year, with an estimated $213 million in December alone. Valve only ranked third on on the estimates of top selling titles, with Left 4 Dead 2 taking in $36 million and $20 million from Portal. However, they  sold the most titles of all publishers, selling seven of the top ten titles when ordered for units sold. Unsurprisingly, they were bested by Activision’s cash cows, Call of Duty Black Ops and Modern Warfare 2, which took the top two spots on the ranking for pulling in well over $150 million including expansion packs. This and other first person shooters made up seven of the top ten best selling games on Steam, an interesting note to make of the direction of the industry.

If that was too subtle for you, let me explain a little more clearly: Halo bros and other casual gamers are strangling the industry with their prehensile cocks. As much as any associate is loathe to consider anything on Facebook a legitimate game, the numbers make it painfully clear that the point-and-click time wasters are where the money is at. Unlike traditional games, the sales of these social games are not tracked by the NPD, but in a study they did last year, it was found that approximately ten percent of Facebook users that play these abominations will stupidly spend their real money on them. Another study done by microtransaction company SocialGold found that the average player will spend about $55 USD. Taking into account the number of active monthly users, IGN was able to estimate that the only game to have more users or generate more income than CityVille and FarmVille would be Call of Duty Black Ops. That’s right, boys and girls, a bunch of juiced-up bros just barely outsold your mother, who still bought and played more than you. Suicide is the best option now.

PSP Underboob
The only way your PSP could be more distracting!

So Walk in Front of a Train

Now that you have decided that you should end your pitiful existence, you need to make your death say something. Something like, “I will not stand for gaming to be shat over! I will die playing real video games!” Or if you are like a small child in Italy, you will say something slightly less inspiration, like “derp.” Walking with his inattentive mother and sister, the child was too engrossed in his PSP to realize that the train platform was ending and fell on to the tracks. The instincts of 23-year-old Alessandro Micalizzi, an off-duty police officer, are to thank for the boy’s rescue as he jumped off the platform and scooped the boy back up, returning him to safety before jumping on the platform himself in time to catch his own train. He said that he only thought of the danger of what he’d done after bystanders began to clap and cheer for him. There is no word on the fate of the idiotic child or his PSP.

Jay Leno
He can play the Kinect with only his chin.

Cruel, Cruel Fate

So what if you are not paralyzingly stupid, but instead are paralyzed? Should such a handicap prevent you from playing the games you love? For a young man known only by his user name Gareth, such a disability does not keep him from what he enjoys. Unable to use his hands, Gareth puts on an impressive display in this YouTube video where he plays Fallout New Vegas with only his head and chin after extensive customization of the controls. However, not all games allow for such customization, rendering the money he spent on Dead Space 2 wasted. He has begun petitioning Electronic Arts to allow for more extensive customization, not only for himself, but for other players with disabilities. While a forum moderator on EA’s message boards said he would communicate the message along to higher-ups, no word has been heard back yet. Here is hoping that one day, we will be allowed to play a much wider variety of games with our less useful body parts.


  1. You’d think I could come up with a more innuendo-laced joke about you eating tacos, but I just can’t. Some subjects are too sacred to be turned into crude humor, like proper Mexican food.

    That said, does it really surprise anyone that pointless point-and-click time wasters are popular? They require almost no skill and have visible social rewards, two factors I argue weigh highly in most people’s enjoyment of games. They may not offer a deep and moving experience, but only people interested in games for games’ sake really care about that.

    Unless there’s some depth to Angry Birds I’m missing.

  2. Yeah, it’s easy to play and it’s simple, that’s all that a casual game really needs to be to be popular.

  3. Gaming is for the hale and whole of body, it is absurd demanding that developers waste money in order to made their games quadriplegic friendly.

  4. Wow, just watched the video, and…that’s impressive. It looks like all that he needed was a fully customizable control scheme, something that most games in this day and age really should have anyways.

  5. Looks like cripple got his way. Has the dumb shit never heard of Xpadder?!

  6. Good to see that game developers still listen. All PC games should have mappable controls anyways, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense not to have them.