News: Courting Controversy for Valentine’s Day

Emperor Bobby Kotick
Force-choking your wallet since 1991!

Bobby Kotick, Douchenozzle Extraordinaire

Activision’s lord and ruler Emperor Kotick sat down with CNBC this week to discuss, among other things, the demise of the Guitar Hero series. The primary question on everyone’s mind was “Why?” to which he predictably answered that it was not making enough money. Interest in the series has dwindled in the past few years, he admits due to repeating the same tired format over and over with no innovation, while the costs associated with licensing songs, converting them to game format, and promotion have all grown since they began the series. So where will the Emperor go next to feed his lust for money? Thanks to seeing the success of social gaming, Kotick says that they do intend to open themselves up to similar ideas like mobile apps and Zynga-like gaming, though he scoffs at the idea of Angry Birds, possibly out of jealousy that EA profited from the surprise hit and not him. Of course, he also made it very clear that he intends to milk Call of Duty for every pretty penny that the franchise is worth, hinting but not confirming that a subscription service may be in the works. Somewhere, Michael Pachter just orgasmed with the thought that he may have actually made a prediction that comes true. This wishy-washy statement comes on the heels of the announcement of Beachhead, a new development studio that will produce Call of Duty content and provide the same services as does for World of Warcraft players. Someone needs to teach Bobby how to be subtle.

Probably Noa Torigoe
I know I cannot play video games unless the room is cold enough.

Did Someone at say SUBTLETY?! BOOBS NOW!

I know my readers and what they want, so I provide you with anime tits every week. The developers of Killzone 3 have decided to do the same…no really, I mean exactly the same. Not just the catering to players interest, but the Japanese tits part too. For their localization of the game to the shores of glorious Nippon, Sony has recruited Noa Torigoe to star in their web campaign as the leader of the Helghast Faction, looking just as obsessed with Nazis as Japan always is. You might ask yourself why a porn star was chosen for the role, and the answer is one look at her blog. From reviews of Dragon Age Origins and Borderlands, to getting to level fifty in Call of Duty World at War in only two short weeks, this girl knows how to work a controller just as good as she knows how to work a cock. Unfortunately for Torigoe, the game she is promoting is on a PS3 and not her beloved 360, but she presumably does not have to work too hard to get a new system for the game.

Pantyshot Piplup
Better yet, what if Duke Nukem were a Pokemon?!

While We Are Objectifying Women

Who is our favorite role model on how women should be treated? No, its its not Nate ‘Bup’ Liles, women generally do not approve when you kiss them immediately after vomiting. Its Duke Nukem! Gearbox co-founder Randy Pitchford was presented with an unusual question this weeks: how will he respond to the inevitable feminist backlash to such a sexy game? He argues that despite his outward appearance, Duke is actually a big softie and quite fond of women.

Duke isn’t a misogynist. He isn’t. He is egocentric, and everything in his world revolves around him, but women can offer him something different than men can. So to Duke, if women are less to him, it’s not because they’re women – it’s because they’re not him.

Pitchford adds a bit of a weird element by briefly theorizing on what a female version of Nukem would be like, but he is presumably just as weirded out by that thought as we are and moved back on to the topic of feminist reaction. He feels that his audience would not be offended by the game’s content, but rather certain trolls will be the ones looking for the opportunity to use him as a basis for their vaginal tyranny. However, he is not phased by the trolls and even encourages their interest, saying “if there are feminists who want to use Duke to further the cause of women’s rights – go for it. … And if they need to abuse him a little bit to get more attention, hell yeah.” So there you have it, he will be kicking ass and chewing bubble gum, all while encouraging women to get out of the kitchen.

GLaDOS Valentine

This concept of ‘WUV’ confuses and infuriates us!

What are you doing this Valentine’s Day? Most of our readers are lonely and pathetic, and thus will be listening to the MAP because we are the only ones that love them, and we mostly do not love them either. But what if you are one of the lucky few that has a significant other? My first question is why are you still here? And my second question is have you given them a Portal-themed Valentine? Valve has made some cute Valentine’s cards featuring GLaDOS, Chell, and the blue personality sphere on their site that are as nerdy as they are adorable. Send one to your significant other today! Or drink some Jack Daniels while scrubbing your toilet. Either way, remember that hates you all.


  1. Heh, nice reference to an inside joke there.

    On the Duke Nukem issue, I have to say that Pitchford’s response was…well, very tactful. A character like that could be very controversial among the feminist community, so it’s good to see Pitchford acknowledging the whole idea. That being said, I expect Melissa McEwan to write a horribly scathing blog post about the game wherein she also bashes Penny Arcade.

  2. I hope Jim Sterling writes a follow-up article to his seminal ‘Fat Princess is blatantly better than Feminism’. ‘Duke Nukem is blatantly better than Feminism’ has a certain ring to it, and is certain to enrage.

    – I can’t wait for Kotick to completely ruin CoD, then we can all laugh at Oliver.

  3. Eventually, Activision will make enough terrible decisions that Kotick will be put on the chopping block and hopefully be replaced with someone who remotely cares about gaming as much as they care about money. Or Americans will prove to be even stupider than I thought and actually pay a ridiculous monthly fee to play their already overpriced CoD BlOps 2 : Afghani Assault Limited Edition, and the Emperor will cackle and strike me down with Force Lightning.