Editorial: The Great Trolls of Gaming

Greatest Troll of the 21st Century; Dead Space 2

(7) Pachter Trolls Gamers, Activision Trolls Pachter?

What is Michael ‘falsetto feltch‘ Pachter if not one of the gaming INDUSTRY’s most notoriously obnoxious trolls? Whether it is his constant assurances of a WiiHD, followed by his solemn prediction of Nintendo’s imminent downfall when one failed to materialise, or whether it be the religious fervour with which he prophesied a subscription model for Call of Duty. Well the joke may well be on him this time around as Dark Lord Kotick refused to deny that there were plans afoot to implement just that, unless of course Activision were just trolling Pachter. At any rate, Michael Pachter; we thank you for the lulz.

(6) Jim Sterling Trolls Angry Final Fantasy Fanboys

With the release of FFXIII, the worst game ever created, many people greeted it with a decicive ‘meh’, those people were not however professional reviewers. Marketing department pockets being intractably linked to Squeeeeenix wallets meant a dearth of honest and accurate reviews, which in turn meant that any reviewer with enough integrity to pen an accurate review of the game, courted the brunt of Squeeeeeeenix fanboy ire. Jim Sterling, never one to pull his punches, delivered a brutally honest review of FFXIII, and as always the people who disagreed with Sterling’s review screamed bloody murder, accusing Jim of being subject to ‘TEH BIAS’. In response to this the irrepressible Steling penned a completely objective review for Final Fantasy XIII, the results speak for themselves.

(5) Sega Trolls Jim Sterling

Buy Me a Yacht and Know Salvation!

It seems those hard working geniuses over at Sega’s marketing department have a troll/s amongst their ranks. Catching scent of like kind over at Destructoid, Sega’s marketing department took it upon themselves to troll master troll Jim Sterling. Things started out innocently enough with an artistic representation of Jim Sterling as a troll being tacked onto Destructoid’s review copy of Sonic Colours, things took a turn for the sinister however, when a mysterious package arrived at his place of residence, wherein it was revealed to be a full sized Sonic Colours expo banner!

(4) The Dickwolves clusterfuck

This is one troll which requires no further explanation on Lusipurr.com, and certainly no additional coverage on the interwebs. It is actually somewhat difficult to discern which party in this scuffle deserves the biggest troll salute; Penny Arcade with their sterling Dickwolves Tshirt gambit, or Melissa McEwan who finds evident enjoyment in her wallowing in confected victimisation, and who managed to coax several highly visible responses from A-list Internet celebrities which she was then able to funnel back into her TRUE AGENDA. It is all well and good to throw faeces, but it does you no credit when your adversary is a pig. At any rate, high grade trolling was conducted by both sides of the conflict, with Internet humour as ground zero.

(3) Jim Sterling Trolls Shakesville

Following a typically flatulent feminist fatwa issued by everyone’s knavourite churl who cried wolf, Melissa McEwan, against Fat Princess for casting dispersions against the obese (just imagine if the game also maligned bitter old cat ladies?), Jim “hero of the people” Sterling countered this with an impeccably reasoned riposte.

Despite the successful troll lulz generated by this crafty piece of satire, Jim Sterling seems to have come to the realization which has so eluded Gabe and Tycho; namely that any attempt to troll the attention whores of Shakesville is doomed to failure for the simple fact that they like it. When asked recently whether he planned to pen a follow up to his previous article when McEwan inevitably kicks up a stink about Duke Nukem Forever, Sterling replied:

No desire at the moment. Shakesville is an absolute joke that has done more damage to women than any videogame, with their endless squawking about non-issues that detracts attention away from real problems in the world. They do more to parody their cause than any Destructoid article could.

It’s become quite clear to me that most of these people simply thrive on attention. They’re not really offended by “sexist” material, they seem instead to enjoy and revel in the drama. When people stop paying attention to them, they try to keep the drama going by digging into someone’s previous work to find more things they can claim are sexist. It’s grasping and pathetic.

Why parody that? They’re their own worst enemy.

A Fine Selection of Literature

(2) EA/Visceral Troll Christian Fundamentalists, Lusipurr

Several months prior to the release of Visceral’s Dante’s Inferno, forums were abuzz with talk of the ridiculous spectacle provided by a rabble of fundamentalist Christians who descended upon E3 to protest against the game and its tagline; ‘go to hell’. The agenda of the protestors seemed so absurd as to defy credibility, but then this is Christian fundamentalists we’re talking about. Lending further weight to their veracity was the fact that this mob of miscreants came with their own website which looked like a relic from 1995, this all looked to be above board until one took a moment to reflect on the fact that the only substantial information contained on the website pertained to Dante’s Inferno and the planned EA protest. The protest was in fact illusory, this was actually a stunningly elaborate troll on the part of EA’s marketing department against both Christian fundamentalists and the gaming enthusiasts who were following the story. Some gamers were a little miffed, some gamers (myself included) thought it was a great joke, while the great majority of gamers were somewhat bemused.

EA/Visceral’s E3 exploits were impressive indeed, but this is merely the tip of the iceberg of this particular troll. you see while they might have pulled off an impressive troll against Christian groups and gaming enthusiasts, they pulled off a spectacular troll against our long suffering employer Lusipurr. By turning the man of letters Dante Alighieri into a hulking knuckle dragging barbarian, Visceral have made themselves an enemy for life.

I Wonder Where the Idea for Unitology Came From?

(1) EA/Visceral Troll Scientology

You might well think that trolling does not get more sophisticated than what EA’s marketing department were able to achieve with their fundamentalist protests, yet Visceral proved themselves aptly suited to go one better in the trolling stakes, pulling off a master troll that is almost breathtaking in its scope and commitment. To put it plainly; the Dead Space series is the most ambitious multimedia troll project ever to have been green-lit with a multi-million dollar budget. The series consists of the two core games, two prequel spin-off titles, and a large extended cannon including books and film. It is also a series dedicated to the singular task of trolling the absolute shit out of Scientology.

Visceral’s trolling effort in the original Dead Space was admirable, yet it is not the reason that the series was given top-billing as the greatest gaming troll of all time. Dead Space is centred around the cultish religion of Unitology, and there are many laugh out loud parallels which it draws with Scientology, yet there was still a sense of subtlety to the pillorying, one gets the impression that Visceral were being a little timid and reserved. The sequel Dead Space 2 is the escalation which really blows the lid off this AAA troll, fully detailing the economic structure and practices of the religion (i.e. Going the full Kotick on their believers), along with rendering the art and trappings of Scientology in beautiful HD. Unitology’s holy books bare the same dreadfully gaudy 1970’s science-fiction covers as Hubbard’s cannon, posters feature similar sorts of dead-eyed smiling models, the symbols and icons look an eerily close match, and even the advertising font used on signs and marketing is a perfect match to that employed by Scientology. The game establishes Unitology as a close and unflattering facsimile to Scientology, and then makes them responsible for the deaths of millions through their ignorance, greed and fervour. This is no longer a subtle troll, it has become blatant, and it is a small mercy that Scientology have not yet taken EA to court (in Britain). It is because of this high risk game that they are playing with the world’s most litigious religion that I must admire Visceral and EA’s balls of steel, for providing us with this wonderful troll.

Honourable Mention: NATE LILES!!!

What discussion on the topic of video game trolldom could ever be complete without mention of Lusipurr.com’s very own Birthday boy NATE ‘Bup’ LILES?! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATE!! :D

0 comments

  1. I agree unreservedly with Sterling’s comment about Shakesville, quoted above. For that reason, I refuse to even acknowledge the existence of that place anymore.

  2. Now she’s claiming that casually touching a woman without her prior approval is a denial of her consent and agency … … 50 years from now we’ll require written consent to be in the same room (and we’ll also probably have to wear some anti-rape apparatus).

  3. @SN: I’d hate to know what she’d think of professor clapping me on the shoulder.

    Oh right, I’m a guy, so I don’t count.

    Anyway, I’m sick of talking about that fat, stupid, bitch and her Hysteric Kingdom.

    Let’s move on.

  4. This wasn’t actually meant to be yet another Rapesville thread, but I couldn’t exactly make a trolling list and not write about them. The list was mostly prompted by the bitchslap that Visceral served to Scientology.

  5. OH, I JUST REMEMBERED BLIZZARD’S TROLLING OF DIABLO FANS WHO REFUSED TO COUNTENANCE COLOUR IN GAMES!! Those rainbow unicorn farts were fucking EPIC!