Editorial: Letters to the Editor

Dear and constant readers, we have a slight problem.

I know that I often say that I hate my readers, and believe me, I do. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to inflict pain upon them, to mock all that they hold dear, and to occasionally piss in their cheeri-os. Getting to do this is what makes Friday at noon special for me, because invariably I know that I will get little “comment-reply” e-mails that are usually: (1) Lusipurr kvetching about something; (2) the contrarian position from everyone else; and (3) Biggs trying to make me feel better by saying something nice. Thanks, but I lost my soul many years ago, Biggs! There is no heart left for you to warm.

Just kidding, Julian. Like you wear hats.
Is that a can of Fosters in your hand?

However, my favorite replies are the ones that do not get posted as comments, but rather get e-mailed directly to me (note: this does not actually happen). In the spirit of sharing, and because I am being lazy this week, here are some selections from my “Letters to the Editor” file. I have of course edited the atrocious spelling and grammar because, were I not to do such, Lusipurr might send his cane-toting smugleaflizard thing after me. That thing gives me nightmares.

Dear Asshole,

Oh this is going to be good already.

I heard what you said about Halo. Not cool, bro. Me and the bros like to chill and unwind after a hard day of business school classes by getting in an hour or two of maps. And yeah, we do use headshot kills, because we are not some pansy-ass noob who is afraid to step in to the arena! SIGMA DELTA CHI FOREVER!

I just googled “Sigma Delta Chi,” thinking I would be linked to some poorly-made fraternity webpage, complete with “rush information” and incriminating pictures of hazing. Alas, apparently Sigma Delta Chi is a fraternity for journalists, and since journalists live even more joyless existences than lawyers, they do not play games. Nice try, Mr. Thirteen-Year-Old. I am sure that you will be a fine legacy in whatever frat your father wormed his way through at State.

What else do I have in here?

OHAYO!!!!!!1!!

Great Odin’s ravens…

Lane-chan

HORK

You know you fucking said it.
Did someone say... weeaboo?

Why are you saying such mean things about Final Fantasy XIV? Sure, it is not like Rift or Warcraft or a fun online game where there are things to do, but none of those games lets you play as a catgirl! I mean, etou… what other reason do people have for playing games, desu ka? Or my little Miqo’te! She’s so cute! She’s a BLM, and I absolutely love to cast Firaga over everything! Anyway, I really think you should be nicer about Japanese games. If you say something nice about my anime club on your blog, I’ll send you some pocky! And not just the chocolate kind you find at your supermarket, real pocky from Amazon.co.jp!!!111 PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEONEGAISHIMASU read the slashfic I have attached. It is you and Oliver and Ethan, because you are all just so kawaiiiiii!!!!11 JAA MATA!!!

I cannot figure out how to scan the letter, but there are some poorly, poorly formed hiragana at the bottom that spells out… “Okeya.” Let me run to my bookshelf and get my Japanese-English dictionary… “barrel-maker?” That hardly makes sense. Wait…

A “cooper” is a barrel maker… Oh God… oh no… Quick! On to the next one before Rule 34 applies!

DEAR WINNER

This looks like a good one!

I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man.

Well, good for you!

So listen, I enjoy your little website here. Needs more tits, though. God I love those. Anyway, I’m a bitchin’ rockstar from Mars, and I need to find a way to relate to the little people, you know. Well, not little. You gamers are a fat, disgusting lot. You know what will clear that up? Cocaine. The point of this story is that I need to find a way to reach the gaming generation, and during my long, drug-fueled nights, I read your ideas about game design, and they touch something within me.

I am actually frightened.

Gaze into my eyes, Shawn. Give me a column on your site.
Why hello there, beautiful. I am a warlock.

It is that part deep down inside me, where the fear lives. You know that place? That pit at the center of infinity where you can stick your head in and it is like a million angry hornets crawling inside your ears and you just breath deeply of that earthy musk that is your soul and shout, “Yeah, I will kill God today!”

No. No I do not.

Help me reach my people, Lane. Help me forge them into a blade to thrust deep into the ungirded loins of society and withdraw its precious life fluids. Give me an army of gamers and I will give you the stars.

Hugs and kisses,
Charlie Sheen (Warlock)

I… I… I am done. That is it, no more for me today. I am crawling back in my hole and not coming out all weekend.

0 comments

  1. …..derp, it wouldn’t post and won’t let me delete >.<

    Herp and Derp

    Hopefully that will make your soul less dark and emo and Oliver-like!

  2. Once again, your fear of mages rears its ugly head. One can expect little less from an uncivilised, sword-waving meat-head, though.

    Perhaps one day you will learn to embrace ARCANE KNOWLEDGE for what it is: the summation of all human endeavour.

  3. Fear of magi? Nay, sir, I do not fear them.

    I loathe their weak and womanish ways, their aversion to armor, and their wands.

  4. …just so you know, the site has Google ads on it when viewed from an Android phone. The ad here on Lane’s post? Hazing lawyer.

  5. You realize, of course, that the simple feats “Armor Proficiency: Light” and “Arcane Armor Proficiency” are all a mage needs in order to sufficiently protect themselves with Chain Mail of the Mithral variety.

    Of course, if they cast spells with no somatic components, they can wear all the armor they want without consequence.

  6. What’ a man’s man like Slab Bulkhead doing defending those effete wand-waving nancy spellcasters? The real Slab Bulkhead would say go plate or go home.

    Signed,
    Big McLargehuge

  7. It would just so happen that I am a big fan of the Roleplaying Games.

    Sincerely,
    Dirk Hardpeck

  8. Well, there’s always Divine Magic. It’s like Arcane magic but none of that spell failure crap, so you can wear full plate and still be chucking spells and kicking butt in the name of your god. Whatever that god is.

  9. And a do-gooder paladin fan as well! Oooh look at me, I can detect evil! I’m such a pretty little divine princess *flounce flounce*

  10. What about Clerics? There are all sorts of fun evil clerics that can inflict wounds and create unholy armies of evil.

    Or druids. They can wear dragonscale plate. And turn into stuff. That’s cool.

    Or you could be a boring old fighter who just whacks stuff with a sword all day. “Ooh look at me, I can do the same thing over and over again and I put so many ranks into sword use that I never learned how to shoot a bow, so if someone shoots at me I have no idea what to do!”

  11. If someone shoots at me, I raise my shield. If I have no shield, then I charge them and bury my sword in their face.

    I have no use for weaklings that hide behind chants and cantrips; wizards and other arcanists find only trouble when they poke around in the great metaphysical dustbin of the universe.

    There is no danger that cannot be met with steel in hand.

  12. But, an Arcanist can already just Plane Shift to Valhalla, and he doesn’t even have to die!