Editorial: One-Off Comments On Gaming Derring-Do

Reading a Lane Column® is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes the reader gets in-depth analysis. Sometimes the reader gets crackpot theories. Sometimes the reader gets lots of little nuggets.

Wait, scratch that. That is nothing like a box of chocolates at all. If anything, it is like getting a box of gifts: a philosophy book, a link to infowars, and a plate of tapas, or as we Texans like to call it, Austin.

With that in mind, let us do a drive-by of some of the derring-do that has been flouncing around the world of games this week!

Square-Enix To Develop More Shitty Mobile Games

Square and I have a love-hate relationship when it comes to mobile games. On the one hand, I think Square could do some awesome ports of classic games, and re-do many of their 16-, 32-, and 64-bit RPGs for platforms like Android and the iPhone.

Dammit, Square...

Problem: touch-based controls really suck unless a lot of thought is put into them beforehand. Final Fantasy I and II, for example, are a little difficult to play. Anything with an on-screen joystick is likewise a pain in my ass. Until Apple comes out with a licensed gaming case with a directional pad or analog stick, pass.

So then I heard that Square is opening a terribly-named smartphone division. Yes, apparently when one thinks of ultra-portable smartphone games, one thinks of… a hippo eating the world. I do not get it.

Japanese Wunderkind Studio Xseed Does Something… Possibly Good?

Xseed wants to release a new Wizardry game. For those of you lucky enough not to have been alive during the 1980s, Wizardry is a series of… first-person-ish dungeon crawlers with horrible static interfaces, lots and lots of on-screen text to read, and generally worthless gameplay.

Admittedly, it is better than the 80s... but not by much.

Nevertheless, the screens look somewhat worthwhile, and I am a big fan of games being released only as digital downloads, so we will see where this one goes.

On the Lam in Buenos Aires

Or perhaps some undisclosed South American location. Evil anti-Sony Computer Entertainment of America villain GeoHotz is on the lam south of the Panama Canal.

How is Rio this time of year? Crime-ridden and scary?

What probably happened is the guy took a vacation, forgetting that he was under some serious legal heat. Which is unlikely, but hey, Sony is way mad and they think he is trying to prevent their access to evidence that they are entitled to. Not cool, Geohotz. If your cause is truly right, trust in the jury system.

SwagDog Creates WoW Hawaiian Shirts

There is really nothing else I can add. Hawaiian shirts are dumb enough on their own, but World of Warcraft-branded Hawaiian shirts are an abomination of Lovecraftian proportions.

Apparently A Crafty Hacker Stole a Bunch of Money From An Online Poker Site

I do not condone gambling, mostly because I am terribly unlucky and do not do well at games of chance or throwing lots or any of that stuff. So I avoid it and call it morality.

Zynga Poker
This is not a common scene at many casinos.

Still, a little schadenfreude never hurt anyone, so I cannot help but smile a little when I see something like this. It is doubly cool, because they caught they guy and he will be serving time in jail, because he stole the accounts of two users. Crime does not pay, I am afraid! Everyone wins in this story.

That is it for me this week! Everyone have a wonderful Friday and weekend!


  1. -The digital controls in Chaos Rings were really well done, so SE can get it right on occasion. The digital controls in the Double Dragon remake were also wonderful, so smartphone controls can be done right, though sadly the success stories are the exception rather than the rule.

    -U MAD, SONY? 8D

  2. – I liked that Wizardry game made/published by Atlus on the PS2. It wasn’t mindblowing or anything, but it was a decent dungeon crawler.

    – I get the feeling that GeoHotz probably didn’t release anything technically illegal, but was talking with people via email about pirating games or something that would make him look bad. Or has loads of copied/downloaded PS3 games on a HDD. Sony seems to be doing the standard “bludgeon those smaller than you to death with the DMCA” thing for daring to displease it.

    I don’t put much faith in juries. They exempt lawyers, doctors, and other educated people who might know the law. The result is that they’re made up of only the stupid/poor bastards who couldn’t get out of going. And they then either poorly inform them or lie by omission.

    I sufferred the grave misfortune of doing jury duty once, and in retrospect would have preferred to spend a few days in jail instead. I’m not saying spending three and a half hours in a 100+ degree room with 150 other assholes and nonexistant ventilation is unpleasant…I’m sure slave laborers working in Foxconn factories would be quite comfortable. It just isn’t my thing, and I’d have to lie my ass off to actually get on a jury anyway.