News: Kids Tired of Being Bullied Offered Chance To Face Their Tormenters

4 April, 2011

It gets better, anti-bullying activists say, but recently, some of the bullied have taken to turning the tables on the bullies.

While luminaries of such degenerate and nerdy arts as gaming webcomics to Wild West BB-gun enthusiasts celebrating the achievements of kids that have taken one noogie too many, those who make a living off of hand-to-hand combat are finally joining the action.

You want MY lunch money?
Frank Shamrock: also a victim of bullying

Four-time mixed martial arts champion Frank Shamrock is but the latest to hop on the trend, following an incidence of bullying by Ultimate Fighting Competition founder Dana White.

White, in response, has said the following: “Mr. Shamrock is entirely correct, and I regret that I was so harsh with him. As a gesture of goodwill, I have decided to form a new fighting league, BvB, or ‘Bullied Versus Bullies.’ I hope that this league will encourage people that have been picked on, harassed, given swirlies, purple nurples, wet willies, Texas chili bowls, or Reno wrangles to fight back against their oppressors. Power to the picked-on proletariat!”

White went on to explain that if a picked-on child applies and is approved by White’s committee of top fighters, a team of expertly-trained ninja will swoop down upon the unsuspecting bully’s household, neutralize his parents with a potent but temporary paralyzing toxin, and then abduct the bully. The bully will be taken to a remote wilderness fastness, guarded at all times by highly-efficient killers. The bully will be starved, beaten on the hour, every hour, and occasionally hunted by roving packs of wild wolves.

Motherfuckin' wolves.
Wolves' diet consists of two parts bullies to one part cute, cuddly deer.

The once-victim, on the other hand, will be taken by White to a superior training facility for the next six weeks, and put the bullied through an intense mixed martial arts training program including instruction in may thai boxing, Brazilian jiujutsu, judo, and Tibetian lama wrestling. Once he has turned the putative victim into the ultimate champion, the bully will be returned from his haranguing ordeal to face his one-time target in single combat, televised live on pay-per-view.

“We totally expect a positive response from the public,” White said, adding that he will allow Shamrock one good hit as part of the opening ceremonies.

Predictably, Wuss Johnson, head of Pacifism International, has decried the move as simply begetting the cycle of violence. Known anti-gaming canard J. Bruce Thompson has joined Johnson’s protest, calling the anti-bullying fights nothing more than a violence simulator meant to train bullies’ victims to be physically fit, well-trained athletes that totally will not give up their lunch money.

The Florida State Bar released a terse statement, remarking on the idiocy of noted bully J. Bruce Thompson, a man that makes his living making nonsensical, bullying threats to people should defending bullies against what they have got coming to them.

Kenya? Bitch, I was born in Chiba!
Barack Obama. Lawyer. President. Ninja.

President Barack Obama had this to say when contacted. “Well, uh,” he said, beginning with his characteristic smile. “What we have to realize here is, uh, that bullies are just the worst kind of people. And there is literally, uh, nowhere they can hide from the ninja squads that I will personally command. That’s right, bitches. I’m a fucking ninja.”

President Obama then challenged John Boehner and Newt Gingrich to single combat, but both men declined, citing the fact that they are unhealthy slobs while President Obama is, in his own words, “a fucking ninja.”

The staff contributed to this Associated Press report.


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