News: Candy Versus Jesus

Happy Easter, citizens of! Have you stapled your savior to some wood and celebrated with sugar-coated marshmallows? No? Why not?!

Cadbury Cream WAT
Cadbury tastes like anime loli chocolate abortion!

While we are talking about the Zombie Jesus, what video game franchises experienced a rebirth this week? As I already blathered on and on about last week, Portal 2 was released a few hours ahead of scheduled thanks to some potato-themed gaming. Considered all the rabid fanboys/girls we have working here, expect a review where we ejaculate glorious praise within the coming weeks. We are definitely not the only ones in love with Valve’s latest title; estimates put day one sales over 675,000. In addition, the highly anticipated remake of Mortal Kombat had a midnight release on Tuesday, except for in Australia because Julian’s people are too drunk to tolerate spine-punching violence. While the reboot of the classic fighting game did not sell as well as Portal 2, it still earned fourth place on the top ten games sold this week.

Both games have excellent multi-player features, so hopefully, you bought either game for your 360 or PC. Sure, they both have PS3 versions, but you better not be looking forward to the internet for a while. For the past week, PSN has been down, meaning all those people looking to play Portal 2, Mortal Kombat, or any other multi-player game have been left lonelier than a loser with a broken masturbating hand. Sony gives no indication as to when they will be back online, with each day bringing another “we will have it up in two to three days” statement. One reporter contacted Sony’s support line and was told by a representative that no personal information was leaked, and while the operator was confident enough to give his name and ID# to the caller, that is still no complete assurance that information was stolen.

Jesus on an Arceus
God knows you skipped church for Pokemon, Lusipurr. He knows.

So what actually did happen? No one is really entirely sure. Sony admitted that there was a security breach, but says nothing personal was taken. So the criminal broken into the shop just to look at the good and walk out? Assuming Sony is being truthful, then who is this obviously retarded criminal? Again, we really are not sure. The primary suspect is the internet’s famous Anonymous, but AnonOps denies any involvement. Of course, this must be taken with a grain of salt; they may worship their ‘Anon is legion’ ideas, but with no central network or cohesive group, the attack on PSN could have been perpetrated by any individual or small cluster of Anontards. As the prosecution of hacker George Hotz continues, Anonymous continues to make threats against Sony for their grave misdeed of trying to keep industry secrets private, increasing the likelihood that the PSN attack was an act of Anon, but with both sides keeping mum, it is impossible to tell. Maybe when PSN is back up, Sony will give an explanation. Keep hoping.

Hopefully, PSN will be up before this summer for all out otaku readers, as Kadowaka Shoten has released details for a new PSP game coming out. Based off the manga and currently running anime Nichijou, the game has players acting as a television producer for Galaxy TV. Your job is to throw whatever crazy antic possible at a group of high schoolers, whatever you feel would bring in the highest ratings. Sony has over two months to repair PSN in time for this gem of weeaboo bullshit to release in Japan on July 28th. Shut up, I have a loli with a bazooka.Loli bazooka


  1. A few days ago, Anonymous (or some members of it) admitted, via their Facebook page, that the PSN outage is their doing.

    It is not something being done by every member (but when has anything they’ve done met those requirements?). In fact, the statement carried with it an apology to other members of Anonymous who might be upset by the sudden volte-face.

  2. I might have no truck with this Christianity business, but I fucking love the holidays.

    -Also, Hotz is no longer being prosecuted (but others still are).

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