[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDJf83rmYMI&feature=related]There is a well know saying that you can tell much about an individual by the pets they keep, and I feel there is an element of truth to this. But how does one go about selecting the right animal to become a member of the household? In times past we would weigh them on their relative merits before exercising equal parts intuition and blind luck to arrive at a decision. Recently however I have stumbled upon a method for calibrating the optimum compatibility quotient between owner and pet, the means of which is empirically backed and rigorously tested on hobos. More specifically it is my observation that the owner-pet compatibility quotient can be derived from longstanding console brand purchase intent X uncritical fanboyism, a calculation representing maximum potential wuv as extrapolated from console brand loyalty. Without further preamble I shall outline the scientifically robust pet recommendations in the sections bellow, to help take the difficulty out of choosing your next family member.
Overview: Cats are cold and vindictive creatures, mercenary to a fault; their loyalty only extends to their next meal. Felines are generally content to spend the majority of their days quietly purring in the corner, yet when their hour of repast draws neigh they are wont to transform into a menace of mass distraction, interrupting whatever noble pursuit one is in the midst of until such a time as you have performed to their satisfaction (like so many system updates). It is also important to note that Kitties cannot connect online at this time.
Verdict: Due to the features outlined above the common cat can only be recommended for the owners of Sony’s big, black, beastly brick; the PS3. Who else but the owners of Sony products are grown accustomed to such smug feline satisfaction? Who else is used to jumping through such arbitrary hoops on another’s whim? Who else can tolerate such catty vindictiveness? PS3 owners are custom built to withstand such cold feline regard.
Overview: Dogs are dumb as shit. When they’re not actively farting or trying to lick you, they can generally be found eating their own vomit, sniffing faeces, and pissing everywhere. A further mark against the dubious character of the common Dog is their incessant yapping, which frequently drowns out all else in near proximity. The Dog’s one redeeming quality is often held to be their much lauded loyalty; yet this is often just further proof of their legendary stupidity, returning time and again to the master that mistreats them, tolerating circumstances when any Cat worth its salt would have just buggered off.
Verdict: Dog owners must as a rule enjoy stupidity and inconvenience. That is why Dogs provide the perfect boon companion for Xbox 360 owners, who are similarly afflicted with blind loyalty, eager as they are to purchase and repurchase their console of choice every time it blows up. 360 owners are a simple sort, and as such require the simple unwavering loyalty inherent in dogs, as their guileless credulity could see them brought low by a more intelligent creature. What 360 owners really need is a stalwart friend, someone to unquestionably share in the good times (and the bad), someone to pick them up when they are hurt, and someone to lick the peanut butter from their testicles when they are requesting naked photos from the girl they just encountered on XBL. All these reasons and more are why the humble Dog comes as highly recommended for any owner of an Xbox product.
[Note: for maximum console/pet compatibility synthesis owners should require their Doggies to have a near terminal bill of health, for genuine brand-name disappointment]
Overview: What is the pet to have when you’re not having a pet? The goldfish of course! A creature that is more furniture than anything else; fine to show to friends while you pretend to give a shit, but not something that you can do anything with, and certainly not something to evoke any kind of commitment. Goldfish are cheap to buy, cheap to feed and utterly disposable; a fact which comes in more than useful seeing as one can easily forget for weeks at a time that it is even there.
Verdict: What is the console to get when you’re not having a console? The Wii of course! Wii owners are not interested in having immersive experiences, substantial experiences, or any experiences at all really. Their console of choice is nothing so much as a lounge-room affectation, purchased from a catalogue at the recommendation of an acquaintance to prevent the DVD player from looking so lonely. So then, what pet does one acquire to complete the vapid conceit of having a meaningful existence? The Goldfish of course, obviously. The creature will never shed hair through the house, nor gnaw on one’s too many pairs of shoes, it merely requires a couple of pinches of food a day, and the occasional change of water. One can even flush it if it all becomes a little too difficult, just the thing for a modern disposable life.
Overview: The Dodo was useless as shit and now it’s dead.
Verdict: Can you see where I’m going with this, Ethan?