News: Apology Accepted?

Sony Bowing
Srs bzns, u gais.

If you are one of the many fans who come to for its vast quantities of weeaboo bullshit, then you probably know a little bit about Japanese culture and humility. If you know nothing about Japan, let me enlighten your ignorant mind: bowing is srs bzns. So when Sony’s second-in-command, Kazuo Hirai, along with three other high-ranking executives bowed for a full seven seconds at their PSN press conference Sunday morning, it was kind of a big deal. The group expressed their sincere apologies for the hacking of personal information and the fallout we have seen the past two weeks, going on to detail how they would make things right. Hirai stressed that regaining customer trust was their primary concern, also explaining that the delay in holding such a conference was to make sure that they were able to give users the full story.

So when is the PlayStation Network coming back online? Starting this week, certain features will be restored, which I feel obligated to tell you the most important of which will be account management. Claims of large charges being made to customer banks or credit cards have been floating around the internet, and while they are unsubstantiated and could simply be lies, it is always worth the users’ time and effort to update account information, including a change of password and financial information. But you probably do not care about security, you just want PSN up again so you can play! Online game play will be restored for the PS3 and PSP along with chat functionality and access to your friends list, and Playstation Home will also be made available. However, as part of the attack allowed hackers unlimited access to the store, this will not be made available. Sony makes no promises regarding when the PlayStation Store will reopen, only that they hope to have PSN fully functional again by the end of the month.

Panty Stocking Police
Securing your information! Or your pants, whatever.

But what about the future of PSN? What about Anonymous? Hirai does address that Anon is still on Sony’s radar and they are aware that an attack on could happen again. As such, they have created a new position as Chief Information Security Officer, a job entailing responsibility for customers’ personal information in times of crisis and the proactive implementation of new security measures. Their new measures seem pretty standard, with new firewalls, more encryption, and tracking unusual or suspect network activity on the list of things being done. Sony’s plans for the future also include a “Welcome Back” program for their users; as PSN features come back online, users will receive a free month of PlayStation Plus service as well as certain region-specific entertainment for free to be announced by each region as the time comes.

Loli Arthas
Lich Loli demands allegiance!

So who else came back from the dead this week? A loli from New Mexico, that’s who! Why the piss do we care? Because it was for WUV. A twelve-year-old girl wrote a suicide note and faked her own death this week after her parents forbade her from dating the boy she had met while playing World of Warcraft. What was so wrong with TRU WUV? Her paladin in shining armor was an eighteen-year-old man living a few states over in Idaho. After their initial plans to meet were thwarted, the girl left the note and fled with her boyfriend to an abandoned home near where his grandparents lived. Their tryst ended when the police came knocking on pedo-paladin’s door, arresting him for child enticement and transporting a minor, but because both parties said the meeting was only ‘romantic’ but not sexual, he does not currently face charges for his child touch ways. The girl was sent home to her parents, where we can only hope she was banned from the internet forever for having done goofed.

Kanye West 'Graduation' Art
This is the man's album art, OF COURSE his game would be fucking weird.

Has anyone else this week learned that the consequences will never be same? What about bootylicious Beyoncé! The pop diva will soon be in New York district court facing a lawsuit from Gate Five, a video game development company that seeks damages around $100 million USD. The suit alleges that Beyoncé entered a contract with their company to produce a motion-based dance game, presumably for the Kinect, called Starpower: Beyoncé, but late last year, the star made significant, extortionate changes to her terms and when the company could not comply, she dropped the project entirely, leaving seventy people without jobs at Christmas. Its okay though, I am certain Gate Five could humor another Hollywood star’s desire to be in a video game! Nintendo recently panned a request from egocentric rapper Kanye West to create a game for the Wii, but he is is reportedly still shopping the idea around. Not a singing or dancing game as most celebrity games are, Kanye’s game is said to involve “intercourse with a hippogryff while West rides on top of it, shooting a handgun at Paparazzi as he sails into the sun”, “a mini-game where you paint strippers with latex and then chain them to a statute of Andy Warhol” and “all of this is to find where Al Qaeda hid Taylor Swift and save her precious, white life.” Sadly, this ridiculous abomination is not the first attempt of Mr. West’s in the video game industry. A 2009 interview revealed that he was a bit of a perverted programming geek as a loli; while other twelve-year-olds were busy faking their deaths, he was creating a Super Mario Bros. style game where the user played a giant penis with cute little eyes, fighting ghost vaginas. Yes, exactly.

Companion Cube, Turret, Cake

Now I know that last paragraph was enough to make you never want to play video games again, but there is still good in the world, and its name is Valve! First and always more important, HATS! If you pre-order Mount & Blade with Fire & Sword before May 3rd, you can receive two additional hats for Team Fortress 2, one for the Spy and one for the Engineer. Robin Walker also encourages you to play SpaceChem, which now features a TF2-based level where you can go to Australia and learn to craft the mysterious Moustachium. The other good news from Valve this week is the announcement of much anticipated Portal 2 DLC! The DLC will include new levels, leaderboards, and the challenge modes we came to love from the first Portal. While their announcement does not indicate whether Summer 2011 means on regular time or Valve time, they assure players that whenever it comes out, it will be free to all users. Portal! SPACE! Industry!!


  1. Free DLC from Valve only serves to drive home the fact that VALVE IS AWESOME. Long may they endure as a bastion of hope for gamers everywhere!

  2. Is that loli… Frostmourne?

    Who else but Jenifer!? *applause*


  3. @Emmori Hey, Arthas got a shitton more followers than Deathwing’s got, through tactics like that. Just sayin’.

    @Biggs Funny how TRU WUV and statutory rape happen together all too often, eh? I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

  4. If the guy was Horde then he totally would have been caught mid-coitus with the little girl! It’s SCIENCE!

  5. I’m not so sure the girl’s entirely innocent (in this case). I mean, she didn’t just go meet this guy somewhere. She faked her own death hoping that he’d sweep her off her feet away to somewhere. If anything, the girl’s the devious one, and the guy’s just a complete idiot.

    3:1 odds say she said she was 18.

    “I’m older than I look! And sound! Don’t let my underdeveloped body fool you!”

  6. @SiliconNoob When one is very, very desperate, I assume one is willing to believe anything.

  7. I defer to your superior weaboo experience … But he should have just gone with the love pillow.

  8. Slab is not a weeaboo. Jenifer, RBK and I are the go-to weeaboos. Slab is the go-to for Futurama references.

  9. Sorry, I tend to think of you, Deimosion, RBK and Biggs as the weaboo coalition, I know that one of you isn’t a weaboo, but I can just never remember who it is … :/

  10. @SiliconNoob Just because someone lives with a weeaboo, doesn’t mean they too are a weeaboo.

  11. @SN The only anime I’ve ever watched were DB/DBZ, Death Note, a few episodes of Inuyasha, and a couple clips from whatever Dan might have had on his TV at any given time. I am of the opinion that Japan, like any country, has things about it that are better than the United States, and things about it that are worse, and I do not specify that any one country is better than another, except that the United States has me, and that puts them slightly ahead of Japan.

  12. It’s easy to mix him up with us, since he DOES live with me.

    Also I agree Slab, some things about the U.S. are better, especially the position of women in this country compared to Japan. Also in America, it’s possible to ride a train without getting molested, so there’s that.

  13. But that’s like shaking hands in japan, if you want to make a good first impression, then you have to fondle a girl while she cries!

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