Editorial: What if SkyNet Were One of Us?

Just a fool like one of us? Just a gamer on a bus…

Well, that was awful. My sincerest apologies.
Anyway, to the point of this post.

Evil Empire Microsoft bought Skype, better known as the world’s most useless VOIP program that for some reason Lusipurr insists on using to record our legendary podcasts. What this means is that now any time one of us says “PS3” on the podcast, Bill Gates is going to pop in and say, “Hey, remember when the PSN was up? Neither do I!”

But more troubling is the dark prophecy uttered by James I of Cameron, that a virtual worldwide computer network SkyNet will soon unleash unholy hell upon us all, and somehow summon up a robot army to destroy all organic life for some reason… who knows? Robots are fucking scary, people!

Anyway, Cameron is kind of a weirdo with a fetish for vaguely racist blue-skinned cat-people, so of course he forgot that technology is managed by incompetent boobs, like Kevin Butler, who still cannot figure out how to reboot PSN servers after a month. Flip the switch off and back on, you frat-boy gutterslime!

Arnold Schwarzenegger In A Swimsuit
GET TO DA CHOPPA, BIG BOY

So what if SkyNet were real and not the diseased dream of a guy that decided that the world needed not one but two evil robot movies staring former homosexual porn star and governator of Kalifohrneeuh Arnold Schwarzenegger (WARNING: We here at Lusipurr.com strive for a family-friendly environment. Unfortunately, that family is the family in all of those Aristocrats! jokes, so discerning readers should probably not click the Schwarzenegger link at work, school, mosque, synagogue, church, temple, Satanic coven, or library!), it would be managed by the gormless schmucks that run our current technology companies, and we would all likely survive. Here is why!

Microsoft

If Microsoft ran SkyNet, every Terminator would have glowing neon green eyes, be made of ugly matte black and off-white plastic, and kill their victims by the ungodly heat that radiates off their separate power-units. Because Microsoft makes terrible decisions, they will not include any high-capacity magazines, and if they are not powered down every night, they will start to run slowly until they eventually crash with the dreaded “blue eye-screen of death.” That is, if the first virus released into the wild by some typhoid cyber-mary does not cripple them first.

Sony

What, can Sony products even get online any more? Hell, at this point, I might welcome robot overlords if it meant that my PS3 became something more than an expensive and clunky-looking BluRay player. The one consolation of a Sony-SkyNet future would be that John Connor (and not the wussy 12-year-old version, the Christian Bale version) would shoot robots that looked like Kevin Butler, and that makes me happy.

Kevin Butler With Move Controller
In apology for the PSN outage, I shall now shove this in my nose. SIGMA DELTA CHI FOREVER!

Nintendo

In a rare move, this is the only future in which humanity wins outright. Because Nintendo is incapable of creating anything even vaguely menacing, all Nintendo Terminators would be made of obsolete technology, but covered in non-threatening gray, white and purple rounded plastic. And because they are uniquely Japanese, these robots would be rather helpful and do things like assist old ladies across the street and grope underage children on the subway.

Because that is how Japan rolls, Lusibots. They would probably also transform or combine somehow and defeat evil space demons, after which Ultraman would show up while riding a giant lizard monster that for some reason has to fight a giant moth. Because Japan.

Apple

Finally, what about those hipster schmucks that used to employ me? Yes, that is right, I used to be a Mac Genius. Wanna fight about it?

The iMinator, as it would be known, would be only six microns thick, contain a touch-screen interface that would allow the user to select any of a number of brightly-colored icons that would inflict any number of slow and painful deaths upon users. Fortunately for humanity, simply by gripping the iHeel of the robot in the patented “Death Grip,” people could cause it to lose connection with the mother ship or whatever and stop the robot revolution before it got off the ground.

Google

Honestly, who cares? Google is a software company.

Valve

Why resist? FREE HATS FOR EVERYBODY! Yay!

9 comments

  1. I fully approve of Valve’s Gabe Newell Terminators. They would all be too morbidly obese to hurt anyone AND would have the Turret voice! So adorable! <3

  2. Only you, Lusipurr, would fail to get the pop culture reference.

  3. @Lane: I didn’t even mention that you capitalised the conjunction if and the preposition of!

  4. @EP It’s conspiring to develop into its fully evolved state, the Pluperfect Subjunctive, at which point it will be able to defeat even Goku!

  5. @SB: I don’t know what I hate more… your post or the fact that I understood it.

  6. @Lane It was the fact that you understood it. It means you hate a part of yourself, which is far worse than hating another lusipurr.com staff member.

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