News: Always Say Never

I am going to Photoshop hell.
Moe moe kyun!!

Never Bet on Duke
After the reviews we have seen in the past few days following the release of the highly-anticipated Duke Nukem Forever, you would not be faulted for thinking that the developers are hanging their heads in shame right now. However, you could not be more wrong. Gearbox boss Randy Pitchford took a page from the book of Kotick and bragged about his game sales on Twitter, saying “With sales data, it seems like *customers* love Duke. I guess sometimes we want greasy hamburgers instead of caviar.” What Pitchford conveniently ignores is that buying the game is not entirely the same as actually liking the game. Backing him up is the voice of Duke, Jon St. Jon, who in addition to having a hilarious name, responded to critics, “Duke … freakin ROCKS! Lots of action, lots of fun, sexy, funny, irreverent… It’s everything I hoped it would be.” The game has been critically panned since its release, receiving a pitiful 57/100 on Metacritic, 3/10 from Eurogamer, Edge, and Gamespot, the highest score a 8/10 at PCGamer.

And this is my medal for being a tremendous asshat.
Two seconds of quality entertainment! Oscar please!

Never Enough Money for Bobby
We all imagine Activision CEO Bobby Kotick as a kind of Scrooge McDuck with a uneasy smile and bad hair, perched atop a throne made of the bejeweled, gold-plated skulls of his former enemies, content to command his peons to work slavishly for him, exhausted simply by the effort of raising his finger to force-choke them. But Kotick has proven this week that he actually gets up and does real work! On video games, right? Nope! Instead, he is playing a role he was born to play in Brad Pitt’s new movie Moneyball, portraying a stingy CEO unwilling to lend money to Pitt’s character to fund his baseball team. So far, his only line is, “find players with the money we do have,” which we can only assume is what he tells all of his game developers as they try desperately to create a video game with what they found under the couch cushions. You can view distinguished actor Robert Kotick’s debut here on Youtube, where the comments foresee the future: “the ending will be DLC.”

The bride's face as a toilet seat, how vulgar.
Drip drip drip.

Never Weird Enough for Japan
While you are already in YouTube mode (stop looking at videos of kittens!), it may be of interest to stop by Japan and say hello to Sega’s newest innovation in gaming. The Wii U has nothing on the unnamed system, designed for use in the male restroom. A sensor is attached above the urinal, measuring the speed at which urine is passed and, based on duration, calculating the volume of urine made. The game progresses according to the speed of the urine, and Sega is currently developing a method for players to compete against other players who have played before. The developer present at the display at Digital Signage boasts that this is the first game to be made to be played without their hands or fingers, musing that the LCD screen could be used in establishments to advertise their wares after the user is done playing the game. He goes so far as to paint a disturbing picture; imagine your wedding reception at a restaurant with these equipped where, as users pee, they see happy smiling pictures of you and your betrothed together on the screen. The people at Sega have lost their minds.


  1. Emperor Kotick, now a movie star. Is there any field he hasn’t tapped?

  2. If other movie stars are any indication, he will soon be releasing a music CD, a cologne, a clothing line, and a personal blog where he attempts to be insightful and prove he’s “regular like the rest of us” but just comes off as a condescending twat.

  3. I kind of get the impression that DNF is pretty bad, but being unfairly maligned anyway by much of the press if that makes any sense. Like it is a boring, generic walk down the coridor shooting things between cutscenes shooter (NOW WITH EXTREME SEXISM!!), but so are games like Call of Duty that get 5/5 stars and 8-10/10 scores. Press praise for CoD’s pants-on-head retarded story is pretty amazing.

    I guess what I’m saying is Call of Duty is the Final Fantasy II to Duke Nukem Forever‘s Legend of Legaia. Both are bad, one’s worse, and the enthusiast press are heaping praise on pile of shit A while heaping more shit on pile of shit B. I guess their feelings were hurt by the more public blacklist threatening than usual?

    I’d like to see Oliver play DNF and hear what he has to say on a guest appearance of whatever the new name of the podcast was. Muwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

  4. Duke as Mio…why, Jenifer?

    Also, are people surprised that DNF is a shitty game? The premise is not very good, and the gameplay has never looked like anything more than a mediocre shooter.

  5. For each year that a game spends in development beyond four years the game quality will get incrementally worse; DNF was in development a full decade beyond this tipping point – do the math.

    That said, I don’t entirely trust the game media on this though. I think it may merely be mediocre, when they’ve labelled it an abomination.

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