News: Dancing, Derping, and Breaking the Everything

The only 'grandma kinect' search result is the Rise of Nightmares commercial and it is excellent, go look it up.
Knitting is for punks.

Breakdancing Grandpa

Getting old sucks; as our bodies age, they seem to regress back to our infant years, complete with falling down, running into things, and having no idea what’s going on. As infants, the solution is easy: mommy and daddy are always close by to make sure baby’s chubby diaper-clad butt is safe. But as senior citizens, there is no parental monitoring system. Many families solve this problem with sending grandpa away to an assisting living facility or nursing home, but this is still far from ideal. Mommy and daddy are two people to one baby, while a facility might have a dozen staff to a hundred residents. How in the world can all these elderly be monitored to make sure they are safe?

With the Kinect, of course! University of Missouri’s Marjorie Skubic, a professor of electrical and computer engineering, and her doctoral student Erik Stone have worked together with the Xbox 360 peripheral to develop a better monitoring system. In the past, both the seniors and their families complained that conventional closed-circuit camera systems undermined the privacy of the facility’s clientele, but the Kinect does not use video, instead focusing on specific points of the player’s body. This renders the elderly person being monitored as just a silhouette, affording them the privacy they desire while still allowing on-site health faculty as well as their personal doctors to review the data for any signs of developing disease, heightened fall risk or frequency, or any other significant behaviors. The UM School of Medicine is also working on a similar system using Doppler radar, and both projects were awarded for their efforts at the Pervasive Health Conference in Dublin, Ireland.

Unless they do the TF2 version. 'Babyman' is acceptable.
Even Bieber knows this is bad.

Breaking Dancing

It is no secret that the staff all have a soft spot in their hearts for Dance Dance Revolution, even stuffy old Grandpa Lusipurr, who hates anything made after the end of the 19th Century. But with Konami’s next offering, that love may have to be questioned. Released this week was a partial song list for the upcoming Dance Dance Revolution II and more than a few are left scratching their heads. Here are just a few of their curious decisions:

Whip My Hair, Willow Smith
Only Girl (In The World), Rihanna
Baby ft. Ludacris, Justin Bieber
Just The Way You Are, Bruno Mars
Can’t Be Tamed, Miley Cyrus
Beautiful Monster, Ne-Yo
Spice Up Your Life, Spice Girls
IN MY HEAD, Jason Derülo

With guest appearance by Vanilla Ice! Nothing says quality like a weird old rapper from the early 1990’s! Dance Dance Revolution II, a Wii exclusive, will be available 11 October 2011.

Wait, does this mean the future is sterile?
How is last babby formed?

Breaking Time and Space

Final Fantasy VIII is not known for having the best plot in the Final Fantasy series. Ridiculous time compression, sorceresses jumping through space, nightmares of your romantically-inept father…not much of that sounds any good. But we know from the past that Square-Enix is not completely incompetent when it comes to time travel; Chrono Trigger is heralded as a masterpiece among games that utilize a time travel mechanic. While it is not off to a good start, the upcoming Final Fantasy XIII-2 was revealed to be Square’s next attempt with the tricky mechanic.

Despite the previous trailers showing Lightning in full armor during a battle with Chaos Bahamut, this new one says that Lightning is missing in action. It is Serah’s goal to find her, but not before encounter a time traveler from the future. Amusingly enough, the young man from the future, Noel Kreiss, looks like a much happier carbon copy of Final Fantasy VIII‘s emo protagonist Squall Leonhart. Instructing Serah how to use the Historia Cross system, the two set out in search of “O-Parts,” which will enable them to access new times and locations. From current trailers, it appears that the Historia Cross system resembles that of Chrono Trigger, albeit with more suitable styling for our current generation. The trailers also show the changes in each time period, such as Chocobos three-hundred years in the frozen future having evolved thicker feathers to adapt.

The current speculated release date for Final Fantasy XIII-2 is December 2011 for Japan and 2012 for North America, but director Motomu Toriyama has said that he will be announcing a more precise release date at the upcoming Tokyo Game Show.


  1. Remarkably, I think FFXIII-2 is worse looking than the original. SE really needs to step out of their comfort zone with generically pretty characters wearing fashion nonsense.

  2. @Reetin: Based on the pictures I have, its either grandma tits, Bieber tits, or time-travelling tits (which are also grandma’s). Choose wisely!

  3. Noel Kreis looks like the end result of Squall and Tidus having a gay babby – a Squalldus, if you will …

    “But we know from the past that Square-Enix is not completely incompetent when it comes to time travel; Chrono Trigger is heralded as a masterpiece among games that utilize a time travel mechanic.”

    Actually, Chrono Trigger was developed by Squaresoft; I can’t really regard SE as the same company.

  4. To be fair lots of Enix people worked on CT, so I think it’s the one game by Squaresoft that can be fairly regarded as made by SE.

    Also, why does everyone in any recent SE game have to have feathered hair?

  5. I would guess that the hair is easier to render (or more natural looking) when done so in clumps rather than strands.

  6. Also, Squaresoft isn’t Squaresoft without Hironobu Sackaguchi – so not the same company!

  7. Sure, but couldn’t somebody have short hair stuck to their scalp instead of the ubiquitous fabulous man-princess look?

  8. It’s what our slanty eyed friends of the east enjoy – good luck getting them to to take to crew cuts!

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