News: Activision Capitulate to Angry Muslims

Activision Pulls CoD Map at Behest of Angry Muslims

Mohammed Riding a Flying Carpet
Time for a hard reset.

The prophet Mohammed (may piss be upon him) has been very upset with infidels this week, on account of the name of his lord, Angry Allah, being used to adorn a rest-room wall in the popular FPS game, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The offending articles in question were two paintings which featured the phrase “Allah is beautiful and he loves beauty” – a sentence which is offensive to Muslims everywhere owing to the fact that Allah is ugly and hates beauty, and thus insists that it be covered up or stoned to death.

If Modern Warfare 2 is anything like other games, then the use of the Allah paintings was probably incidental, as in-game posters tend to be duplicated and then repeated with little thought as to their placement.Yet, despite the eminently reasonable use of the word ‘Allah’, Activision is the latest publisher to give in to the unreasonable demands of quiver-lipped Muslim cry babies, by pulling the level until such a time as they can strip out the offending pictures. This of course follows on from Sony having to recall millions of copies of Little Big Planet when Muslims became angry that one of the game’s tracks featured two lines from the Quoran, and CD Project RED having to remove carpets from a brothel in The Witcher 2 when Muslims became angry that their designs looked like Muslim patterns – whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

What is perhaps most disheartening about all this is that we have yet to see any developer or publisher actually standing behind their art against the graceless braying of the Muslims hoards. It is fine for Activision to include deliberately tasteless material such as participating in a massacre of civilians at an airport, yet as soon as the suggestion of Islamist offence raises its veiled head they fall over backwards in their attempts to acquiesce to Muslim demands. Now all that remains is for Barrak ‘Neville Chamberlain’ Obama to denounce Activision as providing a fair and reasonable basis for Muslims to do murder, and we will have a fun little redeux of the whole Libya debacle… Call of Duty: Tribal Warfare.

Joyless Wretches of PETA Attack Pokemon Black & White 2

PETA Spelled in Dead Bunnies
The sum totality of PETA’s contribution to animal protection.

As proof that the benighted hordes of Islam do not have a monopoly on lunacy, the universally loathed bestiality lobby group known as PETA has this week made a mockery of animal rights by slamming Pokemon Black & White 2 as promoting animal cruelty. The group have launched a tersely worded spiel against the iniquities of the Pokemon franchise, accompanied by a poorly balanced Pokemon knock-off game, wherein Pokemon are depicted savaging their owners – because that is somehow supposed to make them more sympathetic.

“Much like animals in the real world, Pokemon are treated as unfeeling objects and used for such things as human entertainment and as subjects in experiments. The way that Pokemon are stuffed into pokeballs is similar to how circuses chain elephants inside railroad cars and let them out only to perform confusing and often painful tricks that were taught using sharp steel-tipped bullhooks and electric shock prods… if PETA existed in Unova, our motto would be: Pokemon are not ours to use or abuse. They exist for their own reasons. We believe that this is the message that should be sent to children.”

If PETA existed in Unova they would be Team Plasma. They have gone about winning hearts and minds by attempting to convince children that they do not in fact adore Pokemon – a task no more or less plausible than any of the other nonsense endeavours they have put their names to. That is of course assuming that PETA are not actually a faux animal rights group established and coordinated by the meat industry, in a bid to utterly discredit the concept of animal rights.

Square Enix Attempts to Defend the Indefensible

Secret of Mana US Box Art
A high price for mediocrity.

Square Enix has this week attempted to stage a somewhat novel defence of their unacceptably expensive iOS titles, which can be priced as highly as $30 USD for games that are old (Chrono Trigger), poor (Final Fantasy: Dimensions), or both (Secret of Mana). The tenuous basis for this claim appears to rest with Square Enix’s blindness toward their product’s legacy status and the economic reality thereof, along with the categorical failure to recognise that phones and tables simply do not have the tactile input to offer an experience which comes close to the quality of the console gaming experience.

“Each game is priced individually and evaluated based on the type of game, depth and overall experience it provides for players. Some of our higher priced titles offer more than 60 plus hours of game time with rich storylines, high quality graphics and challenging, diverse combat. We’ve reconfigured and optimised [the games] for the mobile platform, releasing them at a lower price than their original console or handheld versions.”

The Square Enix rationale sounds reasonable enough until one considers that many or their games are between ten and twenty years old. These are titles that made their production costs back on the original run of the games in question, and so claims as to the density of content and graphical quality are quite beyond the point. Moreover, the bulk of Square Enix’s most cherished titles are available in far cheaper and more agreeable form on PSN.

5 comments

  1. SquareEnix: “Our prices are a BARGAIN compared to the launch prices a decade or two ago.”

    Users: “Even bigger bargains are available on the ‘internet’ in the form of ‘roms’ for ’emulators’.”

  2. I remember seeing Chrono Trigger at Babbage’s for $79.99 when it came out, no exaggeration. Overpricedness isn’t a new thing for them, and I don’t see why they should have to explain themselves any more now than nearly two decades ago. Please, buyers of overpriced old games and games which try to seem old but are actually scheisse and also overpriced, explain yourselves.

  3. Fools are easily separated from their money. That’s all the explanation I need and probably the most you’ll ever (honestly) get.

  4. There are too many people who proudly treat their squandering of money as though it were a virtue, i.e. “If Bamco bring Tales of XYZ over to America I’ll buy three copies.”, “Yeah? Well I plan to buy five copies, because I’m a good fan.” *

    *Conversations that you will literally find on FB if you like enough JRPG pages.

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