News: Lusipurr Elected President

LUSIPURR OPTIMUS MAXIMUS
The Seal of the President of the United States of America

Election Day in The United States of America may be held to decide the president of only a single country, but the world still tunes in to find out who is elected to be what is widely considered the most powerful man in the world. While the election was widely publicized to be a close race between President Obama and Republican candidate Mitt Romney, it was the independent candidate known only as Lusipurr who won the election by a convincing margin. In fact, while Texas stayed red and California stayed blue, the rest of America turned purple to vote for Lusipurr and his drastic but obviously popular ideals.

“It is a bright and happy day for all of us. Lusipurr is President!” exclaimed noted Red Menace, Blitzmage Stone. His colleagues at Lusipurr.com were quick to chime in.

“It brings me great pleasure to hear the news about Lusipurr’s victory,” said Mr. Flink while performing a handstand. “Finally, a candidate who understands my position on giant monsters rampaging through the cities! I think his plan to replace cabinet members with robots is simply brilliant!”

With such a vast outpouring of support, it would seem that joy for Lusipurr’s victory does not begin and end with America.

“Despite living in the UK, I have been keeping a close eye on the electoral campaigning stateside,” stated sundry Scott surreptitiously, “I am pleased that the US now has a president that will bring British values to a wider audience…This change will bring about a greater understanding of British sovereignty to the US, and I for one will be looking forward to the printing of new denominations to include all twenty two royals.”

The love from England did not end there, however. Kendra Evans is such a strong supporter of Lusipurr that her quote includes a quote!

“‘When I become President, people, I make this pledge: I will only wear three-piece double-breasted suits, I will always wear a really good fedora, and my ties will not be red or blue’ (Lusipurr, RPGCast Supplemental ‘Lusipurr and Metaridley’s Entirely Unscripted Video Game Podcast Extravaganza’). I am so glad to finally see this pledge come to fruition! With an army of automated civil servants and Nate Liles as Vice-President, the glory of the Lusipurrian era will help America reach new heights!”

Even the bowels of the earth had positive things to say about the results.

“Finally a President that all the people of America deserve,” stated a crocodile that I was told preferred to be referred to as Julian, “On an unrelated note I have recently acquired a large volume of stock in several American chemical manufacture firms.”

The reptile proceeded to bite off this reporter’s left arm.

In a final burst of foreign support, the entirely inconsequential Ethan Pipher took a moment away from living on his meaningless country of Canada to offer the following remarks:

“Long live Lusipurr! Hold on a second, Mr. Tanaka-san, I’m doing an interview!”

This reporter tried to point of the redundancy of Ethan using both “Mr.” and “san”, but the Canadian correspondent had already returned to tasks which are not appropriate to repeat in the news.

Lusipurr himself was kind enough to leave a statement right after receiving news of his victory.

“My fellow Americans, I am not surprised to be elected your president–I knew that, eventually, reason would overcome apathy; hope and change would be shown up as the nonsense-speech they are; firm, iron-fisted, steel-booted leadership would be desired. Cometh the moment, cometh the man. I may not have been the first choice for president, but I promise–I will be the last choice.

“When I take office in February, we will inaugurate a great era by inaugurating a great man. No longer will gangs of ruffians roam the streets unchecked; no more will the airwaves be filled with the toxic admixture of Justin Bieber and Skrillex; no more will the Jersey Shore be allowed to pollute our nation. Opera attendance will be compulsory; Shostakovich will be required; Raphael will be mandatory. We will have an era of peace and prosperity because, I promise to you each and every one, that if you try to disturb the Pax Lusipurr, we will hunt you down and get you, and your family, and your friends, and everyone you have ever loved.

“Bow-ties will receive subsidies, tea will be freely dispensed to the needy, cats will be eligible for tax credits, culture will again be the centre of our culture’s focus. We will have a base on Mars within the decade; on Venus within but a score of years; and warp drive within a quarter century. I will be increasing the budget of NASA to 10% of GDP, developing new technologies for our brave, new world.

“To those who voted for me; thank you. And, to those of you who did not, know that we are watching you, waiting for the correct moment–and when it comes, we shall strike with vengeance, merciless and without quarter. Thank you, and may God bless LusipurrLand.”

The world eagerly awaits Lusipurr’s sure to be perfect first swift moves as President.

7 comments

  1. @Deimosion: Your like-iness pleases Us. You will receive a special tea grant.

  2. This is the best news that I have received all day, and I firmly believe that this is the best direction our country can head.

    God bless LusipurrLand.

  3. I predicted months ago that Ethoses (he’s plural, for some reason) was a witch and now the American electorate has proven this by electingorifying Lusipurr as our thing which he does!!

    Praise be to our new Overlord!!

  4. Yesterday, I abolished the tax on tea.

    Today, I have decided to make all air free until the end of 2012. BREATHE DEEP, it’s on us! All the air you want to breathe at NO COST.

    With two meaningful and significant measures in as many days, I am already the best president ever.

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