News: Swasdickas Are the Reich Stuff for CoD Fans!

Reichstag + Book Burning
The vouchers proved to be unexpectedly popular.

Bonfire of the Sanities

Lusipurr.com readers will by now be aware of the immutable fact that violent video games are undeniably the root-cause of all gun violence, as proven by science and God. Now it would seem that communities have begun to hit back at this scourge by removing these so called violent games from the streets and shady back-alleys of decent towns, as they are to be shortly consigned to Satan’s flames instead!

The township of Southington [actual name], Connecticut will be offering twenty-five dollar vouchers to any young scamp with a mind to surrender their violent games, CDs, or DVDs to the local authorities so that they might be snapped, thrown into a dumpster, and then burned for good measure. This is to occur on Saturday, the twelfth of January at the Southington [actual name] Drive in Theatre from 09:00 until noon. This three hour window is sure to put a huge dent in the township’s stockpile of violent software, and is not in any way a knee-jerk political response designed to create the ostentatious impression of action being taken, as opposed to that action itself taking place.

Meanwhile, half a world away the Germans, cheerful folk that they are, are gearing up to burn their own dangerous stockpiles of violent video games [or killerspiele as they are wont to call them] in front of the Reichstag. This mass torching of games is actually being perpetrated by a gaming blog called GameOasis.de, which describes itself as being “the first EA fanblog” [seriously, what is it with Germans and poop?]. One would hazard a guess that the individuals behind this stunt are almost certainly engaging in some manner of satirical jape likening Germany’s political hostility toward video games to the Third Reich, because if this is not the case then they must surely be subject to enough cognitive dissonance to open a small blackhole.

Swasdicka Tattoo
The bold legacy of Lusipurr.com.

Lusipurr.com Has Changed the Face of Call of Duty

In December of 2010 Lusipurr.com gifted the world with the prominent advent of the Swasdicka, and in the time since then the reach of the site has swollen by such a magnitude that we are now in a position to stand tall and ejaculate a penis-shaped shadow across the face of Activision. That is to say that many millions of Call of Duty players have grasped Lusipurr.com’s Swasdicka insignia as their common standard, rallying around the site’s intellectual property as a call to war [or duty, as it were].

All is not well in the world of Call of Duty phallic logos however, as crabbed and miserly contrarians have emerged from the open sewers they no doubt inhabit in order to shake gnarled fists in the direction of the Lusipurr.com offices and shriek “fie to thee and thine penile humour!” This has landed Call of Duty community managers in something of a sticky patch, as they are forced to mediate between the morally right majority of Swasdicka aficionados and the pinch-faced umbrage of a vocal minority of humourless totalitarian twats, who do not choose to adorn themselves with the penile pleasures of the Third Reich, and thus insist that no one else should be allowed to either.

“This divides COD players into two camps: The people who want to create penis swastikas and the people who do not want to see them. I hear from both of them, complaining loudly that they should be able to create whatever they want and/or these people should be banned.”

Activision’s Dan Amrich went so far as to plead with players not to brand themselves with Lusipurr.com’s delightfully novel Swadicka insignia, and claimed that Activision would attempt to block the accounts of Swasdicka fans wherever possible. This is a shocking instance of victim-blaming on the part of Activision, as rather than standing up for the rights of individuals to freely express themselves, Activision has instead sided with the shrill harangues of the vocal minority. Fortunately however, there is no approval process for applying drawn insignias, which has meant that Activision’s attempts to thwart this hot new craze have proven woefully inept.

Wii U Console + U Mad
No, just disappointed.

Second Hand Wii U Consoles Give Full Access to Previous User’s Purchases

Nintendo’s insistence on hobbling the capacity of their consoles to act as a digital platform has always been something of a mystery. Presumably they imagine that their users are all thieves, and will perpetrate the dastardly crime of using the same user account for all of a household’s digital Nintendo purchases, thus preventing Nintendo from selling users a discrete copy for each piece of Nintendo hardware that they own. Perhaps they are just too addicted to the shady thrill of selling an individual back their already purchased items after having their previous Nintendo console stolen, broken, sold, &c. The downside to this practice on the Wii U was previously thought to consist solely of the diminished attractiveness of digital Nintendo purchases, as it is quite difficult for a customer to retain all of their purchases when transitioning between generations of Nintendo products, yet this week an additional detractor was added to this list.

It would appear that, much like the Wii before it, the Wii U’s digital purchases are associated with the console’s serial number rather than a user ID. This means that even if a used Wii U console has had the contents of its hard drive completely erased, the new owner can nevertheless hop on the Nintendo Network and download any software that the previous owner may have purchased. With this being the case, it is quite difficult to perceive just what sort of monetary gain Nintendo think they are making when they frustrate their users in this way. Perhaps they do not think about it in those terms, but are simply terrified of the notion of allowing their customers any degree of flexibility in managing their digital library. At any rate, it is such thinking which will ensure that the Wii U is forever seen as something of a joke console among core gamers.

2 comments

  1. I am so proud of our contribution to world culture! We have wrought a mighty work!

Comments are closed.