Feature: 2012 Reader of the Year

James Pagel chain-drinks sherry in small glasses.
James Pagel, during one of his frequent alcohol-induced episodes.

Another year has come and gone, and so it is only fitting that–in keeping with our tradition of choosing games and companies of the year–Lusipurr.com would now like to call attention to the 2012 Reader of the Year: Mr. James Pagel!

Born in 1999, James Pagel’s hard-fighting, hard-drinking life has led to premature ageing and three liver transplants to counter the effects of persistent cirrhosis. Yet, in spite of his lack of restraint, James Pagel has nevertheless at last found a healthful outlet for the manifestations of his obsessive personality disorder: Lusipurr.com. With nearly a post each day to ‘like’ on Facebook, James Pagel has found solace in endlessly checking and rechecking the site’s RSS converter, his eyes aglow with anticipation as he waits for Facebook to catch up to the site proper. And when it does, James Pagel’s shaking fingers hurriedly click the mouse, adding the first ‘like’ to the Facebook post–no doubt the first of many.

Other suicide methods which James Pagel has attempted include (but are not limited to) hanging, defenestration, self-immolation, asphyxiation, ritual disembowelment, gunshot, laceration of the wrists, poisoning, and suffocation-by-marmaset.
James Pagel, here photographed during an abortive suicide attempt.

Life now may be excellent–bodacious, even–but before Lusipurr.com, James Pagel was a shell of a man. Saddled with nearly a hundred thousand dollars in consumer debt, he was an unemployed university drop-out, bereft of friend and family. To be sure, James Pagel lived an altogether Motokian existence, worthy of scorn or pity–or perhaps both, administered in turns: the hand extended to offer charity then turned to strike hapless James Pagel on the cheek, rebuffing the begging of alms made with doleful plea. With scarcely a bean to his name, he wandered the streets looking for something–anything–which could sate his obsessions. Alcohol he found, more often than not, and the blissful forgetfulness it imposed upon him allowed him–if only for a moment–to escape the tumultuous, tedious hell that was his daily life.

Twelve-step programs, detoxification clinics, shock treatment, forced hospitalisation, and government reeducation camps were all tried, repeatedly, to no avail. Long did James Pagel wander in the wilderness, feeding primarily on grubs, berries, and certain edible herbs discovered through trial-and-error. Finally, stumbling into a library in the rural southwest, enmired in a psychogenic haze caused by excessive consumption of peyote, James Pagel crashed into a computer terminal and numbly tried to look up the best way to sell his soul to devil in exchange for something approaching sanity. Instead, he happened upon Lusipurr.com and, his brain reeling with shock as he observed pictures of swasdickas (a genuine Lusipurr.com invention now become most popular on the Call of Duty servers) and large-breasted anime girls. Certain that he had found Satan’s Own Website, he memorised the address and swore to return the following day.

Lusipurr.com gave James Pagel the confidence to succeed in every single way. If you know what I mean.
Here, James Pagel is seen with his therapist after one of their successful, post-Lusipurr.com appointments.

And return he did–the following day, and every day thereafter. Once James Pagel realised he had not sold his soul to the devil, and that Lusipurr.com was not a portal to the Infernal Regions, but rather The Internet’s Premiere Video Game and Cricket News Website ©, hope swiftly returned, having been only latent. James Pagel began attending group, individual, sexual, couples, and behavioural therapy. And soon, Lusipurr.com became not a crutch, but a part of the solution. James Pagel’s therapists were in awe, and the director of his behavioural therapy program was hopelessly attracted by the sheer willpower she saw on display. Lusipurr.com had not only cured James Pagel, it had made him a stronger, better man than he could ever have been before. Soon thereafter, James Pagel and his therapist married in the world’s first Lusipurr-themed wedding, complete with an Oliver Motok pinata and a karaoke singer dressed as Ethan Pipher. A Nate Liles cosplayer jumped out of their cake, and their barkeeper–a mustachioed Australian–spent the night serving up a special mixed drink of Foster’s, methylated alcohol, and Kangaroo urine, billed as the “SiliconNooB Special”.

And so, for his constant ‘likes’ on Facebook–for his devotion to the official Lusipurr.com World of Warcraft guild–for his themed wedding, his lifestyle turnaround, his attendance in the comments, his participation in features, and his promising beginning to what will certainly be a richly successful and erudite life, Lusipurr.com is pleased to award James Pagel the 2012 Reader of the Year award. May this award be the first of many that he will receive! And may his therapist wife keep a close eye on him, lest he spend his meagre winnings on the temptations of DRINK.

Congratulations, James Pagel!

6 comments

  1. Wow….just wow! I am speechless Lusi. The fact that you not only KNEW my entire life story but were able to make it an interesting read is amazing. I owe so much to Lusipurr.com, not only the turning around of my life, but the one and only Nate Liles cured my cancer during his time here as well. To another year of Lusiperian therapy!

  2. James was a past lover of mine and although we have had our own struggles in our homosexual companion ship , mostly due to james’ drunken induced rages and senseless beating of me , I take pleasure in hearing he is doing well in lusipurrian therapy. Still a big part of me yearns for an erotic relationship with him however we must go our seperate says. Goodluck in winning your war on ciggarettes, drugals, drinking and unhealthy homosexual bondage.
    I will always love you,
    Jordin pagel( once the divorce papers go through ill be changing my name )

  3. Lusipurr.com’s investigative journalism is SECOND TO NONE!

    We are proud to show how we are making the world better one sad, sad little man at a time.

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