News: Gamers Are Literally the Stupidest People on the Internet

Still a better love story than Twilight.
SiliconNooB’s lack of reverence towards important women’s issues no doubt make him some sort of dreadful Mahogonist.

The Feminists Are Angry Again

This week saw but the latest instance of fomented feminist furor, as the sanctimonious dullards of the internet got their collective tits in a twirl about Deep Silver’s shocking mahogany towards women, by way of a dismembered necrotic female zombie bust which the studio is shipping with the Zombie Bait edition of Dead Island: Riptide. This is what happens when a population collectively forgets how to use language; scatter-brained feminists start thinking that any object depicting feminine traits constitutes female objectification, and no doubt the next stage of their penumbral putsch on Western culture will be the outlawing of female shop manikins [because sexism]. Deep Silver for their part seem to have been caught by surprise, offering a full grovelling backdown and spineless apology. Whether this will do them a single jot of good is a source of some considerable personal skepticism however, as one harbours significant doubts as to whether any of these feeble braying plaints have originated from Dead Island: Riptide‘s intended audience.

“We sincerely regret this choice. We are collecting feedback continuously from the Dead Island community, as well as the international gaming community at large, for ongoing internal meetings with Deep Silver’s entire international team today. For now, we want to reiterate to the community, fans and industry how deeply sorry we are, and that we are committed to making sure this will never happen again.”

The Dead Island: Riptide Zombie Bait edition is a silly idea to be sure, in that most of these premium editions [sans Ni No Kuni] appear to constitute a colossal squandering of money that could be better used to kindle a fire, roll into a joint, or purchase numerous cat photos from the photographer, Nate Liles. That said, there is nothing in the Zombie Bait edition that is any more or less content-appropriate than a giant Master Chief helmet was to Halo 3. This being the case, it is quite difficult so see why the shrill throngs of humourless feminists would see the Zombie Bait edition as sexually objectifying towards women, though one supposes that it is certainly a more lusty and desirable item than the average feminist, so maybe they regard it as some sort of threat? The lack of orifices may be problematic, but one could no doubt whittle a Anita Sarkeesian head for the top while sculpting a Megalissa McEwan paper-mache head for the bottom, and thereby have a cunt at each end.

Still a better love story than Twilight.
“A callous, corrupt, and corrupting shadow industry that sells and sows violence against own people.” ~ Wayne LaPierre

NRA To Target Children, Find an Ideological Partner in NAMBLA

With the Sandy Hook shootings one month behind us it is perhaps tempting to look back to the aftermath and contend that the NRA handled that particular chestnut in the worst possible fashion – the NRA however are keen to prove that assertion woefully wrong. How wrong? Wrong enough for the NRA to dwarf their initial magnitude of bad taste and hypocrisy by this week releasing a free gun training video game on iOS, suitable for ages four and up.

NRA: Practice Range is a game which looks to introduce America’s tykes to the world of big armourments by allowing them to fire a selection of nine different firearms at virtual targets by using either gyroscopic or faux analogue controls. Interspersing this high-caliber entertainment experience will be helpful gun safety tips and a news-feed of second amendment related bulletins – because nothing says ‘children’s entertainment’ like a steady drip-feed of politically partisan news propaganda.

One must seriously contemplate whether the NRA are trolling at this point. The correct course of action for even the most ardent automatic weaponry aficionado would have been for them to hold their tongue during the direct aftermath of the Sandy Hook shootings, and then to have offered a vigourous defense of automatic weapon ownership once gun control legislation had surfaced, on the basis of second amendment precedent and the fact that automatic weaponry accounts for comparatively fewer violent deaths than conventional firearms and close-quarters weaponry. Instead the NRA attempted to blame video games for the Sandy Hook shootings, even as they rushed out their own gun propaganda video game like the pack of hypocritical weasels they are. In no way have they made any inroads in arguing their case, and worse, even some of the vaccuous drones who bought into initial NRA claims that video games were responsible for the Sandy Hook shootings must surely have been left scratching their heads at news that the NRA had produced their own child-targeted video game.

Still a better love story than Twilight.
Get the hose, they’re at it again!

These Are Not the Queens You Are Looking For

Since the start of the current console generation Electronic Bioturds [formerly Bioware] has been relatively consistent in offering same-sex relationship options, yet their ailing single-player MMO, The Old Republic, has until now been without such provisions. Electronic Bioturds’ rationale for leaving out homosexual relationships was that homosexuality does not exist in the Star Wars universe, which [to one’s best knowledge] is a position that is validated through the consistent absence of sodomites within the Star Wars cannon, and was no doubt a stipulation insisted upon by LucasArts. After a lengthy and embittered campaign of social justice however, Electronic Bioturds reversed their position and pledged to bring gay companion characters to the world of The Old Republic.

This week Electronic Bioturds have reached out to inform their gay fans [the entire fanbase, no?] that their initial pledge of gay companion characters will involve much more work than was previously thought, but that in the interim their forthcoming expansion pack, Rise of the Hutt Cartel, will introduce the gay planet of Makeb, where gay NPCs will strike up sassy conversations replete with fruity dialogue options, which will lead to wonton and outrageous trysts and extravagant cavorting – in short, everything that a gay player could ask for save for the inclusion gay companion characters [which are still forthcoming].

Gay people are not happy however [but then what coddled minority ever is?]. Some gay people are unhappy because the expansion will not allow for the homosexual companion characters that were promised; the implementation of which has taken longer than expected to do properly. meanwhile other gay people have complained that having a gay planet amounts to sodomite segregation [would they prefer Bioware to delete it?]. While still other gays are upset on account of having to purchase an additional expansion pack in order to be massive homos, labeling Electronic Bioturds’ significant gesture as “pay to gay”.

All of this whinging and bitching begs the question of why any studio would want to hop on the politically correct merry-go-round when this is their reward. Electronic Bioturd’s The Old Republic is struggling for its very existence as a viable MMO, and yet they have nevertheless devoted considerable resources in order to appease roughly one percent of the adult population – and yet in spite of this, their initiatives have just been met with more complaining. It certainly makes one nostalgic for the days when games only had to be games, as opposed to serving as the crystalised social conscience of Western self-loathing.

8 comments

  1. “It certainly makes one nostalgic for the days when games only had to be games, as opposed to serving as the crystalised social conscience of Western self-loathing.”

    I could not agree with this sentiment more wholeheartedly. The endless screaming and whinging from this group or another, demanding that their own individual axes be ground in every game, is absolutely destructive to an industry which first and foremost ought to be about fun–not about delivering some sort of political action message for this or that group.

    If Mario Bros. were released new today, feminists would be up in arms, the United States Mushroom Growers council would demand action, and PETA would accuse Nintendo of ‘a turtle genocide ten thousand times worse than the holocaust.’

    Actually, one of those things has come to pass already.

  2. PETA already confected all that gory awfulness about Mario’s Tanooki suit for Mario 3D Land…

  3. Anytime art has to appeal to people sensitivities it looses its validity. This is true with games. Also we should start a kickstarter project in which people “pay to gay” in our game. I’m sure it will be funded. Too bad they will not receive a game.

  4. @Kisaki: Thank you for your donation. YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!

    To redeem this voucher, please visit the nearest public loo and tap your foot insistently in a men’s restroom cubicle.

  5. I would love, just once, to hear a game developer say: “I’m sorry that our game content is not to XYZ’s liking, but actually we weren’t making a game SPECIFICALLY for that segment of the market, so I guess we’ll just have to carry on without that particular game sale.”

  6. @SN: That would take balls, and most marketting departments work by removing any balls a company has or had.

  7. The sad part is that that sort of statement would actually take very small balls. No big business is as run by PR as the gaming business.

  8. Other times you get company people trying to retcon the meaning of a game in order to dodge criticism, like Far Cry 3 and it’s tale of jaunty anglo-colonial adventurism, which the writer tried to claim was satire thereof. By doing so the Far Cry 3 writer indicated that he thought his audience were complete morons, and IMO by lying he managed to magnify the barely perceivable offensive elements of the game until they become very hard for gamers to defend. I can defend a tale of a white guy killing and conquering feckless coloured tribes, as that sort of thing is blazoned on the tapestry of my culture’s rich colonial past – but as soon as the game makers try to claim it as social commentary, that’s it I’m done. As commentary it doesn’t make much of a point about anything.

    Sometimes companies need to be upfront about the fact that not everyone will like their game’s content. And that’s OK.

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