Editorial: Where Has Evilpaul Gone?

I'm actually not entirely sure if he's the cat in the background or foreground.
Have you seen this man?

It may seem strange, dear LusiCats, that a giant faceless conglomerate like Lusipurr.com Inc & Co would produce an entire editorial focusing on the disappearance of just one reader, but Evilpaul is no ordinary reader. In fact, his disappearance is not only confusing and unexpected, but is increasingly making me paranoid.

The frequency of reader comments are a constant ebb and flow, but when I looked deeper into the comments leading up to Evilpaul’s disappearance, I started to realize that there was an obvious descent into madness at play. While always eccentric, Evilpaul at least had some coherency to his text in the past. In the latter days, however, everything appeared to go to shit. The first example of this I could find in my totally-legit-and-not-hastily-assembled research was in the middle of a typical stand-offish stubborn debate between our own Julian ‘SiliconNooB’ Taylor and myself about just how shitty the fourth Indiana Jones movie may or may not be. Evilpaul had the following insight to contribute.

“How drunk you can be on Foster’s yet still be less than Indiana Jones 4 drunk I have just discovered. It makes me thing other continents should’t be a thing because Indiana Jones 4, mostly.”

Okay, sure. If one assumes that Evilpaul is hammered beyond belief, one might slightly start to understand what maybe he could have been potentially trying to say. Then, about a month later during a discussion about Tingle (during which Evilpaul was making actual sense), he decided to follow-up his contributions by adding the following drivel.

“I just wanted to say that my throat feels like I drank some festive combination of crushed glass and battery acid this morning. Ethos has put a hex upon me and, more specifically, my throat!”

The comment – as a standalone – does make sense. Evilpaul has a sore throat and decided to blame me for his ailment. It is not entirely out of nowhere. I am, indeed, the subject of a lot of jokes that involve throats and butts. You might even say that I am the butt of many jokes that are shoved down my throat. No, the strangeness of the comment is the complete lack of context. It is almost as if Evilpaul started to see the comments as his personal chatroom. As if the fact that he was participating in the relevant conversation earlier was enough reason for him to just go off on whatever tangent he felt like. Not that this is really a problem for us at Lusipurr.com, but Evilpaul was starting to give less and less context for his comments that were becoming more and more out of the blue.

Where WAS Waldo, anyway?
Perhaps as serious as that one time that guy Waldo went missing.

It was not just me who was starting to notice his decline. Occasional commenter and all-around awesome dude, Glenn ‘7thCircle’ Wilson picked up on Evilpaul’s antics as well.

“The next character study will be on how evilpaul’s mind has slowly unraveled over the last few months.”

Although on a different article, this was written around the same time as Evilpaul’s sore throat comments. Soon after those few months containing long rants and non-sequitur comments from the man, there was silence. At first I thought very little of it. It was the holiday season after all, and many of us were busy.

But soon the silence shifted from a natural lull to an uneasy darkness. There was something sinister about the way Evilpaul’s comments boiled and then vanished. How could a personality so strong and frantic just disappear without a peep? Perhaps it was just a part of his unexpected nature, but more likely, it is a worldwide conspiracy in which Evilpaul was subject to sensitive information capable of tearing the fabric of our society apart and keeping it inside was doing the same to his mind.

Maybe he was discovered.

So, dear LusiThroats, help is needed to uncover the truth behind Evilpaul’s strange and sudden disappearance. My only leads are the ominous comments that I just posted and a very sparsely updated blog found here. The fact that his blog was last updated around the time of his disappearance yet speaks of starting to update on a more frequent basis is just further cause for concern.

So please join me, LusiSleuths, on my mission to uncover the truth. Consider the comments on this editorial the Find Evilpaul Now Hotline, and consider Lusipurr.com your best chance to find telltale clues. Will you unravel the mystery of the missing Evilpaul, or is this a mess so tied to government secrets that we would be best leaving it alone? I guess we will have to brave the darkness and find out together. Long live Evilpaul.

12 comments

  1. Hopefully it’s a situation where he realized that the internet was largely at fault for his madness, and stepped away from it for more positive and increased contact with the real world.

  2. Anyone else always think of Green Day’s Dookie cover when they see Where’s Waldo? And what’s up with brown Waldo in that one?

  3. No one wrote articles about where I went! (kidding, kidding)

    Hopefully all is well with Mr. Paul. And here’s to his return.

  4. Ya know sometimes people just disappear…

    It happened to me actually where somebody who was a very close friend of mine; not a commenter, not a reader. No he was a dear friend of mine and he disappeared. I did some searching and in the end I am still not fully happy with the result when I found him and the truth was that he simply didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

    He may be fine but have decided to either take on a new persona or avoid talking to somebody that frequents here. It’s all a mystery and do you really want to know the answer?

  5. @Korusi: Yes, we really want to know the answer.

    If he is trying to avoid us, it is our duty to harass him mercilessly as punishment.

  6. @Matt Dance: No, only people with a bad taste in music think that.

  7. @SN – How clever.

    @Matt Dance – Yes, normal people think that.

    @Lusipurr – I’ve actually considered the possibility of death. So far it seems the most rational.

    @Mel – It’s because you have a semblance of sanity. Evilpaul has no such privilege.

  8. @Lusipurr Just playing Devil’s Advocate. Honestly that’s the part that bothers a person the most isn’t it? The not knowing.

    Honestly there are many reasons why a person might not appear anymore. The most likely reason is that they decided they do not want to appear anymore. So Death isn’t the most likely reason. It’s a possibility but not the most likely. There is also Coma. Could just be in a coma. Could be incarcerated as well. There are a range of possibilities and maybe somebody knows this person.

    Still I entirely understand how you might feel about the ‘not knowing’ having recently myself experienced this with somebody whom I considered to be a close friend.

  9. I just find it a bit odd, and quite amazing actually, that a Saracen Waldo, wearing a bullseye for a hat, was able to wander onto the rampart of a medieval European battlefield!

  10. @Korusi – Well this whole editorial was (hopefully obviously) tongue-in-cheek, but I definitely sympathize and understand that sort of situation. I had a similar experience recently and it was definitely not knowing that drove me the most crazy. I’d much rather hear bad news than no news. At least then I can start to move on.

    @Matt Dance – I think Waldo might be the most badass spy in the world. Especially because he’s convinced us that he’s so unassuming.

Comments are closed.