Editorial: Bup’s First Dungeons & Dragons Campaign: Part 1

In all my 29 years on this Earth I have never once played Dungeons & Dragons. I always assumed it was something played by “super-nerds” in the darkness of their parent’s basements while avoiding the female sex as much as possible. Since I have already enjoyed the company of many ladies (lots of them (tons of them)), I decided to finally take a swing at this whole DnD thing all the nerds are talking about. I will admit it was a bit confusing at first, but I feel like I got the hang of things quickly. Here I have decided to chronicle my adventure through this world, but be warned: it may be a bit unconventional compared to most campaigns. Most of those I play with do not take it 100% seriously.

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This is a real, not-fake picture of me reading the rules for the first time.

The rain poured down like a waterfall when the noble-born High Elf and her three retainers entered the pub of some city whose name she did not remember. She had come for a celebration that had been canceled due to the weather and the pub was packed with people who had done the same. People of all races known to the Paladin, but the only three that stood out were a Half-Orc Bounty Hunter, a Human Cleric, and a Warforge Soldier sitting at the only table with an extra seat. The Elf sat down and observed those sharing the table with her before telling one of her retainers to get an ale from the bartender. Sipping her drink the Elf listened in on some gossip coming from another table about a Red Wizard that had been caught spying on a local Lord after a pack of Orcs attacked the Lord’s manor. Apparently the Wizard was to be hanged in the morning, much to the happiness of the bored visitors who were in need of some entertainment after the celebration was canceled because of the rain. Both the Warforge and the Half-Orc perked up upon hearing this and the Half-Orc stood up and walked over to the bar. He slammed his fists down on the bar and attempted to intimidate the bartender into getting more information about this Red Wizard and where he was being held. Perhaps the Half-Orc hoped the Wizard was worth some money to somebody? It did not matter as his intimidation did not work on the bartender, who just carried on with his duties in the over-run bar.

That did not stop the High Elf from attempted to persuade some information out of the bartender, as a Paladin she was sworn to uphold good and she needed to know if this man truly deserved to die. Unlike the Half-Orc’s intimidation attempt, the persuasion worked and the bartender told the Elf that the Wizard was being held at the jail on the other side of town being guarded by multiple guards. Disheartened by this information the Elf thanked the bartender for his time and paid for a room to rest in. Turning away from the bar she met herself face-to-face with the three people she had been sharing a table with.

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“Don’t worry! You can PAY girls to touch you these days!”

“What business do you have with that Wizard, Elf?” the Half-Orc growled.

“I only wish to know if his crimes are true. No man should die without a proper judgement,” the Elf responded, “What need do you have with the man?”

“A Red Wizard in these parts usually means someone is looking for them, and that means more gold to line my pockets,” the Half-Orc said. “I am B’Gulk. This Cleric is Uhuera, and my man-made friend is only known as X.”

“My name is Lady Pweef and these three are my retainers. I forgot to name them, but I doubt they’ll do anything to justify a name,” the Elf said.

“So, what do we do now? Like, how do we get to the action?” B’Gulk asked after a few moments of silence and what appeared to be the sounds of someone pouring a cup of coffee.

“Go to bed!” a voice boomed from the sky. The party retired to their rooms and rested before the Wizard’s hanging in the morning.

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“I cast ‘Level 20 Forever Virgin’ on myself!”

The storm had not let up overnight but that did not stop a majority of the town to crowd around the hanging platform in the town square. The party found an empty spot near the back of the square and watched as a tattooed, bald man in a loincloth was led up to the hangman’s noose and had it slipped around his neck. The crowd made way for a carriage inside of which was a pale man the party recognized as the Duke of the town. An older man in the armor of a Paladin with a noticeable limp looked at the Duke who gave him a nod and then gave a nod to the hangman on the platform. The floor underneath the captured wizard gave way and the tattoos on the man started to glow and shimmer. When they dimmed the Wizard hung from the rope lifeless. With the entertainment over much of the crowd started to wander back inside to avoid any more of the rain than they had to. The party was about to turn around and do the same when a knight clad in black ran up to the older Paladin and told him that some Keep nearby had been attacked by a dragon. Hearing this the Duke stepped out of his carriage and discussed the situation with the older Paladin in hushed tones. Seeing the party the Duke called them over and asked them to help in the counter-attack against the dragon.

“I’ll do it as long as there’s gold involved,” B’Gulk snarled attempting to intimidate the Duke. It failed and the Duke told them the Baroness of the Keep may be willing to pay some gold for their services. Upset over his second intimidation failure in just as many days, the Half-Orc sulked behind the rest of the party.

“As long as there’s the chance of being paid, I volunteer my services,” X said in a metallic voice, “Plus, I think my Orc friend here will need some protection.

“I go wherever there are those in need. I need no payment,” Pweef said with a slight bow. As the Cleric was in the bathroom at the time the party heard a faint “Yeah, I’ll go!” come from that general direction.

“Then gather your things. We make way within the hour for our destination,” the older Paladin told the party. With that, the party began their journey. One that would change their lives forever.

2 comments

  1. Lady Pweef sounds hot. How many times did you sleep with her?

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