Feature: Select-a-Misery 2014

Remember my super cool Rattata? My Rattata is different from regular Rattata. It's like my Rattata is in the top percentage of rattatas.
The Desk of a Powerful Man

The year is 2014, and somewhere in the mystical land of Michigan an amateur dictator sits at his desk listening to the incomparable compositions of Alan Hovhaness. As his computer notifies him of another incoming e-mail, the bespectacled autocrat glances up from his copy of The Collected Poems of Theodore Roethke. With an irritated sigh, he observes another donation intended for the Lusipurr.com coffers.

“Now I must devise still more stretch goals,” Lusipurr grumbles to himself–for our glorious leader Lusipurr it is whose desk and time at leisure are here described. With a hasty rat-a-tat-tat upon the keyboard, the onerous chore is completed, and the inestimable supremo is once again free to indulge in aesthetic delights beyond the appreciation of the plebian masses. Alas!–in his haste, he has set the bar too low. A mere hundred dollars and twenty-four hours are all that are needed from a vicious fanbase which has time-and-again demonstrated that money is but little object when it comes to inflicting suffering upon he who is responsible for so much joy.

No. It is *not* Checkmate. It is not even Check. Learn to play, you gormless, feckless, brainless twit.
Is it Checkmate for Lusipurr!?

Soon, the folly of Lusipurr’s irritated haste is revealed, as a bevy of donators push the Lusipurr.com balance sheets into the black for the first time in years. Adding insult to injury, each donation is attended by an e-mail notification which disrupts Lusipurr’s listening and reading experience. “How the deuce am I supposed to enjoy Hovhaness’ ‘Upon Enchanted Ground’ with this d—ed racket!?” the frustrated curmudgeon finally exclaims, driven to distraction. An annoyed series of clicks suffices to bring El Presidente up to speed. “They’ve done it,” he mouths soundlessly. “The bastards.”

A quick glance across the library suffices to reassure Lusipurr that his game collection still contains a whole host of thoroughly unpalatable titles, to say nothing of the scourge-like options available via emulation on the NES, SNES, Genesis, and Game Boy systems. Bony fingers quickly tap away at an iPhone in alarm. The wait for a response from Blitzmage, Business Manager Extraordinaire seems to take forever in the coming:

“No, you can’t give the money back.”

...if the wisdom of the ages is limited to poetry, British history, and the collected works of Sir Winston Churchill.
The wisdom of the ages resides in these very tomes…

After a ramble through the library and some perusal of the great histories, the feline führer finds himself in front of the computer once more. With a series of keystrokes, a secure channel is open to the redoubtable News Director, SiliconNooB. “G’day!” comes the nasal-yet-jolly tones of the befuddled inebriate. And, after an hour’s discussion, with much repetition for the benefit of a spirits-addled mind, the Wonder from Down Under is forced graciously to concur with his esteemed colleague:

“Shoefag haddit right,” he manages, with scarcely a belch along the way. “Yer gonna have t’play wha’e’er they want. Drink time now, g’day!” After which curt termination the channel is closed before Lusipurr has even the chance to reply.

“This is intolerable!” Lusipurr exclaims in tones meant for the benefit of the ever-attentive National Security Agency. “How am I supposed to get out of slaving away at another lamentable game development abortion?” But, with each passing moment, his dread grows, for the answer seems increasingly inescapable: there is no way out.

It seems even Fate stands against me.
No Saving Throw vs. the Vox Populi!

With the number-crunchers, the law, and the readers all marshalled against him in force, even this most autocratic and arbritrary of dictators begins to reflect upon what happened to the Caesars when they too often transgressed beyond what the citizenry of Rome would tolerate. The people must feel that they are being heard (if only on occasion)–bread and circuses must be dispensed–else who knows what mischief the masses might make?

So it was that, imagining the dread sound of jangling pitchforks clattering in his ears, Lusipurr grimly opened the site backend.

“Very well, as it seems to me that I have but little choice, I shall throw myself upon God and Fate, in the hope that the outcome is endurable. Mayhap Final Fantasy VII will be the choice of the masses.”

Mayhap, indeed.

Note: Nominations and voting are concluded. Please consult the results below.

WINNER: Eternal Sonata (PS3)
RUNNER-UP: Xenogears (PS1)


  1. Interesting how it was Rpgamers RPG of the year in 2008, or 9, or whatever but it was. I know your opinion on this one Lusi despite how wrong it is. How very wrong.

    I vote for Eternal Sonata.

  2. I’m going to assume you mean the later PS3 edition (if primarily because I do not own an XBox of any variety, and cannot play the original 360 release).

  3. I wanted to edit my comment to follow your rules by announcing a system.
    360 or PS3 Eternal Sonata.

  4. Eternal Sonata is a terrible game. I’ve actually played through it on the 360 back when it first came out. It has some of the worst psycho-babble nonsense I’ve ever seen in any game, book, or movie. It is the very definition of those sorts of horribly shallow media that try to seem deep through clumsy sleight-of-hand, convincing only to the unintelligent and the wilfully deluded. 0/10 would not bang.

  5. I love that entire paragraph Lusi. This is why I need a full review, I completely disagree with it but can roll with your opinion.

    Motoi Sakuraba’s best soundtrack of his career. Far beyond Star Ocean, beyond Baten Kaitos, beyond ANY Tales game. It was a great thing you could skip all the dialogue of any cutscene with one button. Chopin history lessons were fantastic, the main story based around him emotional. Battle system (you said it, for lack of a better word, sucked. I liked it. It was an evolved Tales battle system, one that didn’t piss me off every battle I was forced into.

  6. Motoi Sakuraba is a hack fit not even for composing advertising jingles! Bah!

  7. Ohhhhh YAaaaa?

    We shall see, you’ll have your chance to put that to proper review and voice if the readers so, and should, decide.

  8. We’ll see about that.

    Readers! Name 1,000,000 other games that would be better for Lusipurr to review in the next 5 seconds after this post.

    None, didn’t think so. You win I lose.

  9. Fine, as long as you don’t use Aerith’s theme during any part of that review to invoke some emotional idiotic response.

  10. JOIN US for the ETERNAL SONATA 2014 Lusipurr.com REVIEW DRIVE
    Your vote matters! His rage is your salvation!

  11. Well, I vote for Super Mario Sunshine for the Gamecube as well as Wind Waker HD for the Wii U.

  12. Wow, there’s a name we haven’t seen in forever! Adeki!

  13. Since we can do multiple votes, I will throw in two more votes and leave it at that until 13, July and leave it at that. While my #1 is Eternal Sonata, I would not be adverse to:

    2) Final Fantasy IV: The After Years
    3) The Legend of Zelda II – The Adventure of Link (one of my favorite games of all time, my brain is warped that way).

  14. @Savante: “The Adventure of Link (one of my favorite games of all time”

    What is WRONG with you!?

  15. Maybe I’ll actually apply to a future Lusipurr.com hire-drive and you’ll regretfully find out after hiring me for some insane reason.

  16. Honestly we should all just nominate our favorite games ever to see them get ripped limb from limb. I shudder to think what will happen to my beloved Super Mario Sunshine.

  17. @Savante: Hiring a reader!? Hmm, I dunno…

    @Adeki: Hey, there are SOME games that I like! Typically they begin with FINAL, MEGA, or CASTLE and end with FANTASY, MAN, or VANIA.

    That said, Super Mario Sunshine is one of only two games in history that have brought me to the point where I wanted to throw my controller across the room.

  18. Listen, I love Finalvania and Castle Fantasy as much as the next guy, but there’s just something about Sunshine that’s amazingly peaceful. Really I wouldn’t even be mad if it was just an open world game that still kept the amazing music. That being said, I’d rather stab myself with a sharpened water bottle than try to 100% that game.

  19. @Adeki: It was in the course of my 100% run shortly after the game was released that I nearly threw my controller across the room.

    There’s a later warp zone level which requires a series of complex, blind wall jumps involving disintegrating sand cubes. The camera (one of the worst cameras in any 3D Mario game, incidentally) flips around constantly because of the blind jumps, and since controls move relevant to the camera direction, it makes the entire thing a bit like performing brain surgery on a patient who is not merely awake, but actively engaged in a particularly ostentatious performance of the tango.

    It did not help that one of my friends was watching me do this, and that he laughed explosively every time I died and the mocking a capella Mario 1 remix was terminated by a bunch of party horns playing the Mario 1 death music.

    I know for a fact that it took in excess of 50 tries, and it may have taken more than 100. Infuriating–and not because of the difficulty. If there was a way to place the camera and lock it in position, it would have been a piece of cake. Difficulty because of BAD CAMERA is something developers should be publicly flogged for.

  20. Huh, that’s weird. I’ve honestly never had problems with the camera in that game and the warp zone levels seemed fine. The last game where I remember wanting to throw my controller would’ve been Sonic: Lost World. Just about everything in that game is pretty terrible.

  21. @Adeki: TERRIBLE camera.

    I was playing it last week doing the Pachinko stage (under the bridge in Delfino).

    The camera flips all over the place at times, because Mario ends up briefly obscured by pegs, or because he’s passing in front of an exit to the rear of the stage, and the camera wants to see him through the exit instead. Same problem with that particular Warp Zone stage. One is jumping off a wall and view of Mario is obscured whilst that is taking place, so the camera flips out. Given that you have to land on squarely on a disintegrating cube and move immediately in the correct direction relevant to the camera, having the camera spinning around all over the place is less than ideal.

    As for Sonic games, ew, Ew, EW. I hope you didn’t spend any money on that shitpile.

  22. I nominate super robot taisen J for the gba, the only way to play it is by emulator since the game never came to america from japan, the game was translated. an strategic rpg . It is incredible easy to find, so the availability is no problem.

    The second nomination is for ninja ryukenden 3, I played this game in the famicom. The easiest way to get to play it is by emulation.

    The third is mother 3.
    The last one is final fantasy tactics, grind, grind and suffer! (?)

  23. I nominate Persona 3 FES, on either PlayStation 2 or 3 – if the latter is even possible? Had to laugh at the site’s Twitter feed, has a mass slaughter of PS3’s occurred at Lusipurr Towers?

    Chosen selfishly as I don’t know much about the game or its series (picked it up via PSN, courtesy of a recent TSM recommend). Also, got around to leaving said TSM a 5 star iTunes (UK) review.

    Plus – having braved the pockets of old coats, and a tentative exploration down the back of the sofa – a site donation ($30) has been sent. Again, apologies for not making the cut on Bup’s donation drive. I remain hopeful for bit of Dirk Gently one day via the excellent Imitanis literature corner however.

  24. Really? These cakewalks are the nominations? Guys! Guys!

    I nominate Suikoden III!
    I nominate Grandia III!
    I nominate Trails in the Sky: The Legend of Heroes!

  25. All nominations added. The only one that could be a problem is Grandia III, as I do not have access to it.

    @Ferchu: Mother 3 and FFT are FANTASTIC games! As for the other two you mention, I’ve only even *heard* of the first. OBSCURE.

    @SKS: Persona 3 FES is indeed possible on the PS3, as the game is a ‘PS2 Classic’ on PSN in North America. However, I also have the original PS2 release, and would prefer to play the disc version, so it has been added under PS2.

    Many thanks for the Donation and the TSM review! I saw the link today. We’ll be reading your review on an upcoming podcast. As for the Holistic Detective Agency, I’ll see if I can find the book…

    @Ethos: What a buncha junk!

  26. #1) Final Fantasy XIII
    #2) Final Fantasy VII
    #3) Final Castle Megavania Fantasy Man 2

  27. @Dancing Matt: FF7 is already on the list, courtesy of MOI.

    However, I have added FF13 and… FF2, CV2, and MM2. I think that’s sort of what you meant, yes?

  28. Yes, except Final Fantasy II (U.S.), meaning Final Fantasy IV.

  29. @Dancing Matt: Quick clarification: do you mean the original North America SNES release of Final Fantasy IV (i.e. FF4-ET), or do you mean a later release of the original Japanese FFIV with an English translation (i.e. FF4 PS1/PSP)?

  30. I mean, precisely, the original SNES North American good ol’ don’t-make-’em-like-they-used-to what we all know and love and is playable on the Wii/U Virtual Console which says that the game is called specifically and undeniably Final Fantasy II on the box, manual, cartridge (or graphic icon, where available) and title screen version of Final Fantasy II.

    Now that it got neologised, though, I think Megavania games could get going as a nascent genre… Get Inafune and Igarashi on the horn, stat!!/

  31. @DancingMatt: FFIV-EasyType it is!
    I have the Wii VC version, but I hope that it will one day be made into a genuine WiiU VC version (for gamepad purposes–and also so that I don’t have to go into ‘Wii mode’ to launch it).

  32. All of the Square Enix employees responsible for putting up their old games on Wii and PSN have been sacked. Those responsible for the sacking, have also been sacked.

    I really want Final Fantasy Adventure to one day show up on 3DS eShop, but Square Enix, ya know? So I think you’ll get FFII/IV on WiiU about the same time they put up Secret Of Evermore. No one wants to be “that guy” in their corporate culture who “gives the fans what they want” and/or “makes the company a little extra money.” At least Atlus woke the guy who was halfway through putting their PS2 games on PSN back up.

  33. @DancingMatt: I doubt you’ll see FFA on 3DS eShop, because they’d prefer to release Sword of Mana on Wii U VC instead. GB games on 3DS VC cost about $4, whereas GBA games on Wii U run about $8 instead. Size of market and install base mean nothing to SE. All they see are dollar signs.

  34. @Lusipurr – Ninja ryukenden 3 is the japanese version of ninja gaiden 3, but with better music. Super robot taisen J is not that obscure unless you don’t play or even heard of the super robot taisen games and is translated. I was tempted to nominate majoras mask knowing your love for that game xD

  35. @Ferchu: Ah, I have played Ninja Gaiden 3 (the US version, at least).

    I’ve heard of Super Robot Taisen, but I’ve never played any of the games in the series.

    Majora’s Mask is a shitpile.

  36. @Lusipurr – FFT is a GREAT game indeed. I don’t know much about mother 3 yet since I still have to finish that game. I was playing that game but stopped because of earthbound. A friend of mine is really insistent in me playing majora’s mask (his favorite game) and I say ok but you habe to play earthbound, HE DOESN’T WANT TO PLAY EARTHBOUND . My friends are morons xD

  37. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how someone can praise Majora’s Mask and also refuse to play Earthbound. Your friend is an idiot.

  38. Now we’re getting a list going!
    Can I also mention how great the feature article itself is?

    Earthbound is next on my list after Link to the Past in terms of “holy shit Ethan, fucking play these games already.”

  39. Arc Rise Fantasia. I’m ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you will enjoy the voice acting in this much treasured Wii game.

  40. I have heard about the terrible voice acting in Arc Rise Fantasia.

    I have heard that it is terrible.

  41. I hope is not as bad like infinite undiscovery’s voice acting.

    is the water of life.

    The person that can answer from which game is this quote will win 1000 internets!

  42. I’d like to vote for Final Fantasy VII, but with the stipulation that you, Lusipurr, approach it with the same sort of critical eye you’d give to any title you don’t like.

  43. @Wolfe: If you look at the bottom of the main article, you can see a list of all the games nominated so far.

  44. Aye, I looked it over briefly, but somehow missed VII. Maybe I just didn’t expect to see anything the listenerbase knows you’d enjoy being nominated.

  45. Actually, if we were voting, Final Fantasy VII would be the only game with multiple votes. Three people have nominated it.

    This bodes well! :D

  46. How about Steambot Chronicles or Rogue Galaxy for the PS2? I believe I own both of those, so I could loan them to Lusi should they actually win.

  47. What I am learning is that you guys buy a lot of bad games and then KEEP them! :o

  48. I got plenty more too. Those two just stuck out since I figured you would hate them right away. Yakuza 4, Dragon Quest 8, Dark Cloud 1 and 2, Star Ocean Till the End of Time are some others that you might enjoy.

  49. Wow, now there’s a game of which I have had but few thoughts since its release…

  50. Blaster Master (Wii)

    I was never able to finish that one, and I must have tried over 100 times. Fun game. Impossible to beat.

    I’ll also nominate Mega Man Anniversary Collection (PS2) and assume you’ll finish every game in the collection and review the collection. I tried playing through it all once and suffered enough brain damage sometime around Mega Man 5 that I can’t remember if I finished them all or not.

  51. @Glenn: IMPOSSIBLE to beat? I’ve beaten Blaster Master (both the exceptional NES original and the decent Wii remake, Blaster Master: Overdrive) scores of times. My friend Roger and I used to see who could get through the original game more quickly.

    In fact, I beat it (with Roger here) just last month. He followed up by beating the remake. Fantastic soundtrack. Some of the remixed versions in the Wii game are really good, too.

    That said, the other games in the Blaster Master series are TERRIBLE. Avoid.

    I have played through all of Mega Man Anniversary Collection twice: once at release, and then again a couple years ago, as part of an intended Mega Man feature that we ended up not running. Of course, my love for the Mega Man series is well-known, so I thoroughly enjoyed my time with it.

    UNFORTUNATELY, you have to pick a single Mega Man game. If you ask me to review the collection, I’ll only review the stuff in the collection that is not in any of the individual games: i.e. the menus, options, etc.

    So you’ll have to pick something! :D

  52. Kingdom Hearts – any version

    Unlimited Saga – PS2

    Shadow Madness – PS1

    Beyond Two Souls – PS3

    Batman Forever – SNES

    Musashi Samurai Legend – PS2

    Any RPG based on the Dragon Ball Z or Sailor Moon franchises.

  53. sailor moon rpg? there is only one and It’s on the snes. It is translated :D

  54. I tend to look a lot of japanese games that have been translated for gba, famicom, snes, psp and DS . The sailor moon game is less obscure than super robot wars J .

  55. @Ferchu: Well, it’ll be Dragon Ball, not Sailor Moon (but still an SNES title).

  56. the dragon ball rpg is better anyways. The only people that can enjoy the sailormoon rpg are fans of the anime .

  57. I nominate: Dragonball Z: Legendary Super Warriors (GBC)

  58. I am amazed that anyone actually wants to read a review of a Dragonball game.

    It’ll be three sentences of review, and eight paragraphs of me sharpening my pencil, SHARPENING MY PENCIL, SHARRRRPENNIIINNG MY PENNNNNCILLLLLLLLALAAARRRRRGGHHHHHHHH!

  59. and you will need 40 hours to end the game, It is reeeally long

  60. There is a dragon ball z rpg that is actually harder and worst than dragon ball z: legendary super warriors

  61. @Ferchu: I don’t doubt it. There are like a hundred Dragon Ball RPG games spread across various systems. I don’t think hardly any of them have official English translations, although there are a handful with fan translations.

  62. and in the japanese games you have to grind, grind, grind, grind, grind, grind and then grind some more . Combine that with the dragon ball z element and you have something more fearful than playing 2 times fable xD .

  63. Beyond Two Souls! Excellent choice! Why didn’t I think of that?

  64. Final Fantasy VIII!
    How has no one nominated this yet?!

  65. @DiceAdmiral: Probably because they all remember my opinion of it from our FFVIII playthrough a couple years ago!

  66. How about Final Fantasy 7………………..Dirge of Cerberus?
    Or Final Fantasy Tactics…………………Advance?
    Or Suikoden…………………….TierkreisfortheNintendoDS?

  67. Apparently DefChaos is kind of a DOUCHEBAG!

    Also SN: No MMOs. Sorry.

  68. douchebag, where I heard of that name?…. douchebag? no, that is wrong. The correct name is Sir Douchebag the main character of South Park: The Stick of Truth, a game I nominate :D

  69. The list is quite a grab-bag.

    I’m surprised at the relative absence of NES titles.

  70. I assure you, I thought of several games much, MUCH worse than those!

    Speaking of NES games though, I would like to nominate Blaster Master. It’s one of my favorite NES games ever, but I only ever made it through the 3rd or 4th dungeon because I would inevitably just get lost. I would like to read a comprehensive review by an expert.

    I would also like to nominate Fire Emblem (GBA). Saving perhaps for Final Fantasy 4, I have completed that game more times than any other that I have played. The gameplay is fun and super addictive, and it has a challenge to it that could lend itself to some very entertaining reading in a review.

  71. I nominate Mr.Gimmick, a favorite platform game favorite of mine for the famicom .A truly excellent superb game that never got to the states because it was the end of the nes’s life.

  72. How about any Harvest Moon game? Or Shepherd’s Crossing?

  73. Blaster Master is a quality title, and one of the best in the NES catalogue. It’s easy to get lost, especially in later areas, unless (like me) you have the correct route memorised. Or, I suppose, if you have access to gamefaqs.com–something not possible when I played the game in the late 1980s.

    I’ve never completed a Fire Emblem game (or purchased one), although I have played several. They’re not really my cup of tea (permadeath for characters is beyond annoying), but I know a lot of people like them very much. They seem to be fairly well-made games.

    I have never heard of Mr. Gimmick. By and large, my knowledge of the NES catalogue is limited to official N.American releases.

    Speaking of official N.American releases from the Nintendo catalogue, Harvest Moon (SNES) is duly added.

  74. Quest 64(N64), Beyond the Beyond(PS1), Lagoon(Snes), Mega Man Battle Network 5, Mega Man Star Force, Saga Frontier (PS1), Lunar: Dragon Song(DS), Aidyn Chronicles: The First Mage(N64), The Last Remnant(PC).

  75. Ah I really want to nominate Xenosaga Episode 2, but I almost fear it isn’t shit enough. I’ll nominate it anyway!

    Also, looking at Gyme’s suggestions I can’t help but want to nominate Last Remnant and Quest 64.

  76. I nominate fester’s quest (nes) and action 52 (nes), both of those games are in the same level of deadly towers, truly horrible games.

  77. I would like to hear Lusi’s opinion of one of my favourite series, that’s why I’m nominating Suikoden III, IV & Tactics.

  78. Oh, and Tierkries. Can’t leave that one out.

  79. I wonder which game will survive the voting process. The best of the best or the crappy of them all?

  80. @Ferchu: Fester’s Quest is actually one of the best worst games ever made. It is EXTREMELY well put-together, but a few glaring issues ruin it. I have completed it before. Action 52 is just stunningly mediocre.

    That said, neither of those games is ANYWHERE near as bad as Deadly Towers, and I speak from much experience.

    @Imitanis: Tierkreis and III are already nominated, but I’ll add the others. Thanks *a lot* for the Suikoden IV nomination, by the way. When I begin assigning reviews, I will remember this kindness.

    Unrelated: I hope you like Hyperdimension Neptunia and Hatsune Miku.


    Keep the nominations coming. We have three voting rounds, so don’t be afraid to add anything you’d like me to review.

  82. Postal III(PC), Ride to Hell(PC), Naughty Bear(PS3), Sonic 2006, Superman(N64), 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand(PS3), Robopon Red(Game Boy).

    Also, some games recognized as great that Lusi hates: Grand Theft Auto 5(PS3), Skyrim(PC), Batman: Arkham City(PS3/PC)

  83. Gyme is a cockbag.

    Luckily, he’s a cockbag who tends to nominate limited availability games.

  84. I can facilitate the availability of many of the games I have nominated.

  85. @Gyme: I’m not interested in getting involved with shipping games back and forth. Too much of a hassle/liability/expense.

    The rules in the contest stand.

  86. @Gyme: That’s fine. If you fancy purchasing a copy for me to play, I will allow it.

  87. Sweet tits! Alright, as long as the price is not too crazy, I will be happy to donate a game to contribute to Lusi’s misery.

  88. After some consideration, I have decided that only games that have been officially localised for English-speaking territories (unless all the text in the game is in English) will be eligible.

    The reasoning is that translation and localisation represent an essential part of most gaming experiences, and if the translation being presented is the work of fans, I am not commenting on what the developers produced. Hence, my review in such a circumstance would be misleading. In the event that there is no translation present, I cannot comment upon what I do not understand, which would render my review necessarily incomplete regarding what is an essential part of the game experience.

    As I indicate parenthetically above, there are exceptional circumstances in some cases (which remain up to me to determine), but by and large unless it was released in English, it’s not eligible. Sorry.

  89. Seek misery… That’s what the Emerald Herald suggests anyway, and seems quite apt given Lusipurr’s thoughts on the Souls series.

    No problem shooting over my PS3 copy of Dark Souls 2… Just saying ;)

  90. I don’t want to get involved in having to give out my address, and then receive delivery of someone else’s game, and then having to ship it back when done. There’s too much opportunity there for trouble in both directions: things getting lost in post, people getting irritated and wanting their game back, or having it be damaged in shipping, not to mention the associated costs.

    The rule is firm. Sorry. There are 700+ games *each* on the NES, SNES, Game Boy, and Game Boy Colour, and over 1,000 for the GBA. I think that’s plenty to work with without having to get involved in mailing PS2/PS3 games around the world.

  91. I would have picked up another copy, but yeah that’s fair enough and understood sir. Woah, massive response since I checked last – brilliant.

  92. @SKS: If you’re willing to GIVE me the game, then by all means nominate it! The concern lies with having to purchase and then ship things there-and-back-again.

    There’s a ‘few’ games on the list now. But there’s room for plenty more.

  93. I nominate: Pit Fighter (SNES), Wayne’s World (SNES), Bebe’s Kids (SNES), Obitus (SNES), Tecmo Super Bowl (SNES), Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City (SNES), Shaq Fu (SNES)

  94. Little Red Hood (nes)
    Bill & Ted Excellent Adventure (nes)
    Conan (nes)
    Dr.Jekill and Mr.Hyde (nes)
    Bart vs The World (nes)

  95. I’ll update the list later on.

    Little Red Hood is an unlicensed Chinese knock-off, not an actual licensed title. Disallowed.

  96. a lot of people watching AVGN here. Not sure how much better anyone could do compared to AVGN’s review of Little Red Hood, for example. AVGN summed it up enough. I think if AVGN did it, move on and leave Lusi alone; what more is there to be done for those particular games? I know I nominated a game that AVGN did, but I actually really love that game so screw it. Plus he spent half that review (Zelda 2) talking about Zelda 1.

    Nominating another game:
    Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

    With the idea that part of the review includes a video/soundfile of Lusi playing it. I can donate a steamkey for this one if needed.

  97. Savante touches on a good point that I’ve been meaning to make.

    Remember that there is only going to be ONE game selected from the above list. If you’re nominating something, make sure you are nominating something that you would be OK with me doing as the ONLY review.

    It might be whimsical to nominate every shitty, forgotten licensed crap game, but ultimately that will result in a review of a game that no one cares about, which no one has ever played, and which no one will ever play.

    I won’t tell you that you can’t nominate an eligible game, but I would suggest that you nominate something meaningful–something that matters to you, be it for woe or weal. Savante has hit this spot on. I would encourage you to follow his lead.

  98. @Lusipurr- I realized something, you should remove Mr.Gimmick from the list since it is a famicom game .

  99. Cheers Lusi. Hero.
    You know what, Final Fantasy 1, NES. No save state. Video record it. I want to see the Cocatrice Perma stone your white mage(s) before, and after, the Vampire.

    Final Fantasy 1 (nes) (non emulator no save states non anything. 1989 People).

  100. FF1 Earth Cave – get past that shit. Beat Lich, do thing necessary, beat the Ice Cave. Have fun. Those fucking bird will ruin your day.

  101. @Savante: I’ve done it many, many times. I don’t recall ever having problems with Cockatrices. You do realise that Elfland item shop carries Soft potions, right? You can get them long, long before you need them.

    Once I got FF1 for the NES, I didn’t play a whole lot else until I got my SNES. I replayed FF1 over and over and over again.

    I replayed the NES version a couple years ago when it was released on Wii U Virtual Console. I still love that game in its original incarnation, although the dialogue window opening and closing BOOOOOOP noise is terribly irritating.

  102. NOTICE:

    If you nominated a game notated as ‘limited availability’ above, please note that it will likely be dropped from the list prior to voting unless you indicate that you are willing to provide the game for review.

  103. I really hope Luci has to play Gyme’s 50 cent game. Everyone. This needs to happen.

  104. AD&D Dragons of Flame (PC preferred for being even worse then the NES version). Literally the worst videogame i have ever played. HAVE FUN!

  105. @RabidKitten The AD&D Dragons of Flame Famicom game is the only AD&D game that wasn’t localised to NES. The other four (Dragonlance, Heroes of the Lance, Hillsfar, and Pool of Radiance) were all translated and released on the NES. Without a translation, the Famicom version is not eligible.

    PC games have ‘limited availability’ (I use Macs exclusively). So, you may want to consider another AD&D title from the era.

  106. Another nomination:

    Castle of Dragon for the NES. Have fun with that…

  107. UPDATE:

    Nominations will close, and voting will open, at midnight (US EDT) next Sunday. Nominations received after that time will not be counted.

    The post above will be amended, and voting will be secret. Votes will be cast via e-mail, and tabulated. A number of games with the highest votes received will proceed to the next round of voting. Users will be allowed to pick votes on several games. The instructions for this will all be posted here on Sunday.

    Finalise your nominations! Only a few days remain!

  108. Bearer… Seek… Seek… Lest…

    Dark Souls 2 – You must test yourself, of course ;)

  109. An armful self-nominations as we head into the final stretch: Castlevania: SotN, Final Fantasy IX, the remake of Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together (PSP), Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift (DS), Mega Man 3 (NES), The Last Story (Wii), Pikmin (Wii), Shovel Knight (WiiU), Vagrant Story (PS1), Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete (PS1), Xenogears (PS1), Chrono Cross (PS1), Wild Arms: Alter Code F (PS2), and the remake of Persona (PSP).


  110. Final Fantasy IV: The After Years (PSP)
    Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete (PS1)
    Vagrant Story (PS1)

  111. @Iliya: Er, all three of those games have already been nominated.

  112. Apologies.

    How about these?

    Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria. Because, good times.
    Valkyria Chronicles. Because great times.
    Metroid 2: Return of Samus. Because I want to hear you scream in pain.

  113. That was a great read. I can’t until Lusipurr publishes his first book. Whatever it is, I’ll buy it.

    I nominate TETRIS for the PS3!


    Results will be announced here at midnight on Sunday, 20 July.

    Remember that this is a secret ballot. Please do not discuss your votes until after tabulation is complete.

    Please read the voting instructions carefully before you vote. Failure to follow the rules will result in your votes being rejected.

  115. I forgot to turn the e-mail system on. This has now been fixed. Sorry!

  116. R1 votes received and verified for: Gyme, Adeki (formerly Shadow), and DefChaos.

  117. Tabulation complete.
    All primary choice games were awarded two points per vote.
    All alternate choice games were awarded one point per vote.
    Games which scored less than three points have been dropped.
    TEN games move to the semi-final voting round.


    Results will be announced here at midnight on Sunday, 27 July.

    Remember that this is a secret ballot. Please do not discuss your votes until after tabulation is complete.

    Please read the voting instructions carefully before you vote. Failure to follow the rules will result in your ballot being invalidated.

  118. There are some surprisingly good games on that list. But I doubt you’ll be so lucky.

  119. R2 Votes Rec’v’d and Verified: Skyy, Mel, Legendary Zoltan.

  120. @Mel: As I’ve said repeatedly, it is far easier to say something about a game that tries to be good and fails than it is to say something about a game which doesn’t even bother trying.

  121. R2 votes rec’v’d and verified: Brettsuo.

    NOTE: A donation from the said Brettsuo has pushed us over the mark for the July fundraising target, so I will now play and review the runner-up title as well.

  122. Kudos to Brettsuo.

    You have quite the challenge on your plate Lusipurr. The site has built these reviews up to be far more interesting than anything any other site would normally publish as a review.

  123. Readers should have some idea of what they are getting as we’ve done this before: see the link to my Deadly Towers review above. I also reviewed Fable, but didn’t have much to add on from the review I gave back when I worked at RPGamer. It’s always best the first time.

  124. It’s always best the first time.

    @Lusipurr: I have a feeling most women would argue you on that point.

  125. R2 votes rec’v’d and verified: Iliya, Bup, SN, Blitzmage, Adeki.

  126. Tabulation complete.
    The five games with the most votes enter the final round. The other five games have been dropped.


    Results will be announced here at midnight on Sunday, 3 August.

    Remember that this is a secret ballot. Please do not discuss your votes until after tabulation is complete.

    Please read the voting instructions carefully before you vote. Failure to follow the rules will result in your ballot being invalidated.

  127. Lusi, I think you’re going to end up getting stuck with Eternal Sonata (not that I’m necessarily voting for that, or not voting for that).

  128. Y’know, whether or not I voted for it, I might be as disappointed as Lusipurr if Eternal Sonata is chosen. I feel like it’s not quite terrible enough to provide an entertaining review, but not good enough to provide any interesting insight. It’s a game that just sort of exists. I mean, it’s about a composer who was more often about flourish than exploration of interesting musical ideas, so maybe it is a fitting game, but man do I ever not care.

    But maybe that’s why I may or may not have voted or may or may not have not voted for Eternal Sonata in the first place.

  129. The PS3 version of Eternal Sonata added an unbalanced difficulty spike midway through the game that made me choose between a couple hours of grinding, or happiness. I chose happiness and stopped playing, but I think Lusipurr would take grinding over happiness every time.

  130. Eternal Sonata is like the video gaming equivalent of Jaden Pinkett-Smith’s Twitter account – in other words, it is the ideal subject for a Lusipurrian review.

  131. It’s a great simile, but I think there’s a better fit for it than Eternal Sonata.

  132. Nope, both Jayden and ES think they are waaaaaay deeper and more profound than they really are, comically so. Eternal Sonata is the gold standard for shoe-horning unnecessary self-important psychobable for no other reason than to try and convince idiots that they have more depth than is actually the case. Other games have used psychobable [Xenosaga], but usually they are at least trying [poorly] to have it ultimately mean something.

  133. @Drachonus: read the entry rules in the post. Votes in the comments are not counted.

  134. I tend to agree with Ethos.

    As I have said before, I will not prevent people from nominating a very mediocre effort, but it won’t be the best subject for a review. It’s the spectacular failures that make for the best reviews, which is why Deadly Towers and Fable both worked so well.

    Both of those could have been excellent games. There’s an enormous amount of vision behind each. Nor can they be said to be merely another ‘can of peas’ made to make a quick buck. Immense effort was put into each of those titles to make them something new, unique, and genre-changing. And the result was a hopeless fucking disaster, in both cases.

    Eternal Sonata is just ‘another RPG’ made ‘because we’re making an RPG now’. It’s like the woefully iterative Tales of games. Churn them out, don’t worry about doing anything special, and make a marginal profit. Although it thinks itself much deeper than it is, one can’t make a review out of that in the same way one can with a Twitter account. I’m reviewing the game, as a whole, in a look back after I have finished it. I’m not sitting down with a copy of the script, spending the entire time cherry-picking the most egregious bits.

    There’s a serious flaw in thinking if one believes that reviewing a Twitter account is anything like reviewing a Video Game. There’s absolutely no comparison whatsoever. And, to top it off, I have nothing whatsoever to say about this Jayden fellow, whomever he is.

    Now: Just a heads-up. I may *not* be able to play Quest 64 after all. If that is the case, any votes cast for it will be awarded to the game with the next lowest score. Sorry about the late notice on this, but it was unavoidable. That said, if I can play Quest 64, and if it wins, I will absolutely play it.

  135. your rules, Lusipurr, have made it extremely difficult to comment about this select a misery thing of late.

    you’re making your thoughts very clear, while I fear I can not without having my vote redacted.

  136. No one. But you spend a measurable amount of time on this site and your podcast asking for reader participation to keep the site going.

    You should put an asterisk to that.

    *as long as you play by my rules.

  137. Well of course it is as long as you play by my rules. I made them. They are up there. They aren’t invisible.

  138. I was under the impression that we were prohibited from discussing which game we voted for, but not prohibited from discussing the games in general.

  139. Which is FINE, by the way. All I am saying, I see the potential resistance.

    I can play along.

  140. What SN said.

    Potential resistance to what? The fact that I made the contest rules? Where else would they come from, God?

    How could you even have a contest without rules? Why are people complaining that there are rules to prevent them influencing each other?

  141. @SiliconNooB

    Comments 172 through 178. There is a fine line here, which I will gladly discuss after the voting period is over.

  142. Comments 172 through 178 are people discussing the games without revealing their votes.

    How is this a problem?

  143. I will clarify this in case there is any confusion, which there seems to be:

    You may absolutely discuss the games, their merits, and their flaws, as long as it remains unclear for which game you voted. Advocating a game’s merits as part of a discussion should not be read (and will not be read, unless explicitly obvious otherwise) as a by-admission reveal of one’s votes.

    Therefore, in a discussion about whether a game is suitable or not suitable for a review, commenting on some or all of a game’s features will not be taken to mean that one has voted, or has not voted, for the said game.

    This was pretty obvious before. Don’t reveal your votes. Discussion is fine.

  144. ALSO (and I should have said this before),

    My comments about Eternal Sonata are not meant to guide anyone towards voting for any of the other games on the list in the hope of securing a ‘better’ review. To wit, there are NO spectacular failures of the sort I describe on this list. In fact, there were few enough on the list before (Xenosaga II, maybe?), so I’m hardly endorsing alternatives here.

    If I were going to make a list of awful games which would yield spectacular reviews, it might be something like this (completely off the top of my head):

    The 3rd Birthday
    Beyond the Beyond
    Hey, You! Pikachu!
    Mega Man X Command Mission
    SaGa Frontier
    Shadow Madness
    Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)
    Unlimited SaGa

  145. I’d love a three part Xenosaga review (or site playthrough(??))

  146. Hey You! Pikachu! was a masterpiece. I remember the hours I spent on that game, shouting into the microphone trying to get that little bastard to do something productive.


    Final Tabulation Results
    Eternal Sonata: 6
    Quest 64: 3
    Vagrant Story: 2
    Xenogears: 2
    Valkyria Chronicles: 1

    Quest 64 is not going to be possible (it keeps glitching out, although I have tried everything I can think of it to get it working), so its votes are awarded to the next highest title. However, there is a tie between Vagrant Story and Xenogears. A coin toss (performed live with Iliya as witness) has determined that Xenogears is the winner.

    WINNER: Eternal Sonata (6 votes)
    RUNNER-UP: Xenogears (5 votes)

  148. Splendid. Looking forward to both reviews, and the what should be interesting discussions that will follow.

  149. I’m the ONLY person who voted Valkyria Chronicles? I suppose I voted for it because I genuinely wanted a review, so it wasn’t really to select a misery.

  150. @KiskaiProject: An unfortunate turn of events, I’m afraid. I also voted for Quest 64. It was called select a MISERY after all. Oh well. He still got saddled with Eternal Sonata.

  151. I mean if your “copy” of the game doesn’t work you can’t be expect to play it. Yeah it sucks that people voted for one thing and got another, but what can you do. If you want proof of if the votes were counted correctly I would be glad to do it myself and come back with the numbers seeing how recently Lusi hasn’t been able to do simple math :)

  152. I’ve spent about six hours now trying to get Quest 64 to work. I think I have acquitted myself pretty reasonably of trying to find a way to play it for more than 30 seconds without it crashing my, er, ‘console’.

Comments are closed.