The year is 2014, and somewhere in the mystical land of Michigan an amateur dictator sits at his desk listening to the incomparable compositions of Alan Hovhaness. As his computer notifies him of another incoming e-mail, the bespectacled autocrat glances up from his copy of The Collected Poems of Theodore Roethke. With an irritated sigh, he observes another donation intended for the Lusipurr.com coffers.
“Now I must devise still more stretch goals,” Lusipurr grumbles to himself–for our glorious leader Lusipurr it is whose desk and time at leisure are here described. With a hasty rat-a-tat-tat upon the keyboard, the onerous chore is completed, and the inestimable supremo is once again free to indulge in aesthetic delights beyond the appreciation of the plebian masses. Alas!–in his haste, he has set the bar too low. A mere hundred dollars and twenty-four hours are all that are needed from a vicious fanbase which has time-and-again demonstrated that money is but little object when it comes to inflicting suffering upon he who is responsible for so much joy.
Soon, the folly of Lusipurr’s irritated haste is revealed, as a bevy of donators push the Lusipurr.com balance sheets into the black for the first time in years. Adding insult to injury, each donation is attended by an e-mail notification which disrupts Lusipurr’s listening and reading experience. “How the deuce am I supposed to enjoy Hovhaness’ ‘Upon Enchanted Ground’ with this d—ed racket!?” the frustrated curmudgeon finally exclaims, driven to distraction. An annoyed series of clicks suffices to bring El Presidente up to speed. “They’ve done it,” he mouths soundlessly. “The bastards.”
A quick glance across the library suffices to reassure Lusipurr that his game collection still contains a whole host of thoroughly unpalatable titles, to say nothing of the scourge-like options available via emulation on the NES, SNES, Genesis, and Game Boy systems. Bony fingers quickly tap away at an iPhone in alarm. The wait for a response from Blitzmage, Business Manager Extraordinaire seems to take forever in the coming:
“No, you can’t give the money back.”
After a ramble through the library and some perusal of the great histories, the feline führer finds himself in front of the computer once more. With a series of keystrokes, a secure channel is open to the redoubtable News Director, SiliconNooB. “G’day!” comes the nasal-yet-jolly tones of the befuddled inebriate. And, after an hour’s discussion, with much repetition for the benefit of a spirits-addled mind, the Wonder from Down Under is forced graciously to concur with his esteemed colleague:
“Shoefag haddit right,” he manages, with scarcely a belch along the way. “Yer gonna have t’play wha’e’er they want. Drink time now, g’day!” After which curt termination the channel is closed before Lusipurr has even the chance to reply.
“This is intolerable!” Lusipurr exclaims in tones meant for the benefit of the ever-attentive National Security Agency. “How am I supposed to get out of slaving away at another lamentable game development abortion?” But, with each passing moment, his dread grows, for the answer seems increasingly inescapable: there is no way out.
With the number-crunchers, the law, and the readers all marshalled against him in force, even this most autocratic and arbritrary of dictators begins to reflect upon what happened to the Caesars when they too often transgressed beyond what the citizenry of Rome would tolerate. The people must feel that they are being heard (if only on occasion)–bread and circuses must be dispensed–else who knows what mischief the masses might make?
So it was that, imagining the dread sound of jangling pitchforks clattering in his ears, Lusipurr grimly opened the site backend.
“Very well, as it seems to me that I have but little choice, I shall throw myself upon God and Fate, in the hope that the outcome is endurable. Mayhap Final Fantasy VII will be the choice of the masses.”
Note: Nominations and voting are concluded. Please consult the results below.
SELECT-A-MISERY 2014 RESULTS
WINNER: Eternal Sonata (PS3)
RUNNER-UP: Xenogears (PS1)