Editorial: Awesome (Not) Steam Greenlight Games, Part 4

Wow, what amazing games will we see this week? A Minecraft/Blockland clone? Some sort of third-person, open-world piece of crap? A game where I do not even know what is happening? The answer to all these questions is “Yes! Yes! YES!” One thing all these games have in common is that they are absolutely horrible and should be locked away in a deep, dark dungeon for the rest of eternity. I feel that I am doing my part for humanity by making these games known so our beautiful readers can avoid them at all costs. Also, because Lusipurr is forcing me at gun point to write this.

Ooga Booga
What is even happening with this guy’s right arm?

One Last Day

The description of this game provides potential voters with a few questions. I am going to answer these questions myself as my review.
“Yet another survival game?” – Stop making these piles of crap!
“Is there something new or different?” – No. There never is and there never will be. Everything that can be done with this game style has already been done and better than you could ever do it. Just stop. Stop now. Please.
“This seems a clone / copy of [insert game here]” – Yes, because it is. Stop copying other games and make something original. If you can not think of anything original, do not make games. End of story.
“What is this game?” Nobody gives a crap.

Score: Another Minecraft game/10
Best comment: AxelR07: “I more love this game than Unturned! (I don’t love Unturned) ;)”

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!

Sleepy Hollow

So, I guess this is a game where you play as The Headless Horseman from the Sleepy Hollow story, but with really terrible graphics and, I am assuming, horrible controls. Seriously, it is almost as if the “developers” of this game did not even try to make the game look good. That guy’s face looks like someone smashed a potato and stuck facial features on it, but I guess they were more focused on getting the pumpkin physics as accurate as possible. I also really enjoy how his uniform is green when he is alive and somehow turns blue when he becomes The Headless Horseman, which I guess is a spooky, scary thing? Oh wait, according to the game’s description you have complete control over the Horseman at ALL TIMES, so I suppose that redeems this game completely. Oh, nevermind, it does not. This game is still garbage.

Score: Potato Face/10
Best Comment: Xagah: “I puke”

STOP MAKING CRAP GAMES!
It’s cool that I can understand what is happening in this game.

BoxesWithGuns

Hey, remember that game Geometry Wars from way back on the Xbox 360? How would you like to play a game that is exactly like it, only terrible and horrible and will make you want to die now and forever? Oh, you would not? Good choice. I am not sure where the title comes from. There do not seem to be any boxes that have guns, just random shapes that shoot out other random shapes. It is really hard to tell what is even happening in this game, as the screenshots are insane. The game’s description does have an “Epilepsy warning,” but that should really read “Garbage game warning.”

Score: Square/10
Best Comment: ian747474: “….this is geometry wars just not nearly as good”

7 comments

  1. This is my favourite editorial series in the history of this site.

  2. I mean, I get it: these people want to make something and possibly get some of that fabled “indie game” money, but they don’t seem to get that you have to make something original and GOOD for that to happen.

  3. “I receive lots of money from Kickstarter and then don’t make a game with it. That’s how it works, right?”

  4. @Ethos: That is EXACTLY how it works! Let’s do that!

    TAHITI!!!

  5. @Bup
    Nice to read a review about my game. It is hard to collect feedback during the developing process since there are no testers/reviewers etc. But thanks for your feedback.

    Just to clarify some things:
    – I develop games in my freetime. It isn’t my main business. Nor I want to make money with it.
    – I didn’t know about geometry wars at all. Just read my comments, if you can spare some time.
    (Nope, that is no excuse. Just saying, like your post about my game)
    – I didn’t receive any money from any campaign. (Kickstarter etc.)
    Thats why I would like to sell it. To cover the server-costs.
    – BWG has many features and is build on another gameplay, compared to geomitry wars. Maybe you should check the trailer a second time. (No offense given)

    Btw you can enjoy BWG for free till 30th. Maybe you should give it a try. Then you can write how shitty it is :)

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