Editorial: Awesome (Not) Steam Greenlight Games, Part 7

Welcome to another installment of “Awesome (Not) Steam Greenlight Games,” where I guide you loyal readers through the beautiful world of Steam Greenlight! For those who do not know; Steam Greenlight is a user-based voting system on Steam which allows indie developers to show potential fans their game ideas and possibly gain enough votes to publish their game. While these games can be anything from an RPG to a shooter they have one thing in common: they are all horrible pieces of garbage that should have never seen the light of day. I actually had a third title to review this week, but it was so bad the developer already took it down from the Greenlight system. Here’s a teaser of what my review would have been: “This game is crap.”

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Boring Man – Online Tactical Stickman Combat

Hey, remember that cool flash video from 2002 where that stick figure did all those cool martial arts moves and killed a bunch of other stick figures? Okay, so what if that was a game, but made 12 years later? Oh, it happened and it is this game? Well, I probably would not have cared even if this game was made when that flash first came out. According to this game’s description this game is already finished, but the developer is asking for votes on Greenlight to publish the game? Hey, people can donate money to get their name in some stupid Hall of Fame nobody will look at and they can possibly get other donator features later! That is right, I said possibly. Imagine if stores operated the same way: Yeah, people can pay for that product/service and I just MIGHT give it to them at some point between now and the end of time. That is about as confusing as why this game was even made in the first place. Stick figures are SO 2002.

Score: Y2K/10

Best Comment: DakkaDakkaDakka: “I am not man enough for this game – so much death – where is carmen sandiego when you need her – up voted – f-ing awesome!”

JAWsome!
What crazy thing will sharks combine with NEXT?!

Sharks For Arms

Hehehehe yeah those Sharknado movies are pretty awesome, but, like, what if you had sharks for ARMS? I, for one, cannot wait to CHOMP my way into this game! I love sinking my teeth into a good game! This game looks FIN-tastic! I am sure the writer of this game is a regular SHARKS-peare! I also heard the music is performed by a professional ORCA-stra! I almost just wanted to keep this masterpiece of a game to myself, but I did not want to be SHELL-fish!I am sure that is a bit SHARK-ing to you all! I bet this game is a lot of fun while eating a peanut butter and JELLYFISH sandwich! Okay, I am done now. This game is as horrible as all those puns. Kill me now, please.

Score: Sharknado/10

Best Comment: -ApolloX-Δψβ: “peace of shet no no no”

9 comments

  1. I remember 14 years ago when I was fooling around with QBasic, and there were games made on it with stick figures which looked like they were made with the most basic MSPaint tools, and they would fight and cut their stick heads off and stick blood would shoot out… and it was all free because no one would want to play someone’s programming experiment for more than 5 minutes.

    I remember Street Sharks too… young boys’ obsession with sharks and dinosaurs and stuff like that was exploited hard in the early 90’s.

  2. @Matt I think that’s STILL being exploited with the Sharknado series and all those crappy SyFy movies.

  3. I also recall some old browser games that involved stick figures. Some actually tried to be real games, like a point and click puzzler or an FPS with you as a stationary sniper. The early flash days!

  4. We musn’t forget that RPG–what was it called? Stick Adventures or something? It was quite big for a while.

  5. Oh man, QBASIC. I would spend hours coding in that with my Commodore 64. Then I made sure to forget everything I had learned about programming.

  6. @Bup: I’m convinced that was the intended goal – implant suggestions from childhood and play on them in advertising and commercial property when a generation reaches adulthood. The people who find themselves struggling with life, and consciously or unconsciously yearning for the carefree time of childhood are more open to buying a reminder, or give their time away to be advertised to. What a confusing mess.

    @Ethos: So we could have had stick figure LFoPD by now? I’m sure whatever you have is good enough for Greenlight.

  7. I bet putting it on Greenlight would make LFoPD BETTER!

  8. @Dancing Matt: It’s SO much better than stick figures. We have MUSIC.

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