Editorial: BoxesWithGuns

In one of my recent, award-winning posts the developer of the indie “game” BoxesWithGuns kindly asked me to actually play the game before I criticized it. I decided to take the developer, Toemsel, up on this challenge and actually download and play his game. Unfortunately, when I attempted to install the game I received an error message each time. What follows is an actual representation of my time attempting to play and review BoxesWithGuns. These events occurred on Sunday, September 28, 2014.

I am very sad I did not get to play this game (not really).
Cool job making the game impossible to watch.

10:30 A.M.: I roll out of bed, hungover from the night before. I would love to say I got drunk in scared anticipation of playing this game, but I just got drunk to get drunk.

10:40: I boot up my computer and search on Google for “BoxesWithGuns.” I find a link to download and play the game. I click on the link and immediately load Facebook in another tab.

10:41: I forget I opened up the download page for the game and start watching an episode of “Twin Peaks.” I also begin playing my Nintendo 3DS during this.

11:10: I walk downstairs and make myself a tuna sandwich. While making the sandwich I remember about the game. I walk upstairs, sandwich in hand, and re-open the tab containing the download for the game.

11:11: I learn that I must download and install a program in order to download and play BoxesWithGuns. This bothers me, but I download this program anyway. While waiting for the download to complete I continue watching “Twin Peaks” and I eat my sandwich. It is quite good.

11:30: I notice the program has finished downloading and my virus scanner has determined that this file is “clean.” I wonder to myself if I will also feel “clean” after playing this game.

#pride2014
Rainbow Power: ACTIVATE!

11:32: I install the program that is, for some reason, necessary to play the game. I just want to say that again: I had to install a program to install a crappy indie game because some guy got angry at one of my humor posts. This is my life.

11:34: Upon installing the program I realize I also have to register for an account. I do so and receive an email containing an activation link for my profile. “Is this even worth it?” I think to myself. I hesitantly click the link included in the email. My account is activated. I can only feel that my entire life has been changed for the worse because of this event.

11:35: I load up the program, sign in to my profile, and begin my search for BoxesWithGuns. I find that, oddly enough, it is on the front page of the program as a “Featured Game.” Maybe I was wrong about this game. Maybe it actually is good. I highly doubt this, but at this point I am willing to give the game a chance.

11:36: I begin the download process of the game and look away from my screen. I continue to watch “Twin Peaks” for a few minutes without checking the download.

OR THE BEST!!!!
This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

11:41: I check on the download of the game and notice an error message on my screen. The game did not download successfully. I attempt to download the game again.

11:43: Another download error appears on my screen. Apparently the program could not complete the download process. I exit out of the program and try the download again.

11:47: The download again does not finish correctly. I decide I am better off not playing this game and I am sure my life is better for it.

So there you have it, gentle readers. I tried my best to actually play this garbage game and failed completely. However, I am not sad about this situation. In fact, I am happy that I did not have to sit through any second of this complete pile of garbage. I hope Toemsel appreciates my efforts and realizes this game is a pile of trash.

11 comments

  1. Now, what REALLY interests me about this is: What episode of Twin Peaks were you watching?

  2. This is genuinely one of the best posts I’ve ever read on the site. SOLID GOLD.

    I do feel a bit badly for the developer, but at the same time, I am not sure that it was a good idea to criticise Bup (on a clearly tongue-in-cheek article) for not playing the game when the game cannot be played in the first place.

  3. @Mel: If I remember correctly it was the second real episode after the pilot. Whichever one ends with Lusi’s infamous dream sequence.

    @Lusi: And I gave it a chance too. I tried to download the game at least four times.

  4. I’d have stopped at the required account. That is unacceptable in most games these days, let alone in something that should be single player and offline like this.

  5. Sounds like a bullet was dodged, honestly. The indiegame scene is a wasteland of half-baked bullshit as far as I’m concerned.

    Also, Mel asked the most pressing question I wanted answered.

  6. That program you have to download and install according to run BWG is called XNA.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microsoft_XNA
    Actually, yes, you need to install redistributables for every game.
    (Most are already a part of your OS, like DirectX)

    Desura installs XNA automatically. Honestly Desura screwed up the MCF file, which leads to your shown error. (Just check the user replies and my posts…)

    But ok, you dont like it, because of reasons.
    What counts is, that I got a huge vote up on Steam Greenlight.
    Most people who actually play the game are in a positiv attitude and vote for it.

    Keep on writing such great objective and well researched articles.

  7. This post had me in stitches. Also, I think Boxes with Guns has stolen some of its graphics from geometry wars… -_-

  8. @SN: Impossible, the developer has never even heard of Geometry Wars.

    @Bup: I’ve actually heard of Desura. It’s like Steam, but without any real quality controls. It is run by chimpanzees and targetted at people who cannot get on Steam. I wouldn’t have installed it, and I consider that your doing so demonstrates an enormous amount of good faith.

  9. @NooB: It must not have made it to Australia yet. Don’t worry: you guys will get it soon. And also have to pay five times the price for it.

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