Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 10

In my last article there was quite a bit of discussion about the pros and cons of RPG Maker, mainly the cons because it is a horrible pile of garbage. My fellow writer SiliconNoob asked me to review just RPG Maker games in my next post. So, here are some horrible RPG Maker games! If a turd could poop another turd, an RPG Maker-made Steam Greenlight game would be that second turd.

It's like the anime version of 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.'
Ah, yes: the famous Tree-Slime.

Fantasy Life

Tree fights aside, this game’s description assures potential backers that this is NOT a “traditional RPG Maker game.” I guess that means it will actually be decent, but I highly doubt it. According to the game’s description the developer expects this game to have various story lines based off the player’s character, and even some which involve the player being a nobody in this world. This is in an RPG Maker game. An RPG. Maker. Game. I have a feeling that the developer does not really understand the limitations of this software, or even his/her limitations. Actually, here is one limitation the developer should know about: their poor understanding of English grammar. Multiple times in the game’s description the developer uses the wrong form of “you’re” and misspells words. One would think the developer might want to proof-read or double-check his or her writing before posting the game’s description. Oh, and did I mention the emoticon eyes? However, I guess that is not surprising from someone who thinks anything good could come out of RPG Maker.

Score: Harvest Final Fire Fantasy Moon Emblem/10

Best Comment: Harvest Rune: “A game where you farm and fight already exists. A game with tactical strategy and permanent death exists as well. This is basically two great games put together to make something frustrating, boring and just plain wrong.”

I wonder how many copies of RPG Maker one can buy for 30 pieces of silver...
Just don’t say I’m damned for all time.

Doom & Destiny

RPG Maker, anime babes, and a guy with underwear on his head: all of this adds up to one of the worst games I have ever had the (dis)pleasure of “reviewing” for these articles. Actually, that list seems very similar to another list I update on a regular basis: “Bup’s List of Crap He Never Wants to See in a Videogame.” Somehow this game has actually been reviewed by other media outlets and is getting good reviews. Maybe those “media outlets” have never actually played a real game before either. Oh, wait I get it now. See, it is funny because not only is it anime and the “heroes” are anime nerds and stuff, but there are also some HOT anime babes with boobs–and also, the game’s description mentions pizza. It is like totally wacky and random and hilarious. This game is the equivalent of some pre-teen writing in her MySpace or AIM profile that she is “wacky” and “random” and “bisexual.”

Score: Tom from MySpace/10

Best Comment: m.randall101: “but much woss games get on stam no greenlight instantly” (Author’s Note: Actually, if someone can translate this for me, I would be very grateful).

I can guarantee the only vagina these people have ever seen (and will ever see) is their mother's, when they were birthed.
LOL UNDERWEAR IS WACKY!!!

ROTN: Rise of the Nomad

Okay, so for this review I am just going to go through a few of the “highlights” of this game’s description. “Massive replayability:” nope, I can guarantee nobody who plays this garbage will ever want to touch it again. “Limb-aiming combat:” which pretty much means every limb in these fights is a separate enemy to defeat. Awesome, that just makes the fights last much, MUCH longer than they should (zero seconds). “Houses will have 80% chance of being locked.” Who cares? Why is this part of the description? Does the developer know the description is not a bug-fix list? “5 huge towns to explore.” Wow, five WHOLE towns! I cannot believe it! Actually, I really can not. I did not think RPG Maker could do more than one per game. “Choose between the haters and the purists.” Hatersgonnahate.gif. Yet another pile of garbage created using another pile of garbage: RPG Maker. If anyone ever attempts to debate the merits of RPG Maker, just show them this game.

Score: Zombies are SO last year/10

Best Comment: Soul Pirayte: “Final Fantasy with ZOMBIES!!! lol”

10 comments

  1. RPG Maker never ceases to make the flattest looking games imaginable. All it’s missing is Times New Roman font.

  2. @Mel: I’m fairly certain–although I’m not going to check–that something similar to that was an option at some point along the way, if not now.

  3. “Even though much worse games get on Steam Greenlight, I’m gonna say no to this one right away.”

    How does anyone who graduates high school in the U.S. continue to mistake “your” with “you’re” and other elementary school grammatical mistakes? It’s mind-boggling. Of course I can’t assume anything about that particular RPG making man, but there’s an overabundance of these people.

  4. On a side note, “you’re” just seems like a colloquialism like “that’ll” and “y’all” that somehow got enfranchised into the taught language. I think it should be phased out of the curriculum, if still kept in speech.

  5. FANTASY LIFE: Not content with stealing his graphics and game systems from other, better games, this lazy dev has managed to steal THE VERY NAME of a recently released Level-5 JRPG. This game should be pulled from Steam for its breach of copyright!

    Yes I am aware that Nintendo has a game with a similar name, but I can assure you all that there is no relation between the two, just pure coincidence. Nintendo has the rights to “Fantasy Life”, as I have the rights to “Fantasy Life RPG” however the difference is that my copyright is the only one filed in Canada, so Nintendo has not purchased the name here.

    This is basically the first and last time that the developer refers to the game as “Fantasy Life RPG”, as the description repeatedly refers to it simply as “Fantasy Life”, an innocent oversight one assumes… O)_(O

    BTW, if you were wondering if hell exists, then I should like to present you with exhibit A: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5acZ2b4laFE#t=12

    As an aside, has anyone ever made an RPGmaker game that hasn’t looked like a pile of vomit?

  6. RPG Maker never ceases to make the flattest looking games imaginable. All it’s missing is Times New Roman font.

    Please – these games beg for Comic Sans!

  7. @DancingMatt: You have no idea! If only that were the worst shortfall!

  8. @Lus: Oh I can’t even begin to imagine what you see in English Composition I.

  9. Nintendo hasn’t purchased the name here? Will I have to look for copies of Level-5’s Fantasy Lyphe on Friday instead?

  10. I am shocked that Level-5 is STEALING the name of a revered RPG Maker title! Shameful!

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