Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 11

As I sit here tying my noose, my mind wanders to a happier time in my life. A time when I did not have to write about all these horrible Steam Greenlight games. A time before I knew just how many Minecraft, Pokemon, and Mario clones exist. A time when I had even just a glimmer of hope in my life.

Remember friends, no matter what she says, there IS no sex in the champagne room.
I can only assume he is negotiating what will happen in the champagne room.

HERO-E

Wow, this is the game we have all been waiting for! Play as a guy with a helicopter attached to his back, (Huh?) explore caves, (Wait, how does a helicopter work in a tight cave?) and rescue swimmers (Why are people swimming in caves?) from a black hand (Racist!). Apparently this game is a “remake,” AKA clone/unoriginal, of a Commodore 64 game. I guess if one is going to make a clone of any game, it may as well be a game that nobody wants to play. The creator of this game really likes ellipsis too. Pretty much every sentence in the game’s description ends with one, as if the previous words form some sort of epic tale. However, none of them do. They just describe “features” to a garbage game that nobody asked for the in the first place. I still do not understand why one would use a helicopter backpack thing in a cave. This game is just confusing.

Score: I can not think of a helicopter reference/10

Best Comment: Timster: “how’s game maker working out for you?”

Welcome to HELL!
SPOOKY! SCARY!

One Scary Night

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story: “The Tale of the Crappy Steam Greenlight Game”… Late one dark and stormy night danl2o2o was hunched over his computer programming a horrible game he planned on debuting on Steam Greenlight the next day. This game featured really horrible graphics that looked like a 13-year-old drew them in math class. The game has the player control some dumb kid who is using masks to kill other trick-or-treaters and steal their candy. I am not actually sure if the enemies are other children, but I am assuming so because that is something a garbage game like this would do. Anyway, the developer programed late into the night until he could program no more. He released the game on Steam Greenlight and fell asleep at his desk. He woke up only to learn that nobody cares about his crappy game! AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Score: Kit-Kat/10 (Kit-Kats are the best candy.)

Best Comment: Gorlom[Swe]: “Please note that Quinteo Fabio Massimo is spamming EVERYONE on Greenlight asking for Italian. While adding Italian is entirely up to you, you should know that Quinto does not represent genuine interest in your game or any other game on Greenlight. He does not buy any of the games he convinces to add Italian and is misrepresenting himself as a customer. He is on a crusade to get everyone to offer his native language and he is overlooking markets bigger than Italian in his “recommended” languages.”

THIS IS JUST A CRAPPY VERSION OF POKEMON!!!
Yeah I remember this from Oregon Trail too.

Catch Monsters

This game is just Pokémon. Just a crappy version of Pokémon. A garbage version of Pokémon with crappy art. Steam Greenlight is the worst.

Score: Charmander/10

Best Comment: Loganserge1: “So, Pokemon and Wizard 101 forgot to use protection and this?”

7 comments

  1. I don’t see the point in remaking a Commodore 64 game if you are not going to improve the graphics…

  2. Catch Monsters is one of the better attempts at a lazy game title. I look forward to Jump Over and Onto Things, maybe followed up by Japanese Role Playing Game.

  3. Sadly, these are the most enticing-looking games you have highlighted yet.

  4. @Ethos: For a second I thought “One Scary Night” could be decent, but then I remember it’s on Greenlight.

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