Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 12

Steam Greenlight is dead. Long live Steam Greenlight!

Ugh. Just ugh.
So, are we supposed to know what’s happening on the screen?

Golden Black

Wow, I think, for once, I am pretty much speechless about a game. It is almost like the developer took the concept art, which is admittedly pretty decent, and decided to just make the worst looking pile of garbage ever. I guess all the screenshots are from an early version of the game, but usually it is a good idea to make sure the game actually looks playable before submitting it to a community that is basically just a visual presentation. However, that is just my opinion. Oh, but it is a fact that this game is garbage.

Score: Captain Jack Sparrow/10

Best Comment: C0untzer0: “Good to see you didn’t rush into this prematurely and all your assets are…
oh, never mind.”

If a picture really does say a thousand words, this picture would just say "boring" 1000 times.
I love racing my Bland Mobile through Bland City!

Hyperway Drift Racing Online

This is how I imagine the development process of this game went: *Cryogenic chamber opens with a hiss and its occupant wakes up* Occupant: “Wow, what year is it?” Super Smart Scientist: “2014. You’ve been frozen for 16 years!” Occupant: “Well, do people still play the PlayStation?” Scientist: “Well, yeah, but we are up to PlayStation 4 now.” Occupant: “Oh, awesome, because I have this amazing, original idea for a game!” Seriously, this game looks like it time traveled from 1998. Actually, even for a late-90’s PlayStation 1 game this game looks like garbage. Whoa, and check out these features: “When you complete a race, and if you beat your previous best time, your race will be saved and your ranking updated.” Amazing! Just like every racing game ever made! How did the developer even think of that?! Do not forget the title. It is almost as if the developer took a bunch of other racing titles, randomly threw them against a wall, and just went with what stuck. Oh, and do not worry: the game is also available on Android. So, its players can race against all the zero people that will actually play this game.

Score: Bleh/10

Best Comment: Danesz: “adasdasda”

This is where alt-text goes, except that Bup forgot and Ethos neglected to attend to it. Shameful. Well shameful.
I liek pizza.

Fatboy Pizza Chase

This game is like the digital version of the menus that are given to little kids at a restaurant so they do not get antsy about waiting for their food. Much like every Greenlight game, this is just a clone of something nobody asked for in the first place. It is just Pac-Man with pizza. Mmmmm, pizza….

Score: Sorry, I am still thinking about pizza/10

Best Comment: PizzaWizard: “Will this get Oculus support?”

10 comments

  1. The graphics on that first one look atrocious. That’s a shame because the concept looks like it might be kind of interesting.

  2. I think some people mistake Minecraft’s popularity despite its simple graphics as a sign that people don’t care about how a game looks at ALL because (as uncritical people) they see Minecraft’s visual simplicity and think “poor design”.

  3. @Mel: Exactly. Minecraft doesn’t have amazing AAA graphics, because it doesn’t NEED graphics like that. It can get by on the merits of its gameplay alone.
    Oh, and in before Lusipurr says that Minecraft isn’t a game.

  4. I love the Best Comments on all the games you review. That’s brilliant to put on. Green light really shouldn’t be a service on Steam. It doesn’t need to be a platform for any game that any person has ever made regardless of quality. Someone needs to start a separate website/company for absolute shit games. It’s just amazing that the “developers” (can you even call them that if their game is really underdeveloped?) actually take their shit seriously. Greenlight is therefore like a row of Port-O-Potties where someone stands outside of each stall and begs passersby to come in and see the shit they took. They then ask for donations to keep their shit from being flushed when the sanitation company comes to clean up, and possibly to contribute to the development of future shits.

  5. “Will this get Oculus support?” really is a “Best Comment”.

    I laughed. A lot. And then I laughed some more, because the answer is probably, “Yes.”

  6. What a perfect way to describe Fatboy Pizza Chase. This really is an excellent column.

  7. Greenlight is therefore like a row of Port-O-Potties where someone stands outside of each stall and begs passersby to come in and see the shit they took. They then ask for donations to keep their shit from being flushed when the sanitation company comes to clean up, and possibly to contribute to the development of future shits.

    This is a brilliantly accurate description of the Greenlight/early access ecosystem.

  8. I guess that makes the forum comments the graffiti scrawls on the inside of the stalls? “For a good time, call PizzaWizard.”

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